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Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store.
 “I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner.

“But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me one at a time?”
 “Throw them?

Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked.

 

 Mike replied, “So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!”  

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 A recent computer science graduate starts his new job at a giant computer company.

He’s shocked when the manager tells him that his first job will be to sweep the floor.

He protests, “But I can’t do that, I’m a graduate of the Super-Duper-High-Tech Institute of Technology!”

The manager pauses and thinks for a second.

 

“Well,” she says, “then your first task will be to learn how to use a broom!”  

 

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A madman escapes from the local asylum,  finds his way into town, and goes into a laundrette, they was  a woman wearing a short skirt filling a washing machine, so he had his way with her when he was done, he runs out of the laundrette.

The following day local newspapers headline "Nut screws washer and bolts".

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What is worn under a Scotsman's kilt?

Nothing.

As everything is in perfect working order!

 

 

Merry Christmas to one and all!

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were exploring in the rainforest when they were captured by a tribe of Indians.

 

They were taken to the Indian chief who said them “ your skin very strong, make good canoe , but I give you one final wish “

 

The Scotsman said “ a case of Scottish Whisky “ and disappeared into a tent to drink.

 

The Englishman said “3 young Indian girls “ and disappeared into a tent to enjoy.

 

The Irishman said “ a fork “ and after receiving it stabbed himself all over his body saying “ if you think you’re gonna make a bloody canoe out of me ..................”

 

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An Englishman went to Spain to tour the country and learn Spanish.

 

He hired a Spanish guide to accompany him. The guide was told to speak only in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

 

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

 

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'

 

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'

 

The Englishman looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.

 

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Two English men, Peter and John, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our English accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

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'Oh, doctor', he said, 'my wife thinks she's a chicken'. The doctor gasped, 'That's terrible. How long has she been like that?'

 

The husband replied, 'Three years'. The doctor was horrified, 'Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?'

 

The husband said sheepishly, 'Because we needed the eggs.'

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