[English Vehicles]

Note to self: don't feed the trolls.

[English Vehicles]

I think you should have posted these 'jokes; 40 years ago still they are interesting relics.

40 years ago it would have been quicker to just telephone the other 17 people actually connected to the internet (or ARPANET as it was known then)

[English Vehicles]

Anyone who has owned an All English car or motorbike (pre 1990's) would understand these...

Obviously the reference is to electrical systems made by the Lucas Corporation.

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they do still have a claim to "sudden, unexpected darkness."

Lucas -- inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas -- inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch -- DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

The other three switch settings -- SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The original anti-theft devices -- Lucas Electric products.

"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...."

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas torpedo? It sank.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal
Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much
resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and
asked the owner, "How can you tell one switch from another at night,
since they all look the same?" He replied, "It doesn't matter which one
you use, nothing happens anyway!"

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and
began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they
offered which didn't suck.

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they
had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas makes refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.

Joseph Lucas invented the short circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment:
check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times
sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect
your unworthy servant."

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

[The Church Vs. The Brothel.]

I've heard this one in a number of variations, and actually thought it had

been posted here for years ...but I didn't find it.

So here it is again...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their
building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local
Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding
-- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the
ground!

After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their
outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big
Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and
the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately
responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either
through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously
denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's
destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint
and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I
don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it
appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who
staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

[Phuket German Expat Loses Bt600K To Skimmers]

Same thing happened to me, years ago with Bangkok Bank and significantly more money.

Bank didn't care, and also tried to suggest that I withdrew the money myself.

Years later and all I have from them is a bill for their legal expenses, as if I'll ever pay that!

in my opinion, while the bank has your money, THEY should be held responsible.

[Inventive Thieves Fail To Rob Phuket A T M With Blowtorch]

Aren't there video camera's on all ATM's?

Only for the purpose of recording your PIN for the card skimmers...

(YES! I am still puking about Bangkok Bank and their lack of consumer protection)

[Let's Offend Everyone!]

[Facebook Status]

I have drawn a picture for Warfie to illustrate the meaning of "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" and it just occurred to me that he may not have caught on to what the police understood when they read "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort". Warfie, if this should be the case please say so and I'm sure somebody will come along and draw also this picture for you (not graphically, though, please)

I'm not sure whether to actually respond or just laugh this off....

Either way, I'm having another giggle...

Thanks Maestro!

[Facebook Status]

1997? 16 years old... time to update that joke, I think...

[A Paperless Future]

[Phuket Opinion: Get On The Bus]

Do they have brakes?

[Bikes Blazing Across Phuket, Arson Suspected]

Check to see if the bikes still have their original mufflers / silencers... if not, I could hazard a guess at why the arsonist is doing this...

[The New Pope]

Perfect groaner, didn't see it coming until it hit...

After that one, you had better postpone your visit, Kevin...
Unless of course you *ENJOY* being kicked in the balls by a man laughing hysterically....

[Norwegian Stein Dokset Accused Of Murder Refuses To Give Testimony: Phuket]

Read the story, then try to work-out how the reporter decided that "refused the services of the court appointed interpreter" = "refused to give testimony"....

And, *TRY* to remember that this is supposed to be a civilised society, innocent until proven guilty... remember?

[The Pope Vs. Moishe]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the
Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a

middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one
addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would
be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope
waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the
ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This
man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent
the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my
finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with
us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us
from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He
had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then
he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him
know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

[Amazing Grace]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late, and saw the funeral directors had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. My head hung low, and my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[New Multi-Million Baht Chalong Dam Plagued With Problems]

Can't open the gate of the dam? And they are talking about building a nuclear power plant?

The plans for a nuclear power plant have been scratched after the people living in the area where it was supposed to be built were all against it.

Doesn't really matter where. Pimay 1's quote of "And they are talking about building a nuclear power plant?" is a viable question posed ANYWHERE in this country.

I would question the wisdom of building a nuclear reactor in ANY country...

[Thailand's Longest Bridge To Connect Samut Prakarn And Samut Sakhon]

Prasert Janruang-thong, deputy transport minister, said the 1,120-metre
bridge will stretch over the Chao Phraya and Tha Chin rivers.


Construction of the 57-km, six-lane bridge will cost Bt49.6 billion and
should start in the next three years and take at least three years to
finish.

Another well written article, common sense tells me that it's more likely 1,120 metres than 57 KM...

[Farmland Zoning Could Cause Cuts To Costly Crop Subsidies: Thailand]

But what are they going to grow on the millions of rai of land that is basically inappropriate for anything?

If they zone isaan they will find huge tracts of it are saline. What to grow?

Might be appropriate locations for solar or wind farms...

The problem with that is up here in Esaan the wind doesn't blow much and when it does it is only a slight breeze.

Ok, but I'm sure you get plenty of sunshine.

Seems to work well enough in Lopburi.

[Farmland Zoning Could Cause Cuts To Costly Crop Subsidies: Thailand]

But what are they going to grow on the millions of rai of land that is basically inappropriate for anything?

If they zone isaan they will find huge tracts of it are saline. What to grow?

Might be appropriate locations for solar or wind farms...

[Small Sums Will Be Given To Killed Insurgents' Families: Thai South]

They deserve nothing except, as another poster suggested, a bill for the bullets use to stop them performing their criminal, terrorist act.

[Cops Demand Money From Shopowner In Front Of Reporter]

While I'm sure to many this is merely confirmation of something that was long suspected.

Although that it could go right to the top of the system is maybe more of a surprise?

So does anyone here think it could have spread to the judiciary? For example, I've often wondered what chances a foreign businessman has here of taking on a Thai in the civil courts and receiving a fair and balanced result? After all, judges don't get paid very much here, unlike in the West?

I can tell you from bitter experience that despite the evidence, the Thai won.

THEN I was ordered to pay the other parties legal costs... NOT BL00DY LIKELY!

You do realize the judges get the majority of their income from lawyers & associates don't you? I got introduced to a lawyer that had never lost a case .... but he was very expensive ... I wonder why? Sounds like your lawyer got outbid.

Pretty much my assumption too.

[Cops Demand Money From Shopowner In Front Of Reporter]

Next: Pheu Thai candidate Pol. General Pongsapat promises to crack down on police extortion when elected

But you have to understand, that was just an election promise

[Cops Demand Money From Shopowner In Front Of Reporter]

While I'm sure to many this is merely confirmation of something that was long suspected.

Although that it could go right to the top of the system is maybe more of a surprise?

So does anyone here think it could have spread to the judiciary? For example, I've often wondered what chances a foreign businessman has here of taking on a Thai in the civil courts and receiving a fair and balanced result? After all, judges don't get paid very much here, unlike in the West?

I can tell you from bitter experience that despite the evidence, the Thai won.

THEN I was ordered to pay the other parties legal costs... NOT BL00DY LIKELY!

[Cops Demand Money From Shopowner In Front Of Reporter]

Finally Porn told them that Banjong was a journalist. Banjong then wai-ed the officers and asked them if they were aware that their boss, the Metropolitan Police commissioner, had recently issued an order prohibiting police from accepting money for the Chinese New Year.

The sergeant appeared stunned upon learning of Banjong's identity. However, he said, "My boss in fact receives more money than me and other [officers]. The money I collected is for the boss - we got a very small sum." Both police, however, left the shop. The incident was recorded by the shop's security cameras.

Brilliant! Not only an admission of guilt, but also an admission that the corruption is institutionalised and extends up the ladder, I doubt the boss will be too happy with him!