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About ballpoint

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    maim and dis-member

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    at my computer

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  1. It would be hilarious, and well worth it, if it was true though.
  2. A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
  3. A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?" The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fac
  4. Why is it that when a queen has a baby they fire a 21-gun salute, but when a nun has a baby they fire a dirty old canon?
  5. Given the topic heading, for his futile efforts at turning the tide, he'll be known as Deleted Camute. Edit: Can't even say the word for a male sovereign without it getting auto censored now? Try again: Deleted Henry the 8th. Edit edit: Nope. Strange.
  6. Yep. I'd love to be a fly on Pence's head during those briefings.
  7. But the White House will be brighter. In every sense of the word.
  8. How do you save a bagpiper from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
  9. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".
  10. My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
  11. I've washed my hands that much, I've just uncovered a nightclub stamp from 20 years ago!
  12. A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks, "What are the easiest exercises I can take to lose weight?" He replies, "At certain times, just shake your head." "What certain times?" "Whenever someone offers you food!"
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