Worst Joke Ever 2019

[scottiejohn 8,015]

There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece to keep. The boy always chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of laughter. 
"See," they would say. "He always picks the 10p because it's bigger. He's so thick." 
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and questioned him. "I'm sure you know 10p isn't worth as much as 20p, is it really because it's bigger?" 
"Of course not," whispered the boy,

 

"but if I stopped picking the 10p they'd stop playing the trick on me!" 

[scottiejohn 8,015]

[scottiejohn 8,015]

One day while on traffic control in a quiet rural area, a policeman flags down a car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being driven by a beautiful young blonde. 
"Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your licence and insurance please?" 
"Oh dear," replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these, officer?" and she hands him some documents from her bag. 
"That's right, Miss, won't be a moment", and with that he walks over to his car to radio in the details. 
"I know this woman," comes the reply, are you in a quiet area?"
“Yes he replies it is really quiet at the moment”.
"Great then.  Just go back over to her and ask her if she has had a drink recently.  She will say yes so just take your trousers down when you get her into the back of your car." 
"What the <deleted> are you talking about?" says the policeman over the radio to the control room in amazement. 
"Don't worry, just do as I say, it'll be fine, you’ll see" 
So the policeman returns to the woman's car, hands back her documents and at the same time asks if she has had a drink recently.  She immediately confirms that she has so he escorts her to his car where he drops his trousers whereupon she exclaims!

 

"Oh wow, not another breathalyser test." 

[scottiejohn 8,015]

[chickenslegs 11,030]

I tried to persuade my girlfriend to have sex on the hood of my Honda Civic…but she refused.

She said: "If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord".

 

And now she isn’t talking to me because, apparently, I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

 

[chickenslegs 11,030]

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she's in for a shock.

 

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbor is dead against it.

[chickenslegs 11,030]

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “I rounded them up.”

 

Did you hear about the statistician 
who drowned crossing a river?

But it 
was only three feet deep - on average.

 

Not all math puns are bad.

Just sum.

 

 

[scottiejohn 8,015]

9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I tried to persuade my girlfriend to have sex on the hood of my Honda Civic…but she refused.

You should have explained to her it was her "civic duty" to satisfy your needs!

 

PS;  Try telling her that you are trading the civic in for a Pick Up and see what happens.

Edited January 7, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn 8,015]

[scottiejohn 8,015]

The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver's door. They stopped and confronted him. 
"Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car?" 
"Of course I am, officer," he slurred.

 

"I'm in no state to walk." 
 

[scottiejohn 8,015]

[scottiejohn 8,015]

An Irish man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change. 
"You went through all that just to protect a few coins?" they asked amazed. 
"Oh I see," said the man.

 

"For a while I thought you were after the £500 hidden in my left shoe." 

Edited January 7, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn 8,015]

[scottiejohn 8,015]

The judge turned to the farmer and said, "Mr Brown, you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver, for the awful injuries you claim you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the scene of the accident you were heard, in front of two reliable witnesses, to say to the policeman that you'd never felt better when he asked how you felt. Kindly explain this if your injuries were as severe as you now state in your deposition." 
"It's like this, your honour" replied the farmer. "At the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, hearing it whimper seeing and it was badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him I'd never felt better." 
 

[scottiejohn 8,015]