AltumAngel
-
Posts
6 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Downloads
Posts posted by AltumAngel
-
-
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''
The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."
-
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hel_l did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
-
Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.
The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.
Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."
The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshol_e you are!"
-
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to
ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got
the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already
working on a murder case!"
-
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown
off. “How did this happen?” the doctor asked. “Well I was trying to commit
suicide,” the blonde replied. “Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?”
“No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for
these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my
teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make
a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”
-
Three blondes witness a crime so they go to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief shows them the first mug shot.
"That's not him," the first blonde states. "This man only has one eye."
The chief is stunned. "He only has one eye because it's a profile shot." He repeats the procedure for the second blonde.
"That's not him. This man only has one ear," she answers.
He smacks his head. "It's a profile shot." He repeats the procedure for the third blonde.
After viewing the photo, she says, "That's not him. This man is wearing contact lenses."
"How do you know that?"
"Well," she says, "he can't wear glasses with only one eye and one ear, now can he?"
-
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
-
One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
-
A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She
ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"
-
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They
reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and
placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what
was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him
to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he
raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My
daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . . But
not the poor Groom ! ! !
-
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the
road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take
one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the hel_l were you when I got
married?'
-
Reverend Francis Norton woke up one Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out to a golf course about 40 miles away.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed: "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said: "No, I guess not."
Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked: "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied: "Who's he going to tell?"
-
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'
.........
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' .
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
-
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
-
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
-
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
-
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
-
A rather dim-witted blond man was talking to his buddy: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday," he said. "She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
"I have an idea," his buddy said. “Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it -- she'll probably be thrilled."
The next day the two men met up again: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" the friend asked.
"Yes, I did," said the man.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes!" the man replied: "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"
-
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
-
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"
-
Here's what happen to a daddy:
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
-
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not even a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
-
Andre was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Andre how about George Clooney?" Andre replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Andre and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on George Clooney's door and sure enough, George Clooney shouts: "Andre! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Andre's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Clooney's house, he tells Andre that he thinks him knowing Clooney was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Andre says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Andre says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Andre on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Andre, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Andre, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Andre. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Andre and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Andre says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Andre emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Andre returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Andre asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the ****'s that on the balcony with Andre?"
-
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind;
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to
another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better
judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and
walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with
his IV stand.
Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same
operation as me."
"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that
I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
Loose Constructionists
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''