Educated Western Guy Settling With Minimally Educated Thai Girl: Can It Ever Work?

[faraday]

Ok Somtamlao, my opinion.

 

You're not sure what love is anymore, & it looks like you're seeing your current relationship as some kind of business venture.

 

If you don't have that 'spark' with her, that love which binds people together, and you're concerned about the "intellectual difference', then, if it was me, I would not consider the relationship to be long term.

 

 

 

[somtamlao]

4 minutes ago, faraday said:

Ok Somtamlao, my opinion.

 

You're not sure what love is anymore, & it looks like you're seeing your current relationship as some kind of business venture.

 

If you don't have that 'spark' with her, that love which binds people together, and you're concerned about the "intellectual difference', then, if it was me, I would not consider the relationship to be long term.

 

 

 

Thanks for expressing your honesty in a fair way. 

[theguyfromanotherforum]

1 minute ago, somtamlao said:

Right, you are continuing to insult after a perfectly reasonable post. My guess is you are another virtue signaller who hates showing empathy or understanding for a situation and loves to merely insult randomers on the internet.

 

A suggestion for future posts: if you're not going to bother your lazy arse reading it properly without making assumptions, don't bother commenting. Anyway, have a good day. 

 

First of all, thank you for teaching me a new expression.

 

Well, I am showing empathy towards the girl, not you, sorry.

 

Yes, the relationship is not going to work, but it is because of you. Thai women are simply not into deep discussions regarding Farang issues and this typically includes women from all social classes in Thailand. There are some Thai Visa posters that claim otherwise and I have no reason not to believe them, but they are in extreme minority. If your opening post was about your gf being lazy and poor I would say bro get the hell out. But she is apparently not. This is simply about you and your feelings. I am sorry, but nobody in Thailand cares about your feelings especially not some girl who grew up in poverty. If this bothers you, I strongly suggest you go back where you came from and find a woman from your own country. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[somtamlao]

1 minute ago, theguyfromanotherforum said:

 

First of all, thank you for teaching me a new expression.

 

Well, I am showing empathy towards the girl, not you, sorry.

 

Yes, the relationship is not going to work, but it is because of you. Thai women are simply not into deep discussions regarding Farang issues and this typically includes women from all social classes in Thailand. There are some Thai Visa posters that claim otherwise and I have no reason not to believe them, but they are in extreme minority. If your opening post was about your gf being lazy and poor I would say bro get the hell out. But she is apparently not. This is simply about you and your feelings. I am sorry, but nobody in Thailand cares about your feelings especially not some girl who grew up in poverty. If this bothers you, I strongly suggest you go back where you came from and find a woman from your own country. 

1

 

 

1 minute ago, theguyfromanotherforum said:

That was a fairer post. Thanks for your input anyway. And you are right: this is all about me and my feelings, I fully agree. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Katia]

Frankly, from your OP your only doubt seems to be that you don't feel you're equally matched intellectually and that you worry about the future.  I don't see you talking about too many problems now, or like this intellectual-disconnect thing bothers you only as a symptom of you being unhappy otherwise.  Yes, anything could change in future to make you unhappy in a relationship, but if you keep thinking about "what-ifs" that aren't based on any red flags, you're going to be alone for a very long time.

 

Look, in my relationship we're both considered relatively intelligent people.  A lot of our conversations are about silly and pointless things... but we're both laughing, and we *can* be silly with each other.  The other thing is that we're not necessarily intellectual about the same things, which means it's not like we have intense late-night existential discussions much of the time either.  I send him interesting articles on science and astronomy and it's "oh yes, dear, that's interesting."  He goes on about low-profile political or economic issues and my eyes glaze over.  I write music and he's all "okay whatever" about it.  He's tried to bring up topics before and is clearly expecting me to lead the conversation but isn't clear about exactly what aspects of the issue he wants to discuss so it fizzles.  If we decided we would take some sort of college course together for the sake of learning it would take some discussion and compromise to choose one we'd both be interested in.  We probably both have other friends, of both sexes, with whom we can have a better conversation about some subjects than we can with each other.  We get along okay anyway; we agree on a lot of things and enjoy doing a lot of the same things and have many of the same values, and we just like being together and having fun together.  IOW-- being an intellectual match can be important, but it's not the end of the world if you aren't, especially if other things are there. 

