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About ballpoint

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    maim and dis-member

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    at my computer

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  1. I think you'll find, Mr president, that it was the Confederate generals depicted by the statues being torn down, and in the names of army bases that so many want changed (but you don't), who actually started, and fought for, a movement designed to overthrow the American revolution.
  2. Or it could just be describing the female owner...
  3. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
  4. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support.
  5. I rang up the AIS help line and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller". She said: "Not you again".
  6. I get hit by the same bike every morning on my walk to work. It’s a vicious cycle.
  7. My 4 year old cousin has been learning Spanish during the lock-down, but she can't say 'please' yet. I think that's poor for four.
  8. A gamekeeper was patrolling the grounds of large house where he was employed. He came across a man with his arm down a rabbit hole. As he approached and poked the muzzle of his gun on the mans back. As the man turned round, the gamekeeper recognised him as being the vicar: GAMEKEEPER: "Vicar, I am surprised at YOU stealing rabbits." VICAR: "I'm only catching one for my tea." GAMEKEEPER: "But you must have over 30 rabbits there. How did you manage that?" VICAR: "If I tell you my secret will you let me go?" GAMEKEEPER: "I might do. Now tell me how you do it." VICAR: "Well before I come out I put my hand up a woman's skirt. The smell on my fingers is irresistible to the rabbits." GAMEKEEPER: "Oh, well get out of here and don't let me catch you again." The gamekeeper took the rabbits and sold them for £2 each. He thought later that he'd like to get some more to sell, so the remembered what the Vicar told him. He races home and runs in the kitchen to see his wife just bending down to put something in the oven. Without hesitation he shoves his hand up her skirt and had a grope. Without even turning around to look, his wife says. "Oh hello Vicar. Going poaching again?
  9. Last night the barmaid in my local got her nipple pierced right in front of everyone. I’ve never been much good at darts.
  10. But lanes 6, 7 and 8 have been merged to accommodate the fatties who couldn't train earlier, thus requiring more space.
  11. Good news for competitive swimmers. Olympic sized swimming pools have re-opened. But due to social distancing, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5!
  12. My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music... I asked, "Didja redo it?"
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