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My Dad was very careful with his money.


When he became a bit hard of hearing he refused to buy an expensive hearing aid.


He bought a piece of flex, and would put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear.


It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.



Edited by chickenslegs
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A man gets arrested. ‘Anything you say will be taken down as evidence,’ says the copper. 
‘Stop hitting me with that truncheon!’ says the man. 

I got home early and jumped into bed with my wife. 
‘Sh*t,’ she shouted, ‘My husband’s home!’
Like a real d*ck I jumped out the window straight onto the roof of my car. 


Did you know that if you ain’t circumcised you can’t join the police force
That’s because you ain’t a complete Dick! 

A wife asks her husband why he never calls out her name while they’re having sex. The husband shrugs, takes her hand and says,

‘Because I don’t want to wake you.’


Two rats in a sewer been eating the same sh*t all day. One says to the other, ‘I’m sick of eating all this sh*t every single day!’ 
‘Cheer up,’ says his mate, ‘We’re going on the pi*s tonight!’

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9 hours ago, scottiejohn said:


 “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”  

Best (worst) joke of the year so far (IMHO).

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