 

One thing I've learned in the 2-3 serious relationships I've had is that you'll never find that person who's absolutely perfect for you.  Some things about guys I've been with have had me saying "YES, KEEPER!" and others have had me thinking "gosh, if only that was different..."  And that's in terms both of personality traits he has, and of personality-compatibility things we have or haven't had.  From what you've said in your OP, she sounds like a lovely lady whom you're quite fond of, and I'm not going to tell you there aren't other lovely ladies out there and that's the reason to hang onto this one (although heaven knows you might find one who's a Mensa member but drives you insane in some other way), but I also don't see anything from what you said that tells me you should drop this one.

 

As far as love... the butterflies go away.  That warm sense of belonging you describe is usually what is left (hopefully).  I'd far rather be with someone who makes me feel comfortable and natural than one who has my adrenaline up all the time.  The best relationships I've had haven't been super-exciting... they've just been with good men who make me feel okay about the idea of being with them for a long time.  Do you look forward to seeing her and miss her when you're apart?  If you think about being with her long-term, can you imagine doing anything else (your random worries about what might change in future aside)?  If the answers are "yes" and "no," respectively, that sounds pretty close to love to me.

 

However.  As another person who has issues with self-confidence and the like, I'll tell you that aside from this relationship situation, it would be in your best interest to try to take care of that.  It will only poison your relationships-- even if you maintain a smooth front to her and other people and it's only because of the doubt in your mind torturing you silently.  If you can find someone to talk to-- a good therapist who can help you get through your issues, and perhaps a patient and trusty group of friends who can give you advice from the outside on whether things you think or worry about are actually things you ought to be thinking or worrying about, it will help you immensely.

[jimster]

1 hour ago, TallGuyJohninBKK said:

I think it depends on what you feel you'll need in the future, and what things are more/most important to you.

 

I think most guys are are unlikely to end up with any Thai woman who's particularly intellectual in the western kind of way. Interest in politics, world affairs, philosophical debates, etc etc?  I think, generally not. Interest in cooking, food, clothes-fashion, Thai TV and soap operas, most likely YES! 

 

Now, that might sound bad... But, what if that same person also was kind, good-hearted, honest, pleasant demeanor, family oriented, affectionate, maybe not book smart but Thailand life smart?  That might help even out the equation some. Of course, not all Thai women have those qualities. But if you can find one that does, can you get by with that and let the other things go?

 

BTW, I wouldn't be overly concerned about the massage parlor stint. Depending on what city she worked in in that trade, a lot of the business might be hand or mouth oriented, as opposed to the full-on kind of stuff. So, there's at least that to consider. Plus, she may well have honed her skills during that employment.

 

    

 

 

You make some good points, but men and women are different (despite what the liberal western media would have you believe). Seriously, how many western women prefer talking about politics and world affairs as opposed to what happened on the Bold and the Beautiful, posting baby pics on Facebook and talking about cooking and general gossip with their girlfriends?

 

If you want to talk about politics as a male westerner, you're likely to find a good conversation partner in other westerners and sometimes Thai men. But not women, irrespective of nationality.

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

19 minutes ago, jimster said:

 Seriously, how many western women prefer talking about politics and world affairs as opposed to what happened on the Bold and the Beautiful, posting baby pics on Facebook and talking about cooking and general gossip with their girlfriends?
 

 

Regarding women in the West, I think it depends on what circles you operate in. I existed in political and public affairs circles, and the professional women I knew socially during that period were all about their work and political, public affairs issues -- and none were following the Bold and the Beautiful. YMMV.

 

[Katia]

5 minutes ago, TallGuyJohninBKK said:

 

Regarding women in the West, I think it depends on what circles you operate in. I existed in political and public affairs circles, and the professional women I knew socially during that period were all about their work and political, public affairs issues -- and none were following the Bold and the Beautiful. YMMV.

