fangless

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly-------------------------1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.Bad: It's triplets.Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.Bad: She wants a divorce.Ugly: She's a lawyer.3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.Ugly: So are you.4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.Ugly: You're in them.5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.6. Good: Your hus

I am told Lazada do a good line in Wuhan Crystal balls and tarot cards!

A rich old man of 85 went to the doctor’s for a check-up. He explained that he was about to get married to a young girl of 20 and he needed to know how fit he was. “Well, for a man of your age, you are remarkably well, but,” cautioned the doctor, “are you sure you’re doing the right thing? It may well put a lot of strain on you.” But the old man could not be persuaded to change his mind. “Well, in that case,” persisted the doctor, “it may be a good idea to take in a lodger. I’m sure you will find the marriage a lot less strenuous.” The old man thought this over and said it so

Taffy goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the sheep. To his dismay the ram dies on his first day so he cannot get them to lamb. He seeks advice from an old Kiwi Shepard who was brought up in country ways. “Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the moors at the dead of night and do what the Ram would do to them yourself,” says the friend. “Then in the morning if they’re lying down they’ll be “satisfied.” He said with a wink. So that night Johnny does as he’s been told, takes them up to the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good going over

“You look upset, Jack, what’s wrong?” “I’ve just found my wife in bed having sex with my best friend.” “Oh mate, I’m sorry to hear that. What did you do?” “I told her to pack her bags and sod off.” “Good for you, and what about your best friend?” “I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, ‘Bad boy Rover and gave him a bone!’”

The Reverend James and his newly married wife retire to the honeymoon suite, where she gets ready for bed and he disappears into the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out to find his wife is already under the covers. “Doris, I thought I’d find you on your knees,” he said. “Oh darling, we can do it that way another time, for the moment I’d like to see your face.”

A woman went to the doctor’s complaining of a total lack of energy and being very nervous. After being examined, he told her she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and should give up cigarettes, booze and sex for 3 months. But after a week, the woman returned saying she was even closer to a breakdown if she couldn’t smoke.” “OK, have 5 cigarettes a day.” Another week went by and she returned saying she missed her glass of gin so much, it helped to relax her. “OK, just one small glass a day,” said the doctor. Two weeks later she returned again and before she could say anyth

I think you may be a little bit green but lettuce discuss this later during our salad days!

It's the quickest way I know to burn off 800 calories!

A lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week, the parrot hasn’t said a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing. The next week, she brings home a little ladder. Polly is still incommunicado. So then the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep. A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers: "Don’t they have any food at that pet store?"

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says: "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner: "Hey boss, there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies: "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front, hands the horse a beer and says: "You know, we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies: "At these prices I'm not surprised

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer: "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does." "I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"