Farang and Thai woman with two teens. Marry?

[thaibeachlovers]

3 minutes ago, transam said:

I did much the same but no uni, the lad now has a job for life and he knows he only has that because of me. In fact he treats me as his dad and we get on great.

Mrs.Trans sister has no farang husband, a Thai, they have three children, all been to uni and have degree's..One sells second hand clothes in a market, one lays on the sofa all day being fed grapes and the third is a salesman..

My ex's 2 nephews were brought up by their widowed granny. One turned out to be a pleasant person, and the other a little <deleted>.

Far as I know both from same parents.

As it turned out, I had more dealings with the <deleted> than the nice one. I guess my marriage was cursed in more ways than one.

[OmarZaid]

Fortunately, I married a Thai lady (widow) with a boy and a girl who, by the time we connected, were grown: son in Japan married and working; daughter in Uni. Our prenup covered her daughter till she finished Uni ... which she did and then got a job with a relative, and moved on (4 hours away) but we remain very close. Treat's me better than my own daughters.

 

So I'm fortunate because the mother raised them to become independent decent people. But I've heard and read so many horror stories and know of several families with young men suffering from arrested development that I caution you to keep her at arm's length until you are more acquainted with the facts of these offspring. 

[4MyEgo]

On 15/03/2018 at 10:35 AM, OneMoreFarang said:

You must love her a lot to even think about marrying her under these conditions.

Sounds like expensive stress to me.

Good luck, you will need it.

When I married my Thai wife 11 years ago, I knew she had twin boys age 3 years old.

 

I had a 9 year old daughter in Australia.

 

She lived with me in Sydney for 9 years while the boys lived with their grandparents and we would visit for 2-3 months a year, she also had the choice to go for a month or two by herself if ever she wanted too, but never did. I also suggested the boys come to Sydney to live with us, however she said it would only confuse them as we planned to move to Thailand when I reached 55.

 

I would send 10,000 baht every month to her parents, she never asked for it, I suggested it, and she then said no more than 10,000 baht as that would feed the family and pay for school uniforms, books etc etc

 

We moved here as planned 2 and a half years ago and took the boys straight in with us as we built a new house while we were in Australia, and all went well with the build, as her sister would send us photos of every construction stage that I wanted and the materials were all paid for at the local hardware, top builder, very precise and fair in his costing to build it.

 

We have had two daughters together, 3 almost 4, and 8, the boys turn 14 next month.

 

From my experience I can say this, they look up to me as their father, they are very respectful, listen when I speak, they love their sisters and look out for them, they love their mum to death, they know the difference between right and wrong, they do not hang with the village gangs on motorbikes, drinking and doing drugs, they have the freedom to go and play soccer/basketball up the road or visit the internet cafe, but they have all the comforts here at home so they stay and enjoy and are turning out to be fine young men.

 

My wife has never asked anything from me for the boys, I gave her 300,000 baht at our wedding, i.e. it was a 500,000 baht Sin Sot, 200,000 baht was for mum and dad, the 300,000 was for the boys education, to date she has 235,000 baht remaining and knew the conditions from day one, i.e. not to be touched except for the boys education, school fees, books, uniforms etc etc

 

I do give her money after she buys the boys shoes or clothes, and she appreciates it but doesn't expect it, and she is proud, but knows when to allow me to contribute to things like play stations, and the like, she also appreciates me putting them in place when need be, and I can say this, she expects it, and they are easier to put in place than the girls, although I do treat them all equally and as my children.

 

I do not see it as an expensive stress and disagree with the poster needing luck.

 

It has to do with love and wanting to contribute to others less fortunate, i.e. give them a better education and a life that I never had, but all the kids know, they will only get a leg up, if they put the effort in and create the path they want to go down, no pressure from me.

 

As long as my Mrs loves me, stands by me and me her when it comes to the kids, keeps cooking and doing the bedroom romp 3-4 times a week, and affording my little trips away to put some numbers on the board, and maintain my support to the local waterholes, its no stress or expense that I cannot afford.

 

Life is short, I suppose you could say its selflessness in a way, but each to their own, I love this life and this wife, and the kids, stress in the mind of the beholder and you cannot take it with you, so enjoy it, and make use of it through the enjoyment of others as well as yourself, that's my kick in life among other things 

Having said all of the above, only invest as much as your prepared to lose, i.e. no more than 10% in my book of rules, and always have a plan B, (exit plan) if things don't turn out the way you want and cannot handle it any longer.

