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I just found out I'm color-blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization that no one believes in.
 

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need and I wouldn’t want to be found dead anywhere near it.


What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.


Don't trust atoms, they make up everything and then split on you.


Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.  The brownies’ mothers weren’t too happy either.

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Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.


Claustrophobic people seem to have more productive thinking out of the box, probably because they haven’t led a sheltered life.


I was addicted to the hokey kokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around and handed myself in before I got to shaken up. 
 

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing, I’ll square with you later!

 

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

 

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been, on cloud nine all day again?!"

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On 12/7/2018 at 2:45 PM, vogie said:

I can't believe how rude the suppositories helpline is?

What's wrong, did they tell you to go stuff yourself, or are you just making an a&se of yourself when you said you would take their advice with a pinch of salt?

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What’s with all these wind farms cropping up all over the UK ?
We’ve got enough wind as it is without creating more !!
Not to mention the electricity it must take to run those things !!!

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21 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

What’s with all these wind farms cropping up all over the UK ?
We’ve got enough wind as it is without creating more !!
Not to mention the electricity it must take to run those things !!!

They are called wind farms as they Keep the cows cool in the summer and stops the milk going off!

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On 12/7/2018 at 2:45 PM, vogie said:

I can't believe how rude the suppositories helpline is?

Many years ago I was on a sailing yacht crossing the Bay of Biscay. Seasickness was a major problem, especially as I was the navigator, and had to spend a lot of time at the chart table down below.

 

In the medical box was a packet marked "suppositories, for severe seasickness".

 

I tried a couple - useless, did nothing, might as well have stuck them up my arse...

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HRH Prince Philip, talking about marriage ...

 

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."

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the wife keeps making these bird impressions!

 

 

 

 

 - like now, she is watching me like a hawk...

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2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

IMG_0909.JPG

I thought Baskin Robins were just a Christmas tweet - sorry I meant Christmas treat, but then I'm not a breast of these new trends

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