Worst Joke Ever 2019

[scottiejohn 8,103]

Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store.
 “I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner.

“But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me one at a time?”
 “Throw them?

Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked.

 

 Mike replied, “So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!”  

[scottiejohn 8,103]

[scottiejohn 8,103]

 A recent computer science graduate starts his new job at a giant computer company.

He’s shocked when the manager tells him that his first job will be to sweep the floor.

He protests, “But I can’t do that, I’m a graduate of the Super-Duper-High-Tech Institute of Technology!”

The manager pauses and thinks for a second.

 

“Well,” she says, “then your first task will be to learn how to use a broom!”  

 

[scottiejohn 8,103]

Quote

 

[kickstart 2,513]

A madman escapes from the local asylum,  finds his way into town, and goes into a laundrette, they was  a woman wearing a short skirt filling a washing machine, so he had his way with her when he was done, he runs out of the laundrette.

The following day local newspapers headline "Nut screws washer and bolts".

[chickenslegs 13,434]

[scottiejohn 8,103]

10 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Are you taking the P ?

[scottiejohn 8,103]

What is worn under a Scotsman's kilt?

Nothing.

As everything is in perfect working order!

 

 

Merry Christmas to one and all!

[chickenslegs 13,434]

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

 

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of Scotch whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.

 

The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.

 

The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

 

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

 

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.

 

The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.

 

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

 

 

[chickenslegs 13,434]

A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land. They were lined up against a wall in front of a firing squad. The leader of the captors said, 'We're going to shoot you all in turn.  But first, you each can make a final wish.'

 

The Scotsman responds, 'I'd like to hear "Scotland the Brave" played by the massed bagpipes of the Gordon Highlanders just one more time to remind me of the auld country.

 

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the green hills of home, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell.

 

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the valleys, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

 

The Englishman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

 

[chickenslegs 13,434]

Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to hospital for heart surgery but, as he had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. The call went out for help. Finally a Scotsman, Wullie MacCallum was located who had a similar blood type.

 

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Wullie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Mercedes Benz, diamonds and 100,000 US dollars.

 

A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. Wullie MacCallum was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

 

He phoned the Arab and asked him, 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a Benz, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.'

 

To this the Arab replied, 'Aye Wullie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.'

 

(with apologies to Oor Wullie and Scotsmen everywhere)

 

[Andrew Dwyer 14,403]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were exploring in the rainforest when they were captured by a tribe of Indians.

 

They were taken to the Indian chief who said them “ your skin very strong, make good canoe , but I give you one final wish “

 

The Scotsman said “ a case of Scottish Whisky “ and disappeared into a tent to drink.

 

The Englishman said “3 young Indian girls “ and disappeared into a tent to enjoy.

 

The Irishman said “ a fork “ and after receiving it stabbed himself all over his body saying “ if you think you’re gonna make a bloody canoe out of me ..................”

 

[chickenslegs 13,434]

An Englishman went to Spain to tour the country and learn Spanish.

 

He hired a Spanish guide to accompany him. The guide was told to speak only in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

 

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

 

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'

 

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'

 

The Englishman looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.

 

[chickenslegs 13,434]

Two English men, Peter and John, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our English accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

[chickenslegs 13,434]

'Oh, doctor', he said, 'my wife thinks she's a chicken'. The doctor gasped, 'That's terrible. How long has she been like that?'

 

The husband replied, 'Three years'. The doctor was horrified, 'Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?'

 

The husband said sheepishly, 'Because we needed the eggs.'