 

Good luck either way, as it really depends on the woman you have chosen in my opinion.

 

[OneMoreFarang]

10 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

On ‎15‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 6:35 AM, OneMoreFarang said:

You must love her a lot to even think about marrying her under these conditions.

Sounds like expensive stress to me.

Good luck, you will need it.

When I married my Thai wife 11 years ago, I knew she had twin boys age 3 years old.

The OP tells us she has 13 and 15 year old teenager kids. Do you spot the difference?

[4MyEgo]

21 hours ago, Goodwill Jones said:

Gentleman, I would like to thank each and every one of you for the insight. It is much appreciated. It was at times very hard to raise two teen boys in the states, track and martial arts was a saving grace for me. (They were busy busy) Both are doing great. Thailand I have no clue?

Personally it all boils down to the woman your seeking to marry, here on TVF you will only get the disaster stories from a lot of old grumpy Humpty dumpy's which may confuse you.

 

Read, and analyse, but you cannot decide based on other xpats experiences, there are a hell of a lot of good Thai women out there and doing a good job raising their kids.

 

Sounds to me as if the kids will be old enough to stand on their own too feet soon.

 

It also depends what you lady wants from you, she might want you to not get involved, or you may not want to take on the "stress" others have suggested.

 

I think you should talk to your partner and discuss at length your role and her role and what is expected, once you have ironed that out, the rest should be straight forward in my opinion.

[LukKrueng]

22 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

 

If you do go ahead, make sure you're never in a position with the daughter where you could be compromised ie, never be in a room with just the 2 of you and the door closed. I'm sure I don't have to explain that.

 

18 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Because the guy will never win if accused by a girl/ woman.

Imagine if he falls out with the girl ( 13 and going through that very confusing period of life ) for some silly reason, and she accuses him of molesting her. He's done,

You realize that false recitations can be made even of the guy has never put himself in a closed room alone with the girl, right? In normal family's daily life there can be many scenarios which a lying kid can use to fabricate false excitations. 

[OneMoreFarang]

7 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Personally it all boils down to the woman your seeking to marry, here on TVF you will only get the disaster stories from a lot of old grumpy Humpty dumpy's which may confuse you.

 

Read, and analyse, but you cannot decide based on other xpats experiences, there are a hell of a lot of good Thai women out there and doing a good job raising their kids.

 

Sounds to me as if the kids will be old enough to stand on their own too feet soon.

 

It also depends what you lady wants from you, she might want you to not get involved, or you may not want to take on the "stress" others have suggested.

 

I think you should talk to your partner and discuss at length your role and her role and what is expected, once you have ironed that out, the rest should be straight forward in my opinion.

You might be right and maybe everything works perfectly fine.

 

But what do you do if you agree with the women that the teenagers are not your concern and maybe a year or two later they become your concern because lots of teenagers do crazy things. Do you tell "your wife" then that is her problem and you don't care?

I heard and saw enough horror stories from teenager from poor families or rich families and anything in between.

You can do your best to raise small children (like in your case 3 year old) but if you have to accept teenagers like they are with maybe a problematic upbringing you can almost bet there will be trouble.

[thesetat2013]

8 hours ago, Rc2702 said:

Half the battle if you have a good relationship with the lad but maybe you should try and delve deeper and figure out what the basis of you all living together is for. If that is the plan? I say this because some people just like to get one over on another. Parent clash etc. Why would you uproot the daughter if she fine with dad? Having never met her either it sounds a bit premature to be contemplating anything serious. Those steps need time and better understanding of the dynamics of the existing arrangements should not go ignored. Only needs 1 argument 1 loss of face 1 dislike for a kid to scream I don't want to live here. Kis with options will use options regardless of where thry are from.

Something else to consider.  I read a thread about a foreigner husband and thai wife being forced to pay for the sons misdeeds even though the son lived elsewhere with the parental father. You will be as the most able to pay alot. Whether he gets into trouble or impregnated a girl. The son or daughter will run to mommy and mom will of course be coercing you to agree by any means

[thaibeachlovers]

7 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Personally it all boils down to the woman your seeking to marry, here on TVF you will only get the disaster stories from a lot of old grumpy Humpty dumpy's which may confuse you.

