AltumAngel
-
Posts
6 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Downloads
Posts posted by AltumAngel
-
-
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"
She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"
-
I'm not sure how true they are.... but enjoy anyways.........
Proof That the World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense..)
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is that a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of??? Did the government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)
-
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six Schitt, were inseparable throughout Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens nuptials."
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarce. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
-
One night 4 college students were out partying till late night and didn't study for a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the Professor and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Professor said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
See below…
************************************************** ***************************************
Q1
Your Name
....... ........ ........ (2 MARKS)
Q2
Which tyre burst? ...(98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b)Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
-
A teacher was entering a classroom when she heard two 1st grader quarelling. It grabbed her attention and she went over to ask what was wrong.
John: " We found a $10 on the floor but we cant decide who should have it."
Tom: "So we decided to give to whosoever could tell the best lie."
Teacher: "How could you!?When i was your age, i did not even know what a lie was!"
Tom and John looked at each other and handed the teacher the $10.
-
A new condominium wanted to hire security guards. The management decided that the night shift would require 2 guards to be on duty, and hence, hired 2 guys for the job. The manager then told the two of them 'No funny stuff at night. You are to patrol and you may take a rest if you want. No slacking.'
However, one night, the condominium seemed quiet, and the manager did not see anyone patrolling. Suspicious, he went to take a look, and found the 2 guards, with another man, in the jacuzzi. Angered, he asked, 'What were you two doing?'
The first guard said innocently. 'Nothing. Just taking a rest and blowing bubbles.'
The second guard, too, replied, 'I'm blowing bubbles too.' The manager had nothing to say and decided to turn to the third guy too.
'And you? What are you doing?'
The third guy thought for a moment and replied, 'I'm Bubbles.'
-
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
-
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."
-
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing “We forgot the “R”, We forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word should be celebRate!!”
And according to urbandictionary.com, celebate means not having sex or to be without sexing up. Can be either for relgious reasons, personal, or because no one wants to have sex with you. =]
-
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hel_l's wrong with your *****?
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure am not touching it myself!"
-
there was a big house with a big swimming pool and a very pretty young lady who likes to swim naked every evening without fail. in her garden lives two worms that are stiff bored and wanted to do something adventures.
so worm A said to worm B this evening we are going to do something very adventures together, we`ll wait for the young lady to swim in her pool then we`ll tag on her and follow her home,
so that evening when the young lady go for her swim in the pool the two worms rushed in the pool and try to climb up onto her, since she was swimming too fast both worms got separated. worm A end up in her front hole and worm B end up in her rear hole.
3 days later both worms meet and tell each other about their little adventure,
so worm A asked worm B what happen to him, he then said his adventure is not as he expected, he end up in a cave he says, and it stinks like shit, worm A told him that his adventure was a nasty one, on his first day while he was wondering in the cave which he landed out of nowhere a fierce dragon enters the cave and try to attack him till he was pushed against the wall many times over, i was pissed by the dragon and and bite the dragon, then the dragon spit on me with a powerfull shots, after the dragon leaves i told myself to be prepared and the moment if the dragon came back i will be ready to spit back on it, true enough the second day it came back, when the dragon reach in i spit at it with all my might after a while i discover that my effort is meaningless, worm B ask why is that so, worm A reply, the dam_n dragon wears a raincoat.
-
________________________________________
Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)
At home watch TV, go out bring HP.
No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.
Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.
TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated.
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute,
slim, curvy and very portable at any time.
Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is
high and often demanding.
Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..
Last but not least.........
TV do not have virus, but h/p ??
-
The teacher in Johnny´s school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny´s turn, he stood up and said "My mom´s a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal´s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
-
Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I
have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet
blowjob. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my
headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is
nice, too!"
-
An Italian, a French and an American were having lunch together. They were all husbands and had started to boast to each other about how good they were in bed.
The Italian guy said, "Lasta nighta, i make love to me wife 3 times! Thisa morning, she said to me that im the greatest lover in the whole world!"
The French guy said, "Ah zat is nuthing! Last night i make love to my wife 5 times! Zis morning she zaid i iz the super lover in the whole world!"
All this time the American guy sat there quietly eating his lunch. The two guys turned to him and asked "Hey how about you? How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
The American guy said, "Oh, one time."
"Hahahaha, one time? That is so pathetic, and what did your wife say to you this morning?" laughed the other two guys.
"Don't stop." said the american.
-
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you".
-
in a forensic class, the professor is taking his students for their first practical lesson. All of them were very excited and nervous at the same time.
the professor gathered the students around a dead body and said " there are two main points to be a good forensic scientist. First, one has to dare to do anything to a dead body in order to find the real cause of death"
having said that, he put his finger in the dead body's arse and put it in his mouth, and instruct all his students to do the same.
One by one, reluctantly, they each stuck their finger into the body's arse and put it in their mouth.
after the last student had finished doing so, the the professor continued " the second point to be a good forensic scientist is to b observant, notice that i had put my index finger into the arse but put my middle finger into my mouth"
-
A man and a woman were sleeping soundly one night when they were awakened by a loud sound in the hall.
The woman turned to the guy and said,"I think it's my husband."
The guy immediately jumped out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out of the window stark naked. He then painfully crash landed into a thorn bush outside, rolled a few times on the rough, concrete driveway and made a beeline for his car.
A few moments later, the guy came back into the house and said,"Wait a minute, I AM your husband!"
The woman replied,"Then why were you running?"
-
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
-
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one
day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.
When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their
clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their " freedom. "
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of
ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and
the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he
covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied,
" I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the
face that people recognize. "
-
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic
>to get a physical.
>
>A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
>gorgeous young woman on his arm.
>
>A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
>doing great, aren't you?"
>
>"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'", Morris
>replied.
>
>To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
>heart murmur, be careful!"
-
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000.
The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.
-
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
-
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Pay Attention
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and ****ing on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and ****ed on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."