Popular Post Snow Leopard Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 ''The three best things in life are: A good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time'. - Ready room sign, USS Enterprise, 1969, Gulf of Tonkin 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Snow Leopard Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 Tower received a call from a crew asking, "What time is it please?" Tower responded, "Who is calling?" The crew replied, "What difference does it make?" Tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snow Leopard Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. . . - Gen George S. Patton 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snow Leopard Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' Lead-in Fighter Training Manual 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Snow Leopard Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 As a test pilot climbs out of an experimental plane having crashed tearing off the wings and tail. crash trucks arrive. A rescuer asks bloodied pilot, ‘What happened?' The pilot replies, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Snow Leopard Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 Naval Aviation School Sign 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its arse. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this". 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 Dog to master: “Come on, tell me a joke.” Master: “You wouldn’t understand human jokes.” Dog: (sarcastically) “Oh sure, because humans are so smart and dogs are dumb.” Master: “OK then - knock knock.” Dog: Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof,woof … Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" She said. So I went and bought a pair of trainers from Primark. My mate asked me what my ringtone is. I said " I've never seen it, but I'm guessing its a light brown." I've been practicing my hammer throwing ready for the Olympics. Now I'm banned from B&Q. just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles? I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently. Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted January 31, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 31, 2019 Obviously never heard of San Izal then!!! But OMG! Seriously, OMG! Those Izal toilet rolls were like sandpaper. I'm sorry to offend anyone's delicate sensibilities. But come on here! How did any of us survive the agony of this sadistic faux-tissue - which had the consistency of heavy duty tracing paper - while scraping our tender backsides? We are wrecked today, I'm telling you, spoiled, ninnified and sissified with our wimpy Cottonelles and Cashmeres. You had to be a really tough dude(tte) to withstand the rigours of such a primitive wiping. I would roll and tweak and twist the sheets to soften them. In our house, newspaper was sometimes preferred to the Izal. Newspaper softened when manipulated, unlike the vicious Izal. The only downside was that newspaper clogged the toilet so you had to stuff it up your shirt to conceal it from the parents as you obeyed nature's call. And oh, did I mention Izal stank? Yes it did. Of Dettol, I think, the disinfectant that stung our cuts and abrasions after we fell. And it was SHINY. Imagine shiny, hard toilet tissue that stank like Jeye's Fluid and you'll get the picture. Imagine what it did to our butts. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted February 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2019 On 1/30/2019 at 8:27 AM, Andrew Dwyer said: Walking home from the pub last night I got accosted and mugged by 6 dwarves !! Not happy !! The other day I was driving along when the car in front slammed his brakes on and I smacked into the back of it. When the driver got out I saw that he was tiny, an absolute midget. He waddled up to me, prodded me in the knee with his finger and said "I'm not happy!" "Oh", I said, "so which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fasteddie Posted February 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2019 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 (edited) A man is sitting on a railway carriage staring intently at the guy across from him. "Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?" "Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my mother-in-law. Except for the moustache." "I don't have a moustache," says the guy. "No, but my mother-in-law does." Just as an aside: If you rearrange the letters in the word "Mother-in-law" you get the words "Woman Hitler". Edited February 1, 2019 by chickenslegs 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 We had been together for 5 years, so I took my long term girlfriend to a beautiful romantic Italian restaurant to celebrate. All of a sudden, I got out of my chair,and slowly got down on one knee. "Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked, "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed. "Sure thing" I replied. "But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted February 1, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted February 1, 2019 Me: "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?" Dad: "Because she was conceived in Paris." Me: "Ahh, thanks Dad, that explains it." Dad: "You're welcome, Pub Carpark." I asked my Mum if I was ugly. She said, "I told you not to call me Mum in front of people." My Dad said to me, "Son, I think it's time I told you that you were adopted." I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?" He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour." 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ballpoint Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I was playing golf with a guy from work who I don't really know too well, and just as he was about to tee off a funeral procession went by on the road next door. He put down his driver, took off his cap and bowed his head in silence. "Gee, Dave, that was a nice gesture" I said. "Well, it's the least I could do", he replied "after all, I was married to her for over forty years". 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 I had a few drinks and was driving home with my wife. A policeman pulled me over and asked: "Sir, have you been drinking?" I had to admit it: "Yes, I have." "Did you know," the cop says, "that at the last traffic roundabout, your wife fell out of the car?" "Oh, thank God," I said, "I thought I'd gone deaf." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted February 2, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2019 The Rt Hon Philip Hammond MP, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer was mugged in the streets of London last night. Mugger: "Give me all your money." Chancellor: "Do you know who I am?" Mugger: "No." Chancellor: "I am the Chancellor of the exchequer and head of the inland revenue." Mugger: "OK, give me all MY money." 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fasteddie Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fasteddie Posted February 2, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2019 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fasteddie Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Popular Post fasteddie Posted February 2, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted February 2, 2019 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 On 2/1/2019 at 12:16 AM, chickenslegs said: woof,woof,woof I think you must be 'barking mad'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary? A: Take the words out of his mouth! Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow? A: A watch dog. Q: How does a dog stop a video? A: He presses the paws button. Q: Where do you put barking dogs? A: In a barking lot. Q. How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car? A. Put him in the front seat. Q: What is the quietest kind of a dog? A: A hush puppy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 A bloke was walking through the park late at night when he stood on a man's bottom. "Oh thank you," said a girl's voice. The strangest thing happened to me on the train today. Found a well thumbed book titled “How to increase your Memory Power” left behind on a seat. Now, that’s irony! A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed. "Well!" she exclaimed. "And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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