November Rain Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Does anyone have any funny, deep, profound or just plain weird quotes they want to share? To start us off, here are a few from that deep thinker and all-round-hunk-of-a-guy, Homer Simpson: Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman I'm now going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and won't be back for ten minutes Now I want to share something with you: the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me, buddy. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. If something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing. and the all time number one: When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle; they're on TV! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Austhaied Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 * "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." * "Imagination is more important than knowledge." * "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." * "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details." * "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." * "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." * "The only real valuable thing is intuition." * "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." * "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." * "God is subtle but he is not malicious." * "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." * "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." * "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility." * "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." * "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind." * "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." * "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." * "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." * "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." * "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." * "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." * "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." * "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically." * "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking." * "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." * "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding." * "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." * "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." * "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." * "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." * "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater." * "Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity." * "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." * "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." * "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." * "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." * "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." * "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep." * "The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." * "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." * "Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" * "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" * "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." * "Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever." * "The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker." * "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." * "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." * "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death." * "The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge." * "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." * "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." * "One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year." * "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought." * "He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder." * "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." * "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumnien Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 (edited) "It wasn't a real coup d'etat, it was just a military intervention." by General S. Edited February 16, 2007 by mdeland Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helicoptor Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 "Last night I had a dream I was awake - when I woke up I was asleep" I heard this somewhere when I was a kid - don't know the origin - maybe a comedian said it in a film or on TV or something - I still use it as it makes me giggle at least Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Austhaied Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Success is sweet, but requires sweat.. Very apt for Thailand.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilHarries Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Life is like a toilet roll, the nearer the end you get the faster it goes. Somehow don't work for Thailand, least not most of the toilet rolls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buriramboy Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Don't do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helicoptor Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Life is akin to a pubic hair on a toilet seat... eventually your'e gonna get pi**ed off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farangsay Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 If at first you don't succeed , give up. If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs you haven't realised the extent of the problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpuiman Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 "Sleeping with a fat girl is like riding a moped, it feels good until your friends find out" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davidjtayler Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 If in doubt ... drink ! The toilet is a very, very lonely place (the morning after a chicken phaal). In my defence your honour I thought that he was a she until the point of entry. I don't know what it is but I'm going to shag it anyway (2 dogs talking about a shetland pony). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davidjtayler Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 If it looks like poo, smells like poo and tastes like poo then it is poo ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucifer Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 May work in Thailand... How many legs does a dog have, if you call it's tail a leg? (usual ans. five) No, four. It really doesn't matter what you call it's tail. A dog only has four legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Don't do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Additional. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Black Duck Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 (edited) "William the Concreter" I Came, I Saw, I Concreated !!!! Mayor of Hiroshima after the A.Bomb.... What the Fruck Was That??? Edited February 16, 2007 by Little Black Duck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farangsay Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 "William the Concreter"I Came, I Saw, I Concreated !!!! Mayor of Hiroshima after the A.Bomb.... What the Fruck Was That??? First quote - anybody who was educated by guys wearing black frocks knows that was Ceasar Julius. You are an ignorant duck. Second quote - you are a sick duck PS Computer problem - every time I hit F it puts a D on the screen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mantosh Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 life is not a straight line.................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldcrush Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Some girls are bigger than others, some girls mothers are bigger than other girls mothers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chang_paarp Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Life is what happens while you are making other plans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juzrelax Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 A Sign 'Family Planning - Use entrance in rear' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juzrelax Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. Man which lives in glass house, should get dressed in basement. Baseball all wrong, man with 4 balls can't walk. Man which fight with wife in day, get no piece at night. - Confusious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Austhaied Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright (1876 - 1944) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai-Spy Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. - Napoleon Bonaparte Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFD Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent - Isaac Asimov BFD! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Do not examine the limitations of others,examine how you can change your own. Dakini Teachings 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinom Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get. ..... Homer Simpson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mantosh Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 There is really nothing you must be. And there is nothing you must do. There is really nothing you must have. And there is nothing you must know. However it helps to understand that fire burns, and when it rains, the earth gets wet. EVERYTHING HAS CONSEQUENCES. Japenese Zen scroll Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldcrush Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I will do it tomorrow....mañana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollie Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimmyTheMook Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 "You're only as healthy as you feel." Travis Bickle ( Bobby D , Taxi Driver 1976) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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