Worst Joke Ever 2021

[fangless 5769]

The first paragraph is missing from the lion "joke" above/previous page.

Here is the full "joke";

 

Once, there was a small private zoo that was dependent on public contributions to pay for its upkeep. However, due to the COVID pandemic times were tough and the zoo was losing money hand over fist. Somehow the owner had to raise some cash. He came up with a brilliant idea. The next day, notices went up that anyone who could make the most ferocious lion jump straight up in the air would win £1,000. The entry fee would be £50.

Many people tried, but no one succeeded and much to the owner's delight, a lot of money was raised. Then, two days later, a small, rather insipid man arrived at the zoo and offered his £50 to take up the bet. Feeling quite safe, the owner took him over to the lion's cage and called for witnesses. When a crowd had gathered, the man produced a wooden truncheon from within his coat, swung it around in the air and hit the lion in the testicles  as hard as possible. With an almighty growl, the lion jumped three feet into the air. Very dispirited, the owner handed over the £1,000 prize.

A couple of months passed and the owner was forced to think up another bet.

This time he decided to challenge people to make the lion shake his head from side to side within 15 seconds of meeting it and without touching it or giving it anything in any way. It was a roaring success and the financial situation started to improve again. 
Alas, to his horror, the small insipid man appeared one week later and handed over his entry fee. He went over to the lion and whispered, "Do you remember me?"

The lion nodded apprehensively.

"Do you want me to do the same as I did last time?"

 

And the lion shook his head vigorously.
 

[xylophone 12741]

My nephew has two tickets (box seats) for the 2021 SUPER BOWL, for sale.

He paid $1,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his  wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

The wedding is at the First Baptist Church in Dallas at 3pm.

Her name is Judy, she is 5'1, about 110 lbs, she's a good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.

Edited April 17 by xylophone

[ballpoint 19180]

You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station -
it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph, but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.

[xylophone 12741]

NEWSFLASH…………..

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homophobes descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'

[ballpoint 19180]

My wife has been missing now for over a week.

The police have now told me to "prepare for the worst" so I've just been out to the charity shop to get some of her clothes back.

[ballpoint 19180]

What’s the best way to make an ornate Italian sink?

Tie a brick to his Gucci swimming trunks.

[xylophone 12741]

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.

[ballpoint 19180]

A new survey shows that 25 to 30 year olds don't drink as much alcohol as they did 20 years ago.
They must have been one p!ssed bunch of 5 to 10 year olds.

[ballpoint 19180]

I like my steaks rare.
Tonight I'm having panda.

[xylophone 12741]

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!

[xylophone 12741]

As a young boy I was blessed with a nine and three quarter inch penis . . ..
Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley

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[xylophone 12741]

The wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you”?
I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!

 

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[Andrew Dwyer 15194]

Some people are complaining about these lockdowns but they have been a godsend for me.

Finished the extension and even had the time to make myself a hammock ............

 

 

............. time to put my feet up and have a cold beer before the house warming guests arrive.

[roo860 10666]

[roo860 10666]

[WorriedNoodle 7281]

[Hamus Yaigh 900]

[Hamus Yaigh 900]

[Hamus Yaigh 900]

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theaters...

It was just a stage I was going through.

[roo860 10666]

[ballpoint 19180]

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies: "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

[ballpoint 19180]

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