thaipopsy Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 I am a 50 years old woman from Spain/half Thai, living in Thailand for the last 10 years with my American husband. He is 65 years old. We have a stable life, and very happy in many ways, but without sex for the last 2 years. Just given his satisfaction some times. One of the reasons for that was because I lost interest in sex after menopause, and he was fine with that. He never show me any sign of infidelity, and he is the kind of domestic person, without addictions, and not interest in bars and parties. He also said that he was not so much interested in sex anymore, and we had not problem with our celibate. We are active and healthy, looking even a lot younger than our real age. This week my husband had a medical exam in his genitals for what he felt was skin allergy, or something similar. The doctor found out that he got herpes.... and told that we will have to be careful because it is a contagious condition. I asked my husband if he had sexual contacts with somebody and he denied it. He said that he do not have idea how that happens. Now I am not sure if he was not cheating me in the last 3 years. The problem now is also that I am not feeling safe sharing our home and our bed with the chance to him passing the infection to me. I am having toughs of divorcing him. We do not have children, and I am an independent woman. I am very confuse with all this and without close friends to talk about it. I had a calm life with my husband, based in mutual truth and respect, we had mutual friends, most foreigners, great people, and I feel bad just thinking in be alone again, at my age, and in a foreign country. How to explain to them this situation if I decided to divorce my husband??? Please share your opinion about this, only sending messages to me. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 I am a 60 year old male. I have had herpes since I was 25. It is not the end of the world any more than a celibate marriage. If you have herpes it is not always active and when it is inactive you are not contagious. How many outbreaks you get every year depends on the individual. If you are very healthy and have a good immune system you can go years between outbreaks. If on the other hand you smoke and drink a lot and lead a stressful life you can have an outbreak every month. In any event, if your marriage is already celibate then without sexual contact you cannot contract herpes. I guess that because you have never been interested in it before you are obviously ignorant of what herpes is. The very first thing you should do is read as much as possible about it from the internet. This should reduce your fear of it. If you and your husband love each other at all and value your relationship as it is , it would be foolish to throw it all away based on a temporary fear of the unknown. Really....if you are not having sex then you are worrying about nothing. Time is a great healer. Put your current fears to sleep for a few months then see how you feel. As for possible infidelity, herpes can remain dormant for a long time and there is a truly staggering amount of people who have contracted it but are totally unaware of the fact because it hardly intrudes on their life at all. Your husband may have had herpes for many years and has only just become aware of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poanoi Posted December 29, 2017 Share Posted December 29, 2017 well, staying is not an option if you intend to make a come-back in the hay, and if you dont intend to make a come-back, then its not an issue, i sure wouldnt suck on a herpes clad burrito tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheryl Posted December 30, 2017 Share Posted December 30, 2017 Indeed you do nto have to worry about catching herpes from him if you are not having sex with him. Herpes cannot be caught from bedsheets, towels or other inanimate objects, only through sex. (So much for his claim that he doesn't know how he got it -- he must know, since there is only one way to get it). He has not been fully honest with you regarding his willingness to be celibate, and he has in fact had sex with someone else at least once. Although your husband is American, it is not unusual for western men to "go native" in their attitudes towards extramarital sex once in Thailand, and in particular to feel that sex with a prostitute/bar girl doesn't "count" as infidelity (as many Thai men also feel). He may even think that he is doing you a kindness to go elsewhere for his needs since he knows you are no longer interested. You need to have a frank discussion with him to get all this out in the open and decide how to proceed from here. There are counselors in Bangkok who can do couples therapy. See the links below. http://www.psiadmin.com/ http://ncs-counseling.com/ www.bangkokpsychology.com I suggest you tell him, firmly, that you know he has been unfaithful and that it troubles you. It may help reduce his defensiveness if you add that you realize that your own lack of interest in sex may be why it happened, (and it is true). Then ask him to go with you for some short term counselling to sort things out. If he refuses to go, go by yourself so that at least you can get some help in sorting out your feelings and deciding what to do. If it were me in your shoes the dishonesty would be a bigger issue, than the sex and getting him to acknowledge the truth and discuss it would be important. It also sounds like you are either going to have to (1) try to revive your sex life (there are measures you can take to reduce the risk of getting infected by him, and hormone therapy might help revive your libido -- if you want it revived, many women in your situation don't) OR (2) come to some agreement regarding him having extramarital sex. Because it seems, whatever the level of his sex drive, it is not totally dormant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted December 30, 2017 Share Posted December 30, 2017 I would just add some things to Sheryls post. When I met my first wife I told her I had herpes. Being already aware of what it was it did not bother her. We subsequently married and it was three years before she contracted it from me. This because we abstained from sex whenever I was active ( obviously got careless somewhere ). As for from whom I contracted it totally impossible to say. I was young and had lots of sexual partners so can't point a finger at anyone. My best guess is that it was dormant in me for a while and when I came down with flu ( in the UK ) my immune system was down and I had my first outbreak. In all those years it has not bothered me much. Since I gave up heavy drinking , smoking and partying I only get about one small outbreak a year which typically lasts a week from start to finish. Apart from that not affected my life at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thaipopsy Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 On 12/30/2017 at 8:55 PM, Sheryl said: Indeed you do nto have to worry about catching herpes from him if you are not having sex with him. Herpes cannot be caught from bedsheets, towels or other inanimate objects, only through sex. (So much for his claim that he doesn't know how