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I’m starting to think Dog Show judges have some sort of All-Terrier motive.

 

Did you hear about the actuary who wouldn’t make whipped cream?

She was whisk-averse.

 

I don’t enjoy computer jokes.

Not one bit!

(and I can't get my teeth into the bytes)

 

I changed my Mobile Phone’s name to Titanic.

It’s syncing now.
 

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Colonel Sir Bufton-Tufton has three male triplets.

On the morning of their 18th birthday, he's sat in the breakfast room scoffing his kedgeree and Darjeeling whilst reading the Times.

Son Algernon walks in.

“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your footsteps, go to Sandhurst and weplicate your illustrious militawy caweer in the Guards”

“Capital notion Algy. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your cadetship to start you orf”.

Son Bertram walks in.

“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your post militawy footsteps, go to Balliol, study law and weplicate your illustrious legal caweer as a bawwister

“Capital notion Berty. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your studies to start you orf”

Half an hour later son Harold shambles in dressed in shabby clothes and with a catastrophic hangover.

“Happy birthday Harry. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Dad, I thought I would break with family tradition, take to the land and become a farmer”
The colonel goes red in the face and explodes.

“A farmer. A ruddy farmer. Wading around in pig<deleