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Goodwill Jones

Farang and Thai woman with two teens. Marry?

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3 minutes ago, transam said:

I did much the same but no uni, the lad now has a job for life and he knows he only has that because of me. In fact he treats me as his dad and we get on great.

Mrs.Trans sister has no farang husband, a Thai, they have three children, all been to uni and have degree's..One sells second hand clothes in a market, one lays on the sofa all day being fed grapes and the third is a salesman..

My ex's 2 nephews were brought up by their widowed granny. One turned out to be a pleasant person, and the other a little <deleted>.

Far as I know both from same parents.

As it turned out, I had more dealings with the <deleted> than the nice one. I guess my marriage was cursed in more ways than one.

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Fortunately, I married a Thai lady (widow) with a boy and a girl who, by the time we connected, were grown: son in Japan married and working; daughter in Uni. Our prenup covered her daughter till she finished Uni ... which she did and then got a job with a relative, and moved on (4 hours away) but we remain very close. Treat's me better than my own daughters.

 

So I'm fortunate because the mother raised them to become independent decent people. But I've heard and read so many horror stories and know of several families with young men suffering from arrested development that I caution you to keep her at arm's length until you are more acquainted with the facts of these offspring. 

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On 15/03/2018 at 10:35 AM, OneMoreFarang said:

You must love her a lot to even think about marrying her under these conditions.

Sounds like expensive stress to me.

Good luck, you will need it.

When I married my Thai wife 11 years ago, I knew she had twin boys age 3 years old.

 

I had a 9 year old daughter in Australia.

 

She lived with me in Sydney for 9 years while the boys lived with their grandparents and we would visit for 2-3 months a year, she also had the choice to go for a month or two by herself if ever she wanted too, but never did. I also suggested the boys come to Sydney to live with us, however she said it would only confuse them as we planned to move to Thailand when I reached 55.

 

I would send 10,000 baht every month to her parents, she never asked for it, I suggested it, and she then said no more than 10,000 baht as that would feed the family and pay for school uniforms, books etc etc

 

We moved here as planned 2 and a half years ago and took the boys straight in with us as we built a new house while we were in Australia, and all went well with the build, as her sister would send us photos of every construction stage that I wanted and the materials were all paid for at the local hardware, top builder, very precise and fair in his costing to build it.

 

We have had two daughters together, 3 almost 4, and 8, the boys turn 14 next month.

 

From my experience I can say this, they look up to me as their father, they are very respectful, listen when I speak, they love their sisters and look out for them, they love their mum to death, they know the difference between right and wrong, they do not hang with the village gangs on motorbikes, drinking and doing drugs, they have the freedom to go and play soccer/basketball up the road or visit the internet cafe, but they have all the comforts here at home so they stay and enjoy and are turning out to be fine young men.

 

My wife has never asked anything from me for the boys, I gave her 300,000 baht at our wedding, i.e. it was a 500,000 baht Sin Sot, 200,000 baht was for mum and dad, the 300,000 was for the boys education, to date she has 235,000 baht remaining and knew the conditions from day one, i.e. not to be touched except for the boys education, school fees, books, uniforms etc etc

 

I do give her money after she buys the boys shoes or clothes, and she appreciates it but doesn't expect it, and she is proud, but knows when to allow me to contribute to things like play stations, and the like, she also appreciates me putting them in place when need be, and I can say this, she expects it, and they are easier to put in place than the girls, although I do treat them all equally and as my children.

 

I do not see it as an expensive stress and disagree with the poster needing luck.

 

It has to do with love and wanting to contribute to others less fortunate, i.e. give them a better education and a life that I never had, but all the kids know, they will only get a leg up, if they put the effort in and create the path they want to go down, no pressure from me.

 

As long as my Mrs loves me, stands by me and me her when it comes to the kids, keeps cooking and doing the bedroom romp 3-4 times a week, and affording my little trips away to put some numbers on the board, and maintain my support to the local waterholes, its no stress or expense that I cannot afford.

 

Life is short, I suppose you could say its selflessness in a way, but each to their own, I love this life and this wife, and the kids, stress in the mind of the beholder and you cannot take it with you, so enjoy it, and make use of it through the enjoyment of others as well as yourself, that's my kick in life among other things :post-4641-1156694572:

Having said all of the above, only invest as much as your prepared to lose, i.e. no more than 10% in my book of rules, and always have a plan B, (exit plan) if things don't turn out the way you want and cannot handle it any longer.

 

Good luck either way, as it really depends on the woman you have chosen in my opinion.

 

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10 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:
On ‎15‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 6:35 AM, OneMoreFarang said:

You must love her a lot to even think about marrying her under these conditions.

Sounds like expensive stress to me.

Good luck, you will need it.

When I married my Thai wife 11 years ago, I knew she had twin boys age 3 years old.

The OP tells us she has 13 and 15 year old teenager kids. Do you spot the difference?

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21 hours ago, Goodwill Jones said:

Gentleman, I would like to thank each and every one of you for the insight. It is much appreciated. It was at times very hard to raise two teen boys in the states, track and martial arts was a saving grace for me. (They were busy busy) Both are doing great. Thailand I have no clue?

Personally it all boils down to the woman your seeking to marry, here on TVF you will only get the disaster stories from a lot of old grumpy Humpty dumpy's which may confuse you.

 

Read, and analyse, but you cannot decide based on other xpats experiences, there are a hell of a lot of good Thai women out there and doing a good job raising their kids.

 

Sounds to me as if the kids will be old enough to stand on their own too feet soon.

 

It also depends what you lady wants from you, she might want you to not get involved, or you may not want to take on the "stress" others have suggested.

 

I think you should talk to your partner and discuss at length your role and her role and what is expected, once you have ironed that out, the rest should be straight forward in my opinion.

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22 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

 

If you do go ahead, make sure you're never in a position with the daughter where you could be compromised ie, never be in a room with just the 2 of you and the door closed. I'm sure I don't have to explain that.

 

18 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Because the guy will never win if accused by a girl/ woman.

Imagine if he falls out with the girl ( 13 and going through that very confusing period of life ) for some silly reason, and she accuses him of molesting her. He's done,

You realize that false recitations can be made even of the guy has never put himself in a closed room alone with the girl, right? In normal family's daily life there can be many scenarios which a lying kid can use to fabricate false excitations. 

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7 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Personally it all boils down to the woman your seeking to marry, here on TVF you will only get the disaster stories from a lot of old grumpy Humpty dumpy's which may confuse you.

 

Read, and analyse, but you cannot decide based on other xpats experiences, there are a hell of a lot of good Thai women out there and doing a good job raising their kids.

 

Sounds to me as if the kids will be old enough to stand on their own too feet soon.

 

It also depends what you lady wants from you, she might want you to not get involved, or you may not want to take on the "stress" others have suggested.

 

I think you should talk to your partner and discuss at length your role and her role and what is expected, once you have ironed that out, the rest should be straight forward in my opinion.

You might be right and maybe everything works perfectly fine.

 

But what do you do if you agree with the women that the teenagers are not your concern and maybe a year or two later they become your concern because lots of teenagers do crazy things. Do you tell "your wife" then that is her problem and you don't care?

I heard and saw enough horror stories from teenager from poor families or rich families and anything in between.

You can do your best to raise small children (like in your case 3 year old) but if you have to accept teenagers like they are with maybe a problematic upbringing you can almost bet there will be trouble.

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8 hours ago, Rc2702 said:

Half the battle if you have a good relationship with the lad but maybe you should try and delve deeper and figure out what the basis of you all living together is for. If that is the plan? I say this because some people just like to get one over on another. Parent clash etc. Why would you uproot the daughter if she fine with dad? Having never met her either it sounds a bit premature to be contemplating anything serious. Those steps need time and better understanding of the dynamics of the existing arrangements should not go ignored. Only needs 1 argument 1 loss of face 1 dislike for a kid to scream I don't want to live here. Kis with options will use options regardless of where thry are from.

Something else to consider.  I read a thread about a foreigner husband and thai wife being forced to pay for the sons misdeeds even though the son lived elsewhere with the parental father. You will be as the most able to pay alot. Whether he gets into trouble or impregnated a girl. The son or daughter will run to mommy and mom will of course be coercing you to agree by any means

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7 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Personally it all boils down to the woman your seeking to marry, here on TVF you will only get the disaster stories from a lot of old grumpy Humpty dumpy's which may confuse you.

 

Read, and analyse, but you cannot decide based on other xpats experiences, there are a hell of a lot of good Thai women out there and doing a good job raising their kids.

 

Sounds to me as if the kids will be old enough to stand on their own too feet soon.

 

It also depends what you lady wants from you, she might want you to not get involved, or you may not want to take on the "stress" others have suggested.

 

I think you should talk to your partner and discuss at length your role and her role and what is expected, once you have ironed that out, the rest should be straight forward in my opinion.

I understand what you are saying, but when a man marries a woman with her own children it's always a union of all, and not just the man and woman. There will not be a single day when the children do not impact the relationship in some way.

The OP has no obligation to take on another's children, so he has the opportunity to back off now, and from my experience, I advise him to do so. I made a huge mistake and my mission in life is to warn other men. NB I am WARNING, but they can make up their own mind.

 

I once got involved with a woman that had adult children, but when I found out that one of them was a gang banger I was out of there.

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18 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

The OP tells us she has 13 and 15 year old teenager kids. Do you spot the difference?

Yes, the tree has already taken shape, i.e. harder to bend, but in all fairness, he has to meet them and see their personalities and if he likes what he see's all and good, otherwise some boundaries would have to be laid, i.e. his role/responsibility's, she might not even want him to be involved ?

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11 minutes ago, LukKrueng said:

 

You realize that false recitations can be made even of the guy has never put himself in a closed room alone with the girl, right? In normal family's daily life there can be many scenarios which a lying kid can use to fabricate false excitations. 

Of course I realise that, but we could get run over by a bus if we don't look before crossing the road. We can only do what we can to minimise the chance of catastrophe, but nothing in life is guaranteed.

As long as the man and girl are never in a room with the door closed, the man refuses to be left alone in the house with her, and stays in a room with other people while in the house, the chances of false accusation are reduced significantly.

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2 minutes ago, thesetat2013 said:

Something else to consider.  I read a thread about a foreigner husband and thai wife being forced to pay for the sons misdeeds even though the son lived elsewhere with the parental father. You will be as the most able to pay alot. Whether he gets into trouble or impregnated a girl. The son or daughter will run to mommy and mom will of course be coercing you to agree by any means

Don't worry about the son impregnating a girl. They never pay and as far as I know they are also not legally obliged to pay (in Thailand).

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8 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

You might be right and maybe everything works perfectly fine.

 

But what do you do if you agree with the women that the teenagers are not your concern and maybe a year or two later they become your concern because lots of teenagers do crazy things. Do you tell "your wife" then that is her problem and you don't care?

I heard and saw enough horror stories from teenager from poor families or rich families and anything in between.

You can do your best to raise small children (like in your case 3 year old) but if you have to accept teenagers like they are with maybe a problematic upbringing you can almost bet there will be trouble.

I agree with what you are saying.

 

Both the Mrs and I have agreed to shut the door if any of our kids bring trouble to this house, i.e. they know they will have to find a different address.

 

Sure, easier said than done, but our household is fun, full of laughter, and good teachings, and if they want to be students causing trouble in this school, then they WILL be expelled, i.e. we raise them the best we can and provide the best we can for them, we DO NOT spoilt them and stand by each others commitment and words, after all, it is our lives, they are in it, but if they turn, so do we, amen

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If you are very rich to give them a splendid education in an international school (about a 100.000 Baht per month and also if you love her......then go for it. But if you don't have the money then better run away...... (there was a thread about this problem some days before) 

 

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12 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I understand what you are saying, but when a man marries a woman with her own children it's always a union of all, and not just the man and woman. There will not be a single day when the children do not impact the relationship in some way.

The OP has no obligation to take on another's children, so he has the opportunity to back off now, and from my experience, I advise him to do so. I made a huge mistake and my mission in life is to warn other men. NB I am WARNING, but they can make up their own mind.

 

I once got involved with a woman that had adult children, but when I found out that one of them was a gang banger I was out of there.

You got to do what you got to do, and as said in a later reply to a post, above, if they turn, they will have to find new addresses :sorry:

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