 

I'm not that big into political affairs, but I'd still rather talk about that all day instead of that other stuff.  (Except maybe cooking, depending on what the discussion is.  Good food is for everybody.)  I'm sure that in my former job, at some work parties some people would be annoyed that I would be hanging around the "shop" discussions with my male coworkers rather than discussing babies with their wives.

[thaiguzzi]

Sounds like a proper girl.

Marry her.

[brewsterbudgen]

You'll only know for sure if you give it a go. Don't over-analyze it. I met my now wife when she was 19 and I was 49, in a bar. She left school (in Laos) at 14 and her English wasn't great. After 4 years of getting to know her as a "regular", things slowly became more serious and eventually she got pregnant. After our son was born, we married in the UK, and now live in Bangkok with our 3 year old. Her English has improved considerably and while there is still, and always will be, a huge cultural gap in our interests, we have a shared interest in our son. I couldn't be happier.

See how things develop with your girl. You'll soon know if it isn't working.

Sent from my SM-A500F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[marko kok prong]

18 hours ago, Tacuisse said:

The intellectual compatibility issue is only an issue if you make it one. Bear in mind your GF may be street-smart in Thai ways at a level you cannot hope to achieve.

If she is good in bed, a good cook and not lazy that is a lot better than can be achieved with many Western women. The hell with conversation.

 

Yeah if you want to talk about things you may as well buy a cat.

[stevenl]

It's simply a matter of balance. Some things for her, some things for a western girl, some things for a girl with more education.

 

I was in more or less the same situation as you, as have quite a few others, and married the girl. Some regrets, but in general I'm happy with the decision I made. And I'm sure others regret their decision.

 

If the balance for you swings in her favour, go for it, if it doesn't, don't do it.

[Panda13]

19 hours ago, somtamlao said:

 

You already know your answer.

You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

[sidjameson]

Op, I'm from a similar working class background, similarly educated and with similar psychological issues.

In my younger days I didn't know how to love, I couldn't feel comfortable with people so my refuge, like a lot of westerners was in "thinking." Always asking why and usually coming up with a reasonable answer.

I've spent 25 years in Asia and experienced this type of situation many times. Blown away by their emotional simplicity, overwhelmed by their loving kindness. If only we could talk more. 

The relationships have worked better when I have had friends and not tried to turn my girlfriend into my best male buddy too.

[pgrahmm]

Well - she's been doing just fine for over 3 years and your family gets on/likes her....

I'd say she's passed the test(s)....Including time.....

 

Now, it's up to you .....her age difference & maturity might be just right for both of you....

[Justfine]

A lot of "educated" people are nitwits. I know people who dropped out of school that are far more intelligent than nerds with masters degrees.

[Justfine]

20 hours ago, Chainsaw said:

You say there are communication difficulties? Why not put your superior intellect to some use and learn Thai? Problem solved!

 

Exactly. Smart people speak multiple languages.

[transam]

If you feel a ploblem because you think you are better than the lass because you can add up better than her then you really should find a bird in LOS on your same level, or a bird in your own country where explaining stuff maybe easier.....

[CanuckThai]

Focus on common interests that you share.  Build and add as a team or partners.  If intellectual and simulating communication is a priority, a fluent english speaking, well educated partner is your target.  If cultural stimulation, new languages and experiencing a world in a different light is intriguing, you've found it. 

 

Interpreting what one sees in the mirror,  with all that life has to offer ahead of them, can sometimes be clarified by your lover by your side, smiling, reaching and wiping  away the steam.

[jimster]

20 hours ago, TallGuyJohninBKK said:

 

Regarding women in the West, I think it depends on what circles you operate in. I existed in political and public affairs circles, and the professional women I knew socially during that period were all about their work and political, public affairs issues -- and none were following the Bold and the Beautiful. YMMV. 

  

Well the same can be said for Thai women. Thai women who associate with the upper classes (usually upper class themselves) and have lived abroad and happen to be the wives of ambassadors and politicians will be much the same.

