Worst Joke Ever 2019

[ravip 4,849]

[ravip 4,849]

[ravip 4,849]

 

If you had to buy 3 items to make the cashier uncomfortable, what would they be?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She replied, we ain't planning on eating them.

Edited October 30, 2020 by ravip

[fangless 3,588]

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. 
The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. 
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. 

Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. 
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behaviour. She was sitting up reading and absolutely fuming with rage, but hiding it well,  when he came in. 

She asked him how the party had gone and what he had done.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

 

Then thru gritted teeth she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. 

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But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to said he sure as hell had one great time there with some bird he had never met before!"

Edited October 30, 2020 by fangless

[fangless 3,588]

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?"

"Oh, I'm not working it's those idiots," grumbles the old man.

 

"They misspelled my name!"

[fangless 3,588]

Edited October 30, 2020 by fangless

[fangless 3,588]

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?
Hubby: Yes, I love that very rare trick you once did with your mouth.
Wife: What trick was that?

Hubby: the one where you shut up and go to sleep all night without snoring. 

 

He gets released from hospital next week!
 

[fangless 3,588]

A sheriff walked into a bar and said,

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?  

He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket."

 The bartender said, "What's he wanted for?"

 

 

 "Rustlin'." 
 

[fangless 3,588]

A tom cat was running frantically about the base of the tree while a female cat was giving him the come on from one of the branches. 
"Why don't you get up there and give her one," asked a fellow cat walking by. 
"Listen, mate, have you ever tried climbing a tree with a b*ner?." 
 

[fangless 3,588]

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the <deleted> out of my cab!"

Eventually he managed to hitch some lifts to to the airport,  and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that told him to GTF.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.

"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a bl*wjob on the way there?"

The cab driver says, "GT<deleted> out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
"How much to airport?"
"$15."
"Great, how much for a bl"wjob on the way there?"
This cab driver also tells him to GT<deleted> out of his cab.

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15."

"If I give you an extra 5 bucks could I sit in the front seat, I'll pay extra, just I get frightened in the back seat on my own?

"Ok" says the cabbie. "Get in".
The guy hands the driver $20 and says, "Great let's go but please drive slowly!"

And so the driver leaves with his passenger in the front seat next to him, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out of their windows;

 

as  the passenger in the front smiles back at each driver with a big leery smile on his face and with a thumbs up!

[roo860 7,839]

[chickenslegs 13,440]

[chickenslegs 13,440]

[ballpoint 15,677]

A friend told me that he wanted to move to Liverpool with his girlfriend and have a baby there.
I thought, "It will never work."

[ballpoint 15,677]

Lisa was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Lisa’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
Lisa’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Lisa was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the National Chicken Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.
You will certainly hear the Bull---t