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"How many Thai Visa members does it take to change a light bulb?" One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing

An Amish family decides to go to New York for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son.   They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic. 
"Why?" asks the father. 
"The teacher asked ‘How much is 2x3? and I said '6"'

"But that's right!" said Father

"Then she asked me ‘How much is 3x2?"'

His father asks, "What's the f*cking difference?"

Johnny said "That's exactly what I said to her!"
 

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Little Suzy was absent from school for a few days, and when she returned she said to the teacher "I had the flu Miss, and mum wouldn't let me go to school because she said it's catching".

"That was good of her", said teacher, "but the correct word to use is 'contagious'.  Now, who can make a sentence using that word?"

"Me! Me! Miss!" shouted Johnny.

"Well, okay Johnny" said teacher, with some misgivings.

"Last weekend I went for a ride with my dad and we saw a truck that had spilled a load of watermelons on the road, and dad said, 'gee, it'll take that poor contagious to pick up all those watermelons'"

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One by one, a class of fifth-graders were called on to make sentences with words chosen by their teacher. Nick didn't often participate in class, so his teacher was glad when she saw him raise his hand to give it a try.

 Nick, make a sentence with the words defeat, defense, deduct, and detail.

 

 Nick thought for a few minutes and smiled. He shouted, Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!  

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CHEMISTRY TEACHER: What is the formula for water?

 STUDENT: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

 CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Why would you give a silly answer like that?

 STUDENT: I said it was H to O!

 
 TEACHER: José, go to the map and find North America.

 JOSÉ: Here it is!

 TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered North America?

 CLASS (in unison): José!

 
 SAM: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

 TEACHER: No, of course not.

 SAM: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

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TEACHER: If I gave you four cats today and six cats tomorrow, how many cats would you have?

 JANE: Eleven.

 TEACHER: That's not right, you'd have ten.

 JANE: No, Miss, I'd have eleven. I already have one cat at home!

 

 

 

 TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

 CHARLIE: Eight.

 TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

 CHARLIE: Ten.

 TEACHER: That=s impossible.

 CHARLIE: No, it isn't. I'm nine today.

 

 

 TEACHER: Why are you late?

 DANA: Because of the sign.

 TEACHER: What sign?

 DANA: The one that says, SCHOOL AHEAD, GO SLOW.

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On Friday, the teacher told the kids that there would be a special show and tell on Monday.  The object they bring should be something that a member of the family uses and they must ask what they use it for when they borrow it.  Come Monday, little Suzy stands at the front, holds up something small and says "This is my mum's pin cushion.  She said that she uses it to keep pins and needles in".  Next, Timmy holds up a hammer and says "This is my dad's hammer.  He says he uses it to whack nails into bits of wood".  And so it goes, until only Johnny is left.  "Well, Johnny, do you have something to show us?" asks teacher.  "Yes Miss, but it's too big to bring in here, you need to look out the window".  Everyone crowds to the window and sees a big grey machine with a large bellows and pipes running all around it, and an electric plug trailing out the back.  "This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny.  "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher.  "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

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On 2/18/2019 at 8:14 PM, ballpoint said:

"This is my granddad's iron lung" says Johnny.  "And what did he say when you borrowed it?" asked teacher.  "Nothing, he just went huuurrrggghhhhhh".

Don't hold your breath but I think that is high on the "Groanarama index".🤣 

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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
“No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

 

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a whiskey?” The bartender smiles and says, “For you, no charge.”

 

I have a new theory on inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

 

 

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Definitions from the Oxbridge Dictionary of ISIHAC (BBC Radio 4) - comedy that needs a bit of thought.

 

· Abominable – practice frowned upon by all but the most aggressive of matadors

· Accomplish – one who aids and abets Sean Connery

· Admin – contribute the least

· Apollo – Roman god of chicken

· Appearing – an iPhone app that pierces your ear while you talk on it

· Balderdash – the rapid receding of a hairline

· Canada – a snake in a tin

· Category – an allegory about a cat (q.v. Allegory – a category of alley)

· Cauterise – what I did just before she looked away with disdain

· Cognac – to trick a long-haired Himalayan beast

 

And, for anyone who remembers Samantha ...

"So, as Samantha heads off to the Highland games to admire the contestants in the caber competition, and perhaps have a go at tossing one or two herself..."

 

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I went to a flash nightclub last Friday, and there was a famous female pop star sitting in a private area.  I don't know how it happened, but she called me over and we really hit it off.  Everything was going fine until we went back to my place.  I turned on the light and she gave a disgusted laugh and said "That's really pathetic!  How do you think you'll satisfy me with such a tiny thing like that?"  "Gee", I said, "I'm sorry Adele, but it was the biggest fridge I could afford".

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A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede scored so many goals that the little animals won the game.

When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

 

He replied “Putting on my boots!”.
 

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