 

Western women are in general not all that different from Thai women or women anywhere else in terms of their interests. Overall, unless they operate in political and public affairs, they will prefer gossip and soap operas over politics. Show me a young 20 something year old western woman who prefers posting about politics rather than partying and getting drunk or if they are a bit more sane about food, celebrity gossip, babies and healthy living. Slightly older western women (30s and 40s) will be posting more about the latter than the former (partying etc.) of course.

[Katia]

3 hours ago, jimster said:

Well the same can be said for Thai women. Thai women who associate with the upper classes (usually upper class themselves) and have lived abroad and happen to be the wives of ambassadors and politicians will be much the same.

 

Western women are in general not all that different from Thai women or women anywhere else in terms of their interests. Overall, unless they operate in political and public affairs, they will prefer gossip and soap operas over politics. Show me a young 20 something year old western woman who prefers posting about politics rather than partying and getting drunk or if they are a bit more sane about food, celebrity gossip, babies and healthy living. Slightly older western women (30s and 40s) will be posting more about the latter than the former (partying etc.) of course.

Show me a Western man who prefers posting about politics rather than work, football, drinking, working in the yard, what their kids did yesterday, that chick at the bar, Game of Thrones, gossiping about friends and coworkers (OH YES men do it plenty), etc.??  I've seen precious little of that. 

[Rc2702]

Strange post.

 

3 years in and having doubts about future compatibility. 

 

If you are having these doubts only now, maybe your looking for an out but having trouble justifying the reason.

 

After 3 years with my little lady I have seen her 10% verbal English skills increase to over 60% but I asked for a lot of changes and her crappy 12k a year job was one of them. Moving to a neutral spot was also another. Crappy TV soaps went in year 1. Was super easy. Showed her the rubbish equivalent in uk and explained the target audiences of this dumbed down rubbish. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mokwit]

The advice I received 20+ yrs ago within days of arriving from an old hand.

 

"If you want you can spend 3 years of your life trying to work through the issues but at the end of those three years she will be exactly the same and you will have wasted 3 years of your life."

 

 

 

 

[jumbo]

I would absolutely be thrilled not be challenged in my home environment, not to have these lengthy conversations that will never conclude because one of the partners feels the need to be told he or she is right.

I see trying to explain my partner something complicated while overcoming the language barrier a challenge which I fully accept as I do love to see her overcome the same issues when trying to explain me something I need to know. We both learn from this... we are both for the better of it and we both enjoy it when the other finally gets the point. Learning never stops.....being taught often does...acceptance that we are from a different world and respecting that is a part of the relationship..

Its her country, the countries habits and culture, who am I to think the people of the country should change more towards me or be 'more intelligent'

 

 

[SCOTT FITZGERSLD]

Son (may i call you son? cause i'm a real troll), education is not the number of years you studied or 

the degrees you hold. education is something else.

look at donald trump. he never read books and his wife was a nude model and they

get alone just fine.

I know some well educated foreigners who married not so educated thai woman and  are

still happy after all those years, but what's common to all the success stories is that

they were focused around their work and business, and not

each other.

To put It in other words, the more time you will spend with your thai partner, the less chance

you have to survive together. and the more time you / she will spend in work, and work you like - the better

your relationships will be.

 

ohh and one more thing - make sure your woman is a real woman, or in other words, not a ladyboy.

[Berkshire]

To the OP, I'd say about 99% of the time, these "communication problems" between farang/Thai have NOTHING to do with education, shared interest, or even culture.  It's simply the language problem.  If you're not fluent in her language and/or she's not fluent in yours, you will have communication problems. 

 

I will say that back in the USA, we have many, many couples who speak the same language, are roughly the same ages, same level of education, shared culture/values/beliefs, etc., etc., and still end up divorcing.  So what does that tell you? 

[SCOTT FITZGERSLD]

11 hours ago, Berkshire said:

To the OP, I'd say about 99% of the time, these "communication problems" between farang/Thai have NOTHING to do with education, shared interest, or even culture.  It's simply the language problem.  If you're not fluent in her language and/or she's not fluent in yours, you will have communication problems. 

