Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 Went to the library this morning to look for the new book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat. The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it's in or out." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 There's this chap in a pub just sitting there looking at his drink. Without a word, a huge macho type walks over grabs the guy's drink and downs it. The poor man who has been sitting at the bar starts crying. Mr. Macho says: - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying". Our friend at the bar replies: - "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home, and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this pub. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison"! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Seth1a2a Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me! "Moishe, I think you may be exaggerating", said Rabbi "No, I am pretty sure of it, Rabbi!" "Ah, don't be such a drama queen, I'll talk to her". Rabbi goes to another room to talk to man's wife. He comes out about 30 minutes later and says: "You know, after talking to your wife I can see I was wrong - and you're actually right. My advice? Take the poison." 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Seth1a2a Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Seth1a2a said: Greeting Deerly Kind Beloved Sir, I wish the opportunity give monies your bank account...….. Edited August 14, 2020 by Seth1a2a 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 A Polish man married an English girl after he had been in the UK a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house." LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar." LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge." LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations live in Poland." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound." LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "No, I’m always up before her." LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me!" LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover." 2 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Seth1a2a Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Davo369 Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 Donald Trump walks up to the counter and loudly says "I want a big mac, fries and coke". "Sorry, Sir, this is a library" says the woman. "Oh", says Donald, looking embarrassed, "okay, I want a big mac, fries and coke". 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Share Posted August 14, 2020 My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek. It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post tifino Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 the calm before the storm... 3 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Davo369 Posted August 14, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 14, 2020 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 It seems I have a new medical disorder, “alcoholic constipation”; I can’t pass a pub! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
overherebc Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 One day just outside Rome a farmer discovers an absolutely huge strawberry. All his friends tell him he must give it to Ceasar. He does so and Ceasar is so amazed by it he puts it on a plinth so the people can come and see it. For two days the crowds come to see it and on the third day Mark Anthony hears about it. When he sees the strawberry he draws his sword and cuts off a bit to eat. The crowd all shout 'what are you doing??' He answers I come to seize the berry, not to praise it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tifino Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 The Democrat family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenBravo Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 A baby seal walks into a club........... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post KarenBravo Posted August 15, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 15, 2020 (edited) What's the difference between a prostitute and 6 lane freeway? One knackers your tires and the other........... Edited August 15, 2020 by KarenBravo 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post KarenBravo Posted August 15, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 15, 2020 It's show and tell time at school. After everyone in the class has done theirs, it's little Johnny's turn. Teacher: 'What do you have to show us Johnny?'. Johnny: 'I have a trained spider miss'. Johnny pulls out a match-box and from within it takes out a large spider and places it on his desk. Johnny: 'Watch this miss'. Johnny: 'Spider walk left'. The spider walks to the left. Johnny: 'Spider walk right'. The spider walks to the right. Johnny: 'Spider walk forward'. The spider walks forward. He then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and places it back on the desk. Johnny: 'Spider walk left'. The spider doesn't move. Johnny: 'Spider walk right'. The spider doesn't move. Johnny: 'Spider walk forward'. The spider doesn't move. Teacher: 'Johnny, that was terrible. What did that prove'? Johnny: 'It proves that when you pull the legs off of a spider, they go deaf'. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
overherebc Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 Ceasar gives Brutus an award for his 24 greatest deeds. A nice vase with 24 chocolate buttons in it. He gets home and his wife counts the buttons and finds only 20. Brutus rushes back to tell Ceasar and gets there just as Ceasar is being stabbed to death. Brutus joins in the stabbing and Ceasar says et tu Brute! Liar says Brutus, you ate 4. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar One came, one saw, and one conquered, 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 Julius Caesar.... Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza Everyone eats a single slice except Brutus who sneakily eats another one. Caesar catches him in the act and says "Ate two, Brute?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted August 15, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted August 15, 2020 (edited) Have you heard about Cario's taxi drivers? The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns even louder than before the pandemic. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week. Edited August 15, 2020 by fangless 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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