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"How many Thai Visa members does it take to change a light bulb?" One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing

An Amish family decides to go to New York for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son.   They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the

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6 hours ago, roo860 said:

IMG-20210508-WA0001.jpg

Why would a Scouser need one given the local weather?

PS;  Where is the beer holder?

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So, I took this Liverpool girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, “Do you like avocado?”

She said, “No, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

 

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A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, he says "this octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet, I reckon he can play any instrument in the world, if anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you $1000.

With that, all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease by the octopus.

"Has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner.

A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes. "Do you think he can play these?" he asks.

"No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it? I'm trying to get its knickers off."

 

 

 

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When I came home last night the wife complained that the cat had upset her.

Serves her right for eating it in the first place.

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A woman is in bed with a man who is not her husband and they are going for it big style; if there had been chandeliers they would be swinging from them.

Suddenly they hear the front door open

"That's my husband" she shrieks. "Find somewhere to hide"

"Under the bed" he says.

"That'll be the first place he looks.".

"In the wardrobe then?"

"That'll be the next place, just get out and hide.".

The husband comes stamping up the stairs.

"You've get a man in here.", he shouts.

"Who me" the wife replies, wearing nothing but sweat and pubic hair.

"He's under the bed" and he checks, "OK then he is in the wardrobe". Again he checks and finding no one there says "Apologies, I am obviously mistaken. I am going to go for a shower as it has been a hard day at the office"

He goes out the bedroom and into the bathroom, pulls back the shower curtain and sees a man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the *** are you?" he shouts.

"The Moth Catcher." Is the reply.

"But you've got no clothes on."

"The *******s!"

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Paul McCartney went to a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back.

"What have you come dressed as?" the host asked.

Paul replied, "a snail, and this is Michelle".

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1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, he says "this octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet, I reckon he can play any instrument in the world, if anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you $1000.

With that, all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease by the octopus.

"Has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner.

A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes. "Do you think he can play these?" he asks.

"No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it? I'm trying to get its knickers off."

 

 

 

Guy walks in a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other.

Doesn't take long for someone to ask why.

It's a tap-dancing duck he says. Buy me a pint and I'll show you.  One guy buys him a pint and he picks up the duck and puts it on the biscuit tin and says 'dance duck'.  The duck starts tap dancing.

After 10 minutes someone says  does it ever stop?

Guy says yes, if I lift the tin lid and blow out the candles.

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On 5/10/2021 at 11:50 AM, tomazbodner said:

They must be bloody British! Else she'd be eating a cookie... or keks, if Swedish.

 

Biscuits and gravy?

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