Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

What a Turkey!

A woman is looking for a Thanksgiving turkey, but can't find a bird big enough to feed her massive family.

She asks the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replies,

"No, they've stopped growing, ma'am. Those turkeys are dead."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Maybe you get what you ask for!

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

 "No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma." 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe. Or I could do it for $10 if that would help."

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

For Andrew in response to another thread(POTY)

The world’s oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC;
It is a saying of the Sumerians, and goes:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” 

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, comes second —

“How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.” 

 

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century —

“What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

Answer: A key.”

[scottiejohn]

[tifino]

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

The world’s oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC;
It is a saying of the Sumerians, and goes:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” 

I was just thinking the Science behind that one?

 

 I'll put it this way...

 

Q: what is the definition of surprise?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 - a lumpy fart.

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, tifino said:

Q: what is the definition of surprise?

 

 - a lumpy fart.

That is not so much a surprise as an unwanted result of an easier expectation!

[owl sees all]

The oldest 'recorded' joke happened during Adam and Eve's tenure.

 

Adam has been shagging Eve every day but, then sudden;y Eve said "Not today Adam". And Adam replied; "what about that other hole?" Eve said "---- off." Then Adam said "what about that other hole?" Eve said "---- off" again.

 

And Adam said OK Eve I 'must obey one'.

 

[jvs]

Also happened in the garden of Eden.

It is true even today!!

Adam and Eve had been doing it and after the deed Eve went into the stream to

wash up.

'OH NO' God yelled,'i will never get that smell off my fish again"

[chickenslegs]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

One Thanksgiving, a man walks into his house with a turkey under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been having sex with."
His wife says, "That's a turkey not a pig under your arm. Why would you think I would want a pig for thanksgiving?"
The man replies, "Shut up! I wasn't talking to you."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.
Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, fa^ted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fa^t your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.
Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.
Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.

A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.
So she ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.
He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fa^t my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

 

Which English king invented the fireplace?

King Alfred the Grate.

 

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

 

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

Floodlights and ark lights.
 

[scottiejohn]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit the bottom." So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

While they were standing there looking over the edge, a goat came crashing through the brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.  As they peered into the hole in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

[ballpoint]

There is nothing more disgusting than after having a good <deleted>, looking down and seeing that limp, used condom hanging from your knob.

Especially if you weren't wearing one in the first place.

[ballpoint]

During the midst of a very bad winter Hamish the Crofter hadn't been seen for a couple of weeks.  Fearing the worst, the rescue helicopter flew a team up the hill.  A man climbed onto the croft roof, brushed away the snow and shouted down the chimney. "Hamish, Hamish it's the Mountain Rescue!"

"Pish off!  I gave a pound last year!"

[ballpoint]

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.

He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again.....'

[tifino]

 

 

 

[toofarnorth]

CNN sent a reporter to Jerusalem , a Jew had been going to the Wailing wall every day for 50 years.

Cohen appeared and the reporter said ' So Cohen , you have been going to pray here every day for the past 50 years what have you prayed for ?'

' I have prayed for world peace , for Christians and Jews , Muslims and Hindus , all religions to get on together .'

CNN reporter  says ' How do you it is going ?'

Cohen replies " It is like talking to a <deleted> brick wall !"

[scottiejohn]