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warfie, June 5, 2009 in Jokes - puzzles and riddles - make my day!
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
After suffering depression for a long while, me and my wife decided to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, once she had killed herself I felt a lot better, so I thought... soldier on…
Guy walks into a pharmacy and says "can I have some viagra please?" Cashier says " I need some medical proof that you need it ". Guy says " will a photo of the missus do?
Sophia, a beautiful young lady in her mid-twenties, went on three dates: one with an acupuncturist, one with a massage therapist, and one with a chiropractor.
Afterwards, she told her girlfriends how each date went.
My first date was with the acupuncturist. That ended right away because he was such a prick, needless to say.
My second date was with the massage therapist, and he talked about marriage right away. He was applying too much pressure on me, and I can’t handle that touchy subject right now.
My last date was the chiropractor. He was perfect. I like him because he is so well-adjusted. He has a spine, standing up for himself. And best of all, he’s funny – he cracks me up.
An 15-year-old boy says to his father, "Dad, I keep getting these terrible sexual urges, what can I do about it?"
"I think you'd better go and see my friend Bob, he's a sex therapist, I'm sure he'll be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening."
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there's no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by Bob's wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on urgent business.
"Can I help at all?" she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the treatment is going.
"It's great now, dad," smiles the boy.
"The therapist's wife has got more brains between her legs than he has in his head."
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, "Dad, dad, the bull's f**king the cow."
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, "Next time, son, be a little less explicit.
You should have said.
"The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes from associating with riff-raff."
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
"Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows."
"Well done, son, you've remembered what I told you, but you should have said the bull is surprising the cow ... it can only surprise one cow at a time, you know."
"But he can, dad," insists the boy "He's surprising the f**king horse."
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
16 hours ago, chickenslegs said:
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train
They were actually three Jewish Scotsmen who brought up in Yorkshire who did the deed.
How to Speak about Men and Be Politically Correct:
1. He Does Not Have a "Beer Gut" - He Has Developed a "Long Term Liquid Grain Storage Facility."
2. He Is Not a "Bad Dancer" - He Is "Overly Caucasian Subjected to uncontrollable erratic movements."
3. He Does Not "Get Lost All the Time" - He "Investigates Alternative Destinations via Telepathic and Non Reading or Verbal Methodology."
4. He Is Not "Balding" - He Is in "Follicle Regression With a Shiny Exterior."
5. He Is Not a "Cradle Robber" - He Prefers "Non Orthodoxia Generational Differential Relationships."
6. He Does Not Get "Falling-down Drunk" - He Becomes "Accidentally Liquidly Induced Horizontally Focused."
7. He Does Not Act like a "Total Ass" - He Develops a Case of "Rectal-cranial equine Inversion."
8. He Is Not a "Male Chauvinist Pig" - He Has "Non Judgmental Swine Empathy."
9. He Is Not Afraid of "Commitment" - He Is "Relationship Challenged with a Wide Ranging Social Entourage."
10. He Is Not "Horny" - He Is "Overly Sexually Focused."
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