 

Read, and analyse, but you cannot decide based on other xpats experiences, there are a hell of a lot of good Thai women out there and doing a good job raising their kids.

 

Sounds to me as if the kids will be old enough to stand on their own too feet soon.

 

It also depends what you lady wants from you, she might want you to not get involved, or you may not want to take on the "stress" others have suggested.

 

I think you should talk to your partner and discuss at length your role and her role and what is expected, once you have ironed that out, the rest should be straight forward in my opinion.

I understand what you are saying, but when a man marries a woman with her own children it's always a union of all, and not just the man and woman. There will not be a single day when the children do not impact the relationship in some way.

The OP has no obligation to take on another's children, so he has the opportunity to back off now, and from my experience, I advise him to do so. I made a huge mistake and my mission in life is to warn other men. NB I am WARNING, but they can make up their own mind.

 

I once got involved with a woman that had adult children, but when I found out that one of them was a gang banger I was out of there.

[4MyEgo]

18 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

The OP tells us she has 13 and 15 year old teenager kids. Do you spot the difference?

Yes, the tree has already taken shape, i.e. harder to bend, but in all fairness, he has to meet them and see their personalities and if he likes what he see's all and good, otherwise some boundaries would have to be laid, i.e. his role/responsibility's, she might not even want him to be involved ?

[thaibeachlovers]

11 minutes ago, LukKrueng said:

 

You realize that false recitations can be made even of the guy has never put himself in a closed room alone with the girl, right? In normal family's daily life there can be many scenarios which a lying kid can use to fabricate false excitations. 

Of course I realise that, but we could get run over by a bus if we don't look before crossing the road. We can only do what we can to minimise the chance of catastrophe, but nothing in life is guaranteed.

As long as the man and girl are never in a room with the door closed, the man refuses to be left alone in the house with her, and stays in a room with other people while in the house, the chances of false accusation are reduced significantly.

[OneMoreFarang]

2 minutes ago, thesetat2013 said:

Something else to consider.  I read a thread about a foreigner husband and thai wife being forced to pay for the sons misdeeds even though the son lived elsewhere with the parental father. You will be as the most able to pay alot. Whether he gets into trouble or impregnated a girl. The son or daughter will run to mommy and mom will of course be coercing you to agree by any means

Don't worry about the son impregnating a girl. They never pay and as far as I know they are also not legally obliged to pay (in Thailand).

[4MyEgo]

8 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

You might be right and maybe everything works perfectly fine.

 

But what do you do if you agree with the women that the teenagers are not your concern and maybe a year or two later they become your concern because lots of teenagers do crazy things. Do you tell "your wife" then that is her problem and you don't care?

I heard and saw enough horror stories from teenager from poor families or rich families and anything in between.

You can do your best to raise small children (like in your case 3 year old) but if you have to accept teenagers like they are with maybe a problematic upbringing you can almost bet there will be trouble.

I agree with what you are saying.

 

Both the Mrs and I have agreed to shut the door if any of our kids bring trouble to this house, i.e. they know they will have to find a different address.

 

Sure, easier said than done, but our household is fun, full of laughter, and good teachings, and if they want to be students causing trouble in this school, then they WILL be expelled, i.e. we raise them the best we can and provide the best we can for them, we DO NOT spoilt them and stand by each others commitment and words, after all, it is our lives, they are in it, but if they turn, so do we, amen

[sawadee1947]

If you are very rich to give them a splendid education in an international school (about a 100.000 Baht per month and also if you love her......then go for it. But if you don't have the money then better run away...... (there was a thread about this problem some days before) 

 

[4MyEgo]

12 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I understand what you are saying, but when a man marries a woman with her own children it's always a union of all, and not just the man and woman. There will not be a single day when the children do not impact the relationship in some way.

The OP has no obligation to take on another's children, so he has the opportunity to back off now, and from my experience, I advise him to do so. I made a huge mistake and my mission in life is to warn other men. NB I am WARNING, but they can make up their own mind.

 

I once got involved with a woman that had adult children, but when I found out that one of them was a gang banger I was out of there.

You got to do what you got to do, and as said in a later reply to a post, above, if they turn, they will have to find new addresses 

[thaibeachlovers]

10 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

if you have to accept teenagers like they are with maybe a problematic upbringing you can almost bet there will be trouble.

Agree 1 million %. 

I've been there, got the T shirt.

Ruined my relationship and ultimately led to me losing everything and starting over at 35.

[OneMoreFarang]

3 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Of course I realise that, but we could get run over by a bus if we don't look before crossing the road. We can only do what we can to minimise the chance of catastrophe, but nothing in life is guaranteed.

As long as the man and girl are never in a room with the door closed, the man refuses to be left alone in the house with her, and stays in a room with other people while in the house, the chances of false accusation are reduced significantly.

Is this really an issue in Thailand?

I know with the stupid MeToo in other countries it seems an accusation from a female is almost the same as a guilty verdict in some peoples' mind. But is this also the case in Thailand?

In normal family life it is normal that from time to time father and (step) daughter are alone at home and even in the same room. If the father has to be sure he doesn't even look TV alone with her in the same room if nobody else is in the house then something is seriously wrong.

[Just Weird]

On ‎3‎/‎15‎/‎2018 at 10:53 AM, MaeJoMTB said:

The boys are always a big problem, they know what you do with mum, and they don't like it.

Another nonsense generalisation.

[ChidlomDweller]

On 3/15/2018 at 10:53 AM, MaeJoMTB said:

Why marry?

Just do a village wedding.

 

The boys are always a big problem, they know what you do with mum, and they don't like it.

Reminds me of a good line in the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.  Main character to younger boy:  "If you hear noises coming from the bedroom... He's not hurting her."

[thaibeachlovers]

1 minute ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Is this really an issue in Thailand?

I know with the stupid MeToo in other countries it seems an accusation from a female is almost the same as a guilty verdict in some peoples' mind. But is this also the case in Thailand?

In normal family life it is normal that from time to time father and (step) daughter are alone at home and even in the same room. If the father has to be sure he doesn't even look TV alone with her in the same room if nobody else is in the house then something is seriously wrong.

Wouldn't have been a problem in the 80s in my country.

Wouldn't have been a problem in LOS 10 years ago.

Thailand is changing fast and becoming like the west. Kids all have mephones and connect to the internet. They see what is happening overseas and might try it here.

It might never happen, sure, but then why bother taking out health insurance- might never need that either.

It's recognising that something might happen and taking precautions.

I'd never be in a room watching tv with a Thai as I can't stand Thai tv. If I'm watching tv it's in the bedroom with my own tv, and a girl child should never be in that room alone with the stepfather. That would be asking for it.

[thaibeachlovers]

10 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

then something is seriously wrong.

Correct. Something has gone seriously wrong with society.

[Gecko123]

New culture, new country, new wife, new step kids, probably no Thai language skills, maybe retiring? So many unknowns.

 

Overall impression is that you are newbie clueless about the situation you are wading into. Play it by ear, but keep options open. Not saying: 'Run, Forrest, run', but definitely need to tap the brakes. Hard. Delay marriage after moving here for minimum two years, indefinitely, if you can swing it. Don't believe for a moment wife is under any social pressure to get married. That's a bunch of hoo-ey. She's older, already been married, and has had kids. She's under no social pressure to get married right away. Biggest fear I would have about the kids is son ends up vegetating at home (doesn't sound likely), or daughter gets knocked up and she, boyfriend, and new kid move in long-term, or single parent daughter dumps grandchild in your and her mother's lap. Wife's response "We'll talk about it" when asked about where kids will be living is weird. If it sounds evasive, that's because it is. Bottom line? Give yourself plenty of time to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.

[ChidlomDweller]

My thought: a relationship is already hard enough with 1 person.  With 3 ...

 

But life happens and good luck to you.  15 is still pretty young, but there's also another side of the coin that, with age, the kids realize it's also better for them if the mother is happy and not overly emotionally dependent on them.

[OneMoreFarang]

9 minutes ago, ChidlomDweller said:

On ‎15‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 10:53 AM, MaeJoMTB said:

Why marry?

Just do a village wedding.

 

The boys are always a big problem, they know what you do with mum, and they don't like it.

Reminds me of a good line in the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire.  Main character to younger boy:  "If you hear noises coming from the bedroom... He's not hurting her."

