Worst Joke Ever 2024

[faraday]

8 hours ago, bluesofa said:

 

(from the above link)

"This is called enteral ventilation via anus, or EVA."

 

I'm sure Eva Air never imagined their name would be linked to anything in such a surreal way.

 Or even the Apollo Moon landings....????

[fangless]

Why do Scottish farmers wear kilts?

So the sheep won't hear the zip.
 

[fangless]

Which one is the odd one out:

Luncheon meat, soya bean or a vibrator?

Luncheon meat;

the other two are meat substitutes.
 

[fangless]

Have you noticed how cars only break down on the way home and never when you're going to work?
 

[fangless]

"Doctor, doctor. It's the wife. She's having trouble with her eyesight," said the poor and agitated husband.

"Really?" replied the doctor, "in what way?"

"She keeps having visions of a pearl necklaces and Mink Coats."
 

[fangless]

Two farmers are talking over a pint.

"I'm glad to see you and your wife are on better terms. Solved the eternal triangle problem, did you?"

"Oh, yes," replied the other.

 

"We ate the sheep."
 

[fangless]

Three sisters, named Flora, Fiona and Fanny lived in the same village in Yorkshire and were renowned for their beauty, although all of them had extra-large feet.

One evening, Flora and Fiona went to the local bop and soon found themselves chatting to some lads from the next village.

"By gum," said one of the lads. "Haven't you got big feet!"

"Oh, that's nowt," they replied. "You should see our Fanny's."
 

[fangless]

After fifteen years of service in the house of Lord and Lady Muck, the cook was asked to leave to make way for someone younger and more dynamic. On the day of departure, she received her final wages and a small box of chocolates as a 'thank you' for loyal service.

"Well, I never!" she exclaimed, throwing the box of chocolates at the dog.

"Why on earth did you do that?" they demanded.

"At least I show proper appreciation to those who've worked hard."

 

"That's to say thanks to the dog for helping me clean all the dishes over these past fifteen years."
 

[Solinvictus]

This girl told me come on over, nobody is home. I went on over, nobody was home!

[ravip]

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

 

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

 

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

 

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”

 

Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

[ballpoint]

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat.

[ballpoint]

'He who forgets history risks repeating it'.
This is particularly true for those doing GCSE.

[ballpoint]

Buffalo used to roam the prairies in large numbers:

[ballpoint]

I’m selling Lions on ebay.
Doing a roaring trade.

[ballpoint]

[bluesofa]

1 minute ago, ballpoint said:

'He who forgets history risks repeating it'.
This is particularly true for those doing GCSE.

Granddad to grandson: What subject do you like the least at school?

Grandson: History.

Granddad: Why, I used to love history when I was at school.

Grandson: Yes, but there wasn't so much of it then.

[ballpoint]

An 85 year old couple, having been married for over 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last twenty years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi and the beautiful golf course behind their home. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. Thinking of eating healthy, "where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" asked the old man.
Peter replied, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly and finally looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here twenty years ago!"

[ballpoint]

16 hours ago, roo860 said:

BREAKING: Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !! my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.

Oh no!  It's the Vindaflu!

[ballpoint]

I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

[ballpoint]

Unopened packet of polo’s for sale,
Mint condition

[bluesofa]

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Unopened packet of polo’s for sale,
Mint condition

I wonder if that's where the idea of bagels came from?

Bagel - the bread with the hole in the middle.

Could be copyright issues.

[fangless]

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Unopened packet of polo’s for sale,
Mint condition

are they holesale?

[Hamus Yaigh]

My mates just moved in with a new Czech girlfriend but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.

[Hamus Yaigh]

[bluesofa]

Would a monk who is good at carpentry be considered a chip monk?

[Susco]

Next week I try a more difficult one.

 

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]