he got it -- he must know, since there is only one way to get it). He has not been fully honest with you regarding his willingness to be celibate, and he has in fact had sex with someone else at least once. Although your husband is American, it is not unusual for western men to "go native" in their attitudes towards extramarital sex once in Thailand, and in particular to feel that sex with a prostitute/bar girl doesn't "count" as infidelity (as many Thai men also feel). He may even think that he is doing you a kindness to go elsewhere for his needs since he knows you are no longer interested. You need to have a frank discussion with him to get all this out in the open and decide how to proceed from here. There are counselors in Bangkok who can do couples therapy. See the links below. http://www.psiadmin.com/ http://ncs-counseling.com/ www.bangkokpsychology.com I suggest you tell him, firmly, that you know he has been unfaithful and that it troubles you. It may help reduce his defensiveness if you add that you realize that your own lack of interest in sex may be why it happened, (and it is true). Then ask him to go with you for some short term counselling to sort things out. If he refuses to go, go by yourself so that at least you can get some help in sorting out your feelings and deciding what to do. If it were me in your shoes the dishonesty would be a bigger issue, than the sex and getting him to acknowledge the truth and discuss it would be important. It also sounds like you are either going to have to (1) try to revive your sex life (there are measures you can take to reduce the risk of getting infected by him, and hormone therapy might help revive your libido -- if you want it revived, many women in your situation don't) OR (2) come to some agreement regarding him having extramarital sex. Because it seems, whatever the level of his sex drive, it is not totally dormant. Thank you for your input...but now I am confused. I asked my husband to do a blood test to see if he got more than herpes. We also did together. Was negative, and about the herpes situation the nurse said that he may got herpes seating in a toilette, sharing a cup, a towel, or wth any skin contact with an infected person. Even my doctor told me the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheryl Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Either the nurse and doctor are ill-informed or (more likely) they wanted to ease the marital tension or just tell you what they thought you wanted to hear. This last is extremely common in Thai culture and discussions with medical staff are no exception. Herpes does not live outside the body. It requires direct contact. Skin to skin yes (but in what other than sex is there skin to skin contact with the genitals?) But toilet seat towel etc no, not possible. Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dick dasterdly Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 On 12/30/2017 at 8:55 PM, Sheryl said: Indeed you do nto have to worry about catching herpes from him if you are not having sex with him. Herpes cannot be caught from bedsheets, towels or other inanimate objects, only through sex. (So much for his claim that he doesn't know how he got it -- he must know, since there is only one way to get it). He has not been fully honest with you regarding his willingness to be celibate, and he has in fact had sex with someone else at least once. Although your husband is American, it is not unusual for western men to "go native" in their attitudes towards extramarital sex once in Thailand, and in particular to feel that sex with a prostitute/bar girl doesn't "count" as infidelity (as many Thai men also feel). He may even think that he is doing you a kindness to go elsewhere for his needs since he knows you are no longer interested. You need to have a frank discussion with him to get all this out in the open and decide how to proceed from here. There are counselors in Bangkok who can do couples therapy. See the links below. http://www.psiadmin.com/ http://ncs-counseling.com/ www.bangkokpsychology.com I suggest you tell him, firmly, that you know he has been unfaithful and that it troubles you. It may help reduce his defensiveness if you add that you realize that your own lack of interest in sex may be why it happened, (and it is true). Then ask him to go with you for some short term counselling to sort things out. If he refuses to go, go by yourself so that at least you can get some help in sorting out your feelings and deciding what to do. If it were me in your shoes the dishonesty would be a bigger issue, than the sex and getting him to acknowledge the truth and discuss it would be important. It also sounds like you are either going to have to (1) try to revive your sex life (there are measures you can take to reduce the risk of getting infected by him, and hormone therapy might help revive your libido -- if you want it revived, many women in your situation don't) OR (2) come to some agreement regarding him having extramarital sex. Because it seems, whatever the level of his sex drive, it is not totally dormant. I know a couple of people with non-genital herpes. Genuine question, could this also only have been a result of sex with a herpes infected partner? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheryl Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 No. Non-genital herpes is a different viral strain (HSV-1) and not contracted sexually. In fact most people get it as children, so-called cold sores or fever blisters.Genital herpes is herpes virus HSV-2.Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honestaboutthailand Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 I find it disturbing that Sheryl would have the audacity to assume that "of course he has had sex with someone else" during the marriage. Is she clairvoyant? The OP did not state how long they have been married. IF it has been a long time, then perhaps he is a dormant carrier? She did not indicate the test results showed Type II or Type I. Many Herpes II can be dormant for years or decades. There are thousands and thousands of documented cases of people who "carry" the virus but do not have any symptoms for their entire life! Symptoms can be triggered by many variables including drugs, etc. Also, OP does not indicate if they had reliable blood tests from the past that were clear and now he is positive. If that is the case, then certainly there can be concern regarding infidelity. Sheryl is right about one thing - do not trust Thai doctors! Perhaps the OP might want to get a second opinion and test results from a specialist? This forum is filled with posts of wrong diagnosis from Thai doctors i.e. have cancer but don't, don't have cancer but do. Find a urinary specialist (urologist). I would suggest the OP read from medical professionals rather than forum palm readers and MD's. Here is a comprehensive article: https://www.dovemed.com/diseases-conditions/genital-ulcer-sores-male/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperTed Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 So OP, what happened? How did you handle this?Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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