Your comment would be funny if it wouldn't be a problem in real life.

 

I remember a girl (in a western country) long ago. She told me her mother had a new boyfriend and they made a lot of noise which the daughter had to listen to. She told me she was really scared at that time and she won't forget that feeling.

 

 

[sanemax]

23 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

As someone that had a partner with 2 teenage kids ( when I left them ), unless they both live elsewhere, RUN.

My Thai wife didn't have her own kids, but her ratbag nephew decided to make our home his own, and never did anything to contribute, except leave a mess for us to clean up ( her when I refused to do so anymore ).

 

You will never have a life where it's just you and her.

You will always come after her own children .

Is that what you really want?

You will also come after her family, her friends, her friend's children, her countrymen, the pet hamster and the soi dogs, but that is normal for most farang husbands.

That maybe true for you, but that doesnt mean that it will be true for everyone else .

    If you always put other people first, they will always put you second .

If you allow people to walk all over you, walk all over you they will

If you act like a doormat, people will treat you like one

[thaibeachlovers]

5 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Your comment would be funny if it wouldn't be a problem in real life.

 

I remember a girl (in a western country) long ago. She told me her mother had a new boyfriend and they made a lot of noise which the daughter had to listen to. She told me she was really scared at that time and she won't forget that feeling.

 

 

That reminds me of the time I went to stay in an hotel and got woken by a woman screaming. I was seriously concerned that a female was being assaulted. Took me a minute or two to realise she was being assaulted, but not in a bad way. 

[Somtamnication]

No!

[scorecard]

11 hours ago, Rc2702 said:

So the kids will not live with you?

Have you met them? What are your initial impressions and how much do you know about them?

 

 

 

"Have you met them? What are your initial impressions and how much do you know about them?"

 

Sorry but I don't agree with the set opinions showing here on this subject. IMHO every such situation is unique.

 

In my outer Thai family there are many examples of this, some where the Thai husband has, years ago,  instantly made it very plain that he didn't want his new wife's kids anywhere near them. End result: one kid is in jail for selling drugs, but the other worked part-time to totally support himself through uni and has an MBA in English, he loves his mother and sees his mother often, alone, but never goes to the house where her new husband is located. He avoids the subject but It's clear he hates the new husband. This is a Thai version, not really any different where the husband is farang.

 

On the other hand we also have a farang in our outer circle, from day one, years back, he worked hard to slowly show the now wife's two kids (then around 8 and 10) that he respected them, cared, and he made sure they were included in every situation, he made food specifically for them. If they went to a Pizza restaurant he insisted that the kids order the food, and more.  At first they were terrified (and they had been conditioned by other family members, mostly a vicious old spinster aunt, that: farang are bad, farang are dangerous, farang are violent, farang want many mistresses, farang want to touch little kids, etc. The farang slowly got the kids to accept him and respect him. Today they are a happy balanced family, both kids in uni in Bkk, they come home often, step-dad always waiting for them at the bus station or airport (because he wants to).  

 

Back to the OP, how much time you spent with them? Have you tried to show them respect and kindness without strings?

 

 

[rumak]

First of all...anyone who needs to ask about relationship advice should DEFINITELY not get involved in a

"legal" (read:marriage) situation.   Live long enough and get enough experience to be able to give advice

on this forum   LOL    .  My experience is this:   there are many women who are nice at first and then in time

the true colors will show.  Kinda like small doses of poison.  At first you don't realize what is causing you to not feel good.  Of course many of the men coming here will never get what it is that is not making them feel good.   If you want to feel good,  find out what it is that YOU want from a relationship and stick to it !

Behind that beautiful smile and "up to you" attitude lies someone that will take the normal gullible man a

long time to figure out.  

[Straight8]

On 3/15/2018 at 2:53 PM, MaeJoMTB said:

Why marry?

Just do a village wedding.

 

The boys are always a big problem, they know what you do with mum, and they don't like it.

 

And they will want to be compensated with some toys and electrical gadgets (motor cy / latest iphone, would be a starting request)

 

As to why marry? Well its quite obvious. Marry me, pay sin sot and everything else that is involved in a Farang/Thai marriage, or its OVER!!!! - Fair enough, Thai ladies want some security, I get that!!!

 

Some do, some don't!!!