Worst Joke Ever 2024

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

49 minutes ago, fasteddie said:

What a plank to fall for that joke.  Same as being told as an apprentice to ask for the Tartan paint or a sky hook.

PS;  Is that a pirate doing it doggy style or a seaman at the end of his tether?

Edited February 28, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! 
It's pretty easy...
All you do is say,
"Goodness you have put on some weight recently'?"

 

Paddy and Mick are on holiday in South Africa and are sitting by the riverbank. 
Suddenly a crocodile swims past with a blokes head in its mouth.
"Jaysus Paddy, did you see that fella?"

"I did Mick and the flash git is in a LaCoste sleeping bag!

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13 year-old son to help me.
He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it.

As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said, "It was an 'ID ten T' issue". 
Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an ID ten T issue was.  
"Write it down", he said, so I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ID 10 T  

 

 

 

 

 

 

(IDIOT) 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My boss asked can you work Saturday this week? I know you don't usually work weekends but I really need you to do so this weekend!"
"No problem" I said.
"But I might be a bit late because of the very limited bus service on a weekend"
"That’s understood, when do you think you will be able to get here then?" he asked.

 

"Monday!"I replied."

 

[scottiejohn]

[ballpoint]

My grandfather was trying to give up smoking, so to help him along I secretly soaked one of his cigarettes in petrol.  I think he appreciated my effort, judging by the way his face lit up.

[ballpoint]

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Big mouth!

????

Well, you should have compensated for that.

[chickenslegs]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I’m here to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and pushed it towards the rancher’s face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever the <deleted> I wish, whenever the <deleted> I wish.... On any f*cking land I wish! No questions asked! Do - you - f*cking - understand?!"

 

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous, angry bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

 

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, officer, show him your f*cking BADGE!!"

[chickenslegs]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[chickenslegs]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

 

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

 

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

 

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[Mike Teavee]

6 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

[ballpoint]

This bloke goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, you've got to help me.  Every day I wake up and shag my wife before we get out of bed, then when she's gone to work I go downstairs and take the maid from behind while she's washing the dishes.  After that I take the car pool to work, and when it's down to just the last woman and me, we climb into the back seat for a quickie.  Then, when I get to my office I shag my secretary over her desk and do some work before the tea lady comes around mid morning, and shag her over mine.  I spend my lunch hour at my girlfriend's place and we manage to fit in a few before I go back to work.  The tea lady comes back in the afternoon and I shag her again, and give another one to my secretary before I leave for the day.  When I get home I take the maid again, and then have a quickie with my wife when she gets back.  Finally, we have another in bed at night before going to sleep".
"I don't understand, what help do you need from me?" asks the doctor.
"It hurts when I jack off".

[scottiejohn]

14 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Well, you should have compensated for that.

You could have kept your teeth in!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

A group of guys are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.” 

WOMAN: “Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?” 

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I'm at the Centre mall now and found this beautiful handbag. It's only 20,000 Baht. Is it OK if I buy it?” 

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you really like it.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2019 Models. I saw one I really liked, but it’s 5 million Baht.” 

MAN: “OK go for it, but make sure you get all the options, even if it costs a bit more.” 

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for 30 million.” 

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of 29 m. They will probably take it. If not, just go the extra million.” 

WOMAN: “OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!” 

MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!” 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open. 

The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone this is?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Paddy and Murphy got drunk, they missed the last bus home!
Walking home they pass the bus station. 
Murphy says, 

'Wait here Paddy, I’ll steal us a bus!'
So for the next two hours all Paddy hears is buses starting up and stopping, start, move stop, etc.
Eventually Murphy appears on a bus. 
Paddy says, 

'What took you so long?'
Murphy replies, 

"Well Paddy, the only bus that goes anywhere near us is the number 11 and they parked that bloody bus at the back and I had to move all the others to make way for it!"
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He has travelled the world swam with sharks, climbed Mt Everest, Earned and spent millions.
No surprise his name is;

Bin-dair Dun-dat.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.
Unless it's 3AM, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says ...

 

 

'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.

 

[scottiejohn]