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Posts posted by AltumAngel

  1. Dear Doctor,

    I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

    After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

    My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

    A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

    Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

    I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

    My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

    The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

    Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

    You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

    Yours faithfully,

    Ray Jackson

  2. Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

    Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

    "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

    "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

  3. 4 guy and 1 lady was having coffee and they were talking about the topic of their kids

    So the 1st man say to his friends, My son is a priest

    when he walk into a room people call him 'Father'

    so what about your's???

    The 2nd man say, My son is a Bishop

    When he walk into a room people call him 'Your Grace'

    The 3th man say, My Son is a Cardinal

    When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Eminence'

    The 4th man say, My son is the Pope

    when he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'

    The Lady just sat there quietly and listened and the guys turn to her and ask what about your child?

    She replied, I dun have a Son, but i do have a daughter, she is slim, tall , silky long hair and 38D-24-36.

    when she walks into the room, people say 'OH MY GOD'

  4. Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead"??!!!

    "Woah, what the hell happened to him"?

    "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

    "What a horrible way to die"!

    "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

    "What a way to go, that's terrible"!

    "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".

    "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go"!

    "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

    "Man, what a way to go"!

    "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him".

    "Now that is one awful way to go!"

    "No no, he survived that....".

    "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die"?

    "I shot him"!

    "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for"?

    "He was wrecking my house".

  5. He held me strongly but gently just above my elbow and led me into a room, his room. The door was quietly shut and we were alone!

    He approached me without making a sound from behind then spoke in a low but reassuring voice very near to my ear. "Just relax and be calm".

    Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

    When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

    Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."

    My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

  6. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

  7. A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

    As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much"?

    "Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"...

    Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ???

  8. A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

    "Guilty", said the man in the dock.

    At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat"! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

    The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

    "Guilty", said the man in the dock.

    Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

    At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man"?

    He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

    The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

    The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.

    Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

  9. Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

  10. Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

    Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on."

    So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

    So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects.

    Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

    He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

    The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse.

    When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise!"

  11. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

  12. An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

    One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

    "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

  13. A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

    The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

    The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his a.ss."

  14. A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He aid to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

    His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."

    His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."

    His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

    The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."

  15. Little Johnny's mom was teaching him how to pee properly.

    "See im gonna give you 5 steps.

    Say '1' and unzip your pants.

    '2' and pull out your little birdy

    '3' pull back your foreskin and pee

    '4' push back your foreskin

    '5' zip up your pants"

    So off Little Johnny go and his mom kept monitoring him for the rest of

    the day and felt he was good enough to be let on his own.

    Several days later, when walking past the bathroom, all she heard was,

    "4! 5! 4! 5! 4! 5! 4! 5! 4! 5! 4! 5!......"

  16. On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

    The kid replies, "Yeah."

    The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

    The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

    Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

    The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

  17. Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

    Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

    "Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

  18. An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months

    together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.

    The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going

    to be a mother."

    "Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

    "I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was

    impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

    "I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked

    down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a

    rage, she dialed her husband.

    "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.

    She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

    There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's

    calling please?."

  19. There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

    The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

    She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

    He said, "Why, yes I am!"

    So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

    When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

  20. A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

    "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

    He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

  21. 500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat, ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.

    They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"

    ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!"

  22. John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

  23. A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

    "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

    He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

    "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

    He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

    "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

  24. In the first day of class after the holidays, Miss Adams told the class to read out the list of new words they learnt.

    Little Johnnie raised his hand eagerly in class.

    "All right, Johnnie, go ahead," smiled Miss Adams.

    "Autoeroticism," beamed little Johnnie.

    "My goodness, Johnnie, that's a mouthful," marveled Miss Adams.

    "No, Miss Adams, that's masturbation," explained Johnnie. "You're thinking of a blowjob."

  25. For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tatooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek.

    That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed ass! She told "BB" to look.

    He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the <deleted>.ck is BOB?"

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