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About ballpoint

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    maim and dis-member

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    at my computer

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  1. A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.” “Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I'd better have the bad news first.” The Sarge says, “I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
  2. I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.
  3. My mate from Liverpool phoned me and said his wife was making him sleep on the sofa tonight... I feel sorry for the guy. It must be cold in the front garden.
  4. Two cannibals sat eating Michael McIntyre, One said, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other replied, "No, not in the slightest"
  5. My parrot broke its leg today, so I made it a splint using a matchstick. You should have seen its little face light up when it tried to walk.
  6. And here they are coming home again in the evening...
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