Worst Joke Ever 2019

[chickenslegs 13,796]

As is tradition in Italian families, Maria spends her wedding night in her family home. Maria is a good Catholic girl who has saved herself for her wedding night and her mother sleeps in the next room in case she has any questions.

 

She says to Maria, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."

 

Maria goes to the bedroom with her new husband and as they're preparing for bed, her husband unbuttons his shirt. When she sees his chest, Maria jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"

 

Her Mama reassures her, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

 

So Maria goes back, but when her husband takes off his belt, she jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"

 

Once again, Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

 

So Maria goes back and finally, her husband takes off his shoes. Due to a childhood accident, he only has half of his left foot.

 

Maria jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has one foot and a half!"

 

Her mother leaps up and announces, "Stand back, Maria -this is a job for Mama!"

 

[chickenslegs 13,796]

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.

I gave her superglue instead.

 

She's still not talking to me.

[laislica 5,624]

A helpful soldier got me back in my car after I'd locked myself out.

He simply pressed his thigh against the door and it opened.
At 1st I was amazed I

then noticed he was wearing Khaki trousers!

[scottiejohn 8,127]

13 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Best (worst) joke of the year so far (IMHO).

But then I set consistently low standards and it is only January after all. 

Come on folks we have it in us to set the bar even lower as the virgin limbo dancing actress said to the Bishop!

[scottiejohn 8,127]

[scottiejohn 8,127]

Freddie Mercury dies and the Angel Gabriel goes to Freddie and says, ‘Freddie I loved your music so much I want you to go back downstairs. 
Obviously you can’t go back as Freddie Mercury or else you’ll be missed in heaven, and recognised back down there, so you’ve got to pick to be  someone else and I’ll put you down as him.’ 
So Freddie has a think and he says, ‘Angel Gabriel, I would like to be an English Premier League goalkeeper.’ 
The Angel Gabriel turns round and says, ‘What a strange choice, you could be anyone kind of person in the world, why do you want to be a Goalkeeper?’ 

Freddie says, ‘It’s quite simple. I’ll have eleven a*seholes in front of me and thousands of dicks behind!’
 
 
 

[scottiejohn 8,127]

[scottiejohn 8,127]

Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping.

When the boy asked his father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy.

A few days later the little boy caught his mum and dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making you a baby brother or sister. 

The little boy said,

 

"Well, can you turn mummy over, I'd much rather have a puppy." 

Edited January 5, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn 8,127]

[scottiejohn 8,127]

Two kids were arguing in the playground. 
"My dad's a better darts player than your dad," said the first boy. 
"No he ain't," said the second boy. "My dad got the highest score last week." 
"OK, OK, but my mum's better than your mum." 

"Yeah, alright, you win!"

 

"My dad says the same thing." 
 

[scottiejohn 8,127]

[kickstart 2,581]

Murphy was sitting down at work eating his lunch, cheese sandwich's, he takes a bite and says, "I hate cheese sandwiches same every day, been having them for years."

Three weeks later Murphy kills himself, in his last note he says I killed my self because of cheese sandwiches.

At his wake all his friends and family are they, his wife was talking to another family relation, and says, "I can not understand it he killed himself because of his cheese sandwiches, he uses to make his own sandwiches."    

[scottiejohn 8,127]

[scottiejohn 8,127]

A young blonde is encouraged to broaden her horizons, in more ways than one, by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons it's time for her first jump, so that afternoon she and her instructor go up in a plane. The instructor tells her not to worry because he'll jump straight after her and quickly race to catch her up. 
So the blonde jumps out, pulls her rip cord and heads gently for earth. A moment later the instructor jumps out but when he pulls his rip cord nothing happens and within seconds he passes his pupil.    "Oh no you don't," says the blonde on seeing his instructor race pass. 
"You didn't tell me it was a race to the bottom." At that, she undoes her parachute and shouts gleefully,

 

"Last one home is a sissy." just as the instructor deployed his reserve chute.

 

Edited January 6, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn 8,127]