AltumAngel
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There is a medical distinction. We've all heard
about people having guts or balls, but do you
really know the difference between them? In an
effort to keep you informed, the definitions are
listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out
with the guys, being met by your wife with a
broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next,
Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the
outcome.
Both result in death.
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An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said: "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."
The old man, feeling a bit obliged, leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said: "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man, again feeling obligated, reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated: "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked: "Was it something I said? Where are you going?"
The old man looked at her and replied: "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth."
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Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There are no fish under the ice!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, manager of this ice rink!"
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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said:
"the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my
wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And
that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of
my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing to recall the second
half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out"…and I can’t remember who
she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital
bed nursing burns from boiling water.
Moral of the story: "Don’t copy if you can’t paste!
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A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies,
and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.
The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus,
pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."
"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts."
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of Islands and said, "What are those?"
"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the idiots I designated as their leaders."
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, ‘Do you have a condom?’
Donald frowned and said, ‘No.’
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.
‘Maybe they sell them at the front desk,’ she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
‘Yes, we do,’ the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, ‘Would you like me to put them on your bill?
‘No!’ Donald quacked, ‘I’ll thuffocate’
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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate
his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the
circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no
hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with
another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hel_l," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been
worse?"
"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead
now."
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Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans.
She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted.
And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity,
shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room,
she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom,
she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned,
apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!
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Rules of a Nudist Colony"....
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by, smiles as she passes and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she
leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man happily continues to explore the colony's facilities. He
enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within seconds, a
huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No".....what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $3200 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady," replies the man.....I'm 68 years old.......I only get
an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
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The office phone rings, one of the employees picks up and says:
"What kind of an idiot is it that dares to phone me in the middle of my lunch break?!?"
The caller shouts back:
"Do you have any idea whom you are talking to...? I am the CEO of this company!"
The employee replies:
"Do you have any idea whom YOU are talking to?"
Perplexed the CEO mumbles: "NO!!!"
The employee heaves a sigh of relieve and say:
"Thank goodness for that!!" and hangs up.
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The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road.
One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
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A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five notifications in the mail, of traffic fines for driving without a seat belt.
There’s just no cure for stupidity.
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A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool, England while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hel_l, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own dam_n blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.
”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”
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A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
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Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'
'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
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This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Prime Minister Mori that when he shakes his hand with President Obama, please say, "how are you?" Then Mr. Obama should reply, "I am fine, and you?" Now, Prime Minister Mori should say "me too." Afterwards they, the translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said "Who are you?" (Instead of "How are you?")
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha..."
Then Mori replied "me too, ha-ha.. .".
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
Doctor Tan
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
Dr Tan wanted to go bring his family to the movies in the evening, so he approached his partner, 'Dr Lim, I am going off early tonight, but please don't want to close the clinic early. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Dr Lim.
So Dr Tan goes for the family outing evening and came back happily and asks: 'So, Dr Lim, how was your evening?'
Dr Lim told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Very good, how was the second one?' asks Dr Tan
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Dr Lim.
Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks Dr Tan.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a very sexy woman with nice huge breasts rushes into the room.
Very quickly, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't Seen a man in over two years!!
'Wah liao ehhhh!!!! so what did you do???!!!!' asks Dr Tan
Dr Lim replies 'Very simple, I put eye drops in her eyes!!