Worst Joke Ever 2024

[fangless]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."

So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun." Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.

[ravip]

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transferred to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. 
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." 

She's there at 6:30 am sharp, and  beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.

She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. 

They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. 

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, 
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth.

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.

 

Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" 

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late

[Hamus Yaigh]

So, I took this Liverpool girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, “Do you like avocado?”

She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

 

[KC 71]

[KC 71]

[KC 71]

[KC 71]

[ballpoint]

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, he says "this octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet, I reckon he can play any instrument in the world, if anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you $1000.

With that, all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease by the octopus.

"Has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner.

A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes. "Do you think he can play these?" he asks.

"No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it? I'm trying to get its knickers off."

 

 

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by ballpoint

[ballpoint]

When I came home last night the wife complained that the cat had upset her.

Serves her right for eating it in the first place.

[ballpoint]

A woman is in bed with a man who is not her husband and they are going for it big style; if there had been chandeliers they would be swinging from them.

Suddenly they hear the front door open

"That's my husband" she shrieks. "Find somewhere to hide"

"Under the bed" he says.

"That'll be the first place he looks.".

"In the wardrobe then?"

"That'll be the next place, just get out and hide.".

The husband comes stamping up the stairs.

"You've get a man in here.", he shouts.

"Who me" the wife replies, wearing nothing but sweat and pubic hair.

"He's under the bed" and he checks, "OK then he is in the wardrobe". Again he checks and finding no one there says "Apologies, I am obviously mistaken. I am going to go for a shower as it has been a hard day at the office"

He goes out the bedroom and into the bathroom, pulls back the shower curtain and sees a man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the *** are you?" he shouts.

"The Moth Catcher." Is the reply.

"But you've got no clothes on."

"The *******s!"

[ballpoint]

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

Mac.

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

Max.

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

Max Bygraves

[ballpoint]

What do you call a Spanish man with no legs sitting in the middle of a field?

Gracias.

[ballpoint]

Paul McCartney went to a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back.

"What have you come dressed as?" the host asked.

Paul replied, "a snail, and this is Michelle".

[overherebc]

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, he says "this octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet, I reckon he can play any instrument in the world, if anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you $1000.

With that, all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease by the octopus.

"Has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner.

A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes. "Do you think he can play these?" he asks.

"No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it? I'm trying to get its knickers off."

 

 

 

Guy walks in a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other.

Doesn't take long for someone to ask why.

It's a tap-dancing duck he says. Buy me a pint and I'll show you.  One guy buys him a pint and he picks up the duck and puts it on the biscuit tin and says 'dance duck'.  The duck starts tap dancing.

After 10 minutes someone says  does it ever stop?

Guy says yes, if I lift the tin lid and blow out the candles.

[Hamus Yaigh]

[VocalNeal]

On 5/10/2021 at 11:50 AM, tomazbodner said:

They must be bloody British! Else she'd be eating a cookie... or keks, if Swedish.

 

Biscuits and gravy?

[tomazbodner]

[tomazbodner]

[KC 71]

[KC 71]

[KC 71]

[KC 71]

[roo860]

[fangless]

2 hours ago, KC 71 said:

Is someone taking the p*ss out of the use of a wheel chair?

[ravip]

[tomazbodner]

A worried citizen calls police....

 

Man: "Is that the police? I'd like to report a multiple rape. There are 2 men raping a poor woman on the floor!"

 

911 operator: "Sir, could you please give us the address where you saw this?"

 

Man: "Sure I can. It's at Pornhub.com"

[tomazbodner]

Best stairs ever...

 

[tomazbodner]

Wichsand...

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by tomazbodner

[roo860]

[fangless]