 

I will say that back in the USA, we have many, many couples who speak the same language, are roughly the same ages, same level of education, shared culture/values/beliefs, etc., etc., and still end up divorcing.  So what does that tell you? 

i respectfully disaggree. i think that in thailand there is a serious communication problems which origin from 

different ways of thinking. foreigners, especially americans, don't even start to realise where they at when

dealing with a thai girlfriend, and when they do, it is too late.

 

for example, i went one day to visit a friend of mine who won a restaurant . he showed me a couple, thai young woman and american man, who were sitting and talking for hours, and asked me what do i think of them.

i told him they look fine together, and seem to have great conversation. the girl was smiling and noding in all the right places, and the man was taklking and loughting and talking.

my frientold me yes, they look like that, only problem is, that the thai woman , who is working for me as a waitress, can't speak english !! you see, some of those thai young woman can sit in front of you for years, listening

to all you have to say, without understanding even one single word, and you will not notice cause you are so busy with...what you have to say !!!

[Berkshire]

2 minutes ago, SCOTT FITZGERSLD said:

i respectfully disaggree. i think that in thailand there is a serious communication problems which origin from 

different ways of thinking. foreigners, especially americans, don't even start to realise where they at when

dealing with a thai girlfriend, and when they do, it is too late.

 

for example, i went one day to visit a friend of mine who won a restaurant . he showed me a couple, thai young woman and american man, who were sitting and talking for hours, and asked me what do i think of them.

i told him they look fine together, and seem to have great conversation. the girl was smiling and noding in all the right places, and the man was taklking and loughting and talking.

my frientold me yes, they look like that, only problem is, that the thai woman , who is working for me as a waitress, can't speak english !! you see, some of those thai young woman can sit in front of you for years, listening

to all you have to say, without understanding even one single word, and you will not notice cause you are so busy with...what you have to say !!!

Hmmm, if I understand you correctly, you first disagreed and then went on to confirm exactly my point.  Yes, there are some cultural differences, but if you can't even get beyond the basics (i.e., can't understand each other's language), then nothing else really matters.

[Tacuisse]

1 hour ago, SCOTT FITZGERSLD said:

Son (may i call you son? cause i'm a real troll), education is not the number of years you studied or 

the degrees you hold. education is something else.

look at donald trump. he never read books and his wife was a nude model and they

get alone just fine.

I know some well educated foreigners who married not so educated thai woman and  are

still happy after all those years, but what's common to all the success stories is that

they were focused around their work and business, and not

each other.

To put It in other words, the more time you will spend with your thai partner, the less chance

you have to survive together. and the more time you / she will spend in work, and work you like - the better

your relationships will be.

 

ohh and one more thing - make sure your woman is a real woman, or in other words, not a ladyboy.

Donald Trump is successful because he is one of the best liars in the world. He needs constant adulation. Whether that success will continue, or it will all come crashing down, is another question.

I think the words you are looking for are wisdom and experience. Education is only the starting point for those attributes.

[OneMoreFarang]

You don't have to talk intellectually with each other as long as you have other people you can talk to about rocket science or whatever you want to talk about. And at the same time she needs other people to talk with (daily) i.e. about soap operas, lottery numbers, ghosts, the newest celebrity gossip, etc. In Thailand she will probably get that conversation (even with the hair dresser, when she buys food, etc.) If she would be without Thais in "your" country that would probably be a long term problem. Because she won't be happy without talk like that.

 

If you want to live with her and maybe have kids ask yourself if she will be able to speak with officials, teachers, insurance company, things like that. Many not so educated people have problems if they communicate with officials. That might be difficult in your home country. But is also might be difficult in Thailand if "want to be hiso" officials treat her like the uneducated buffalo from up country (it happens often).

 

How will you as a pair make money in the future? It seems like she will contribute little or nothing to the family income. Can you handle that for the rest of your lives? How about health insurance for her, etc.?

 

Who takes care of your and her aging parents?

 

I hope at least some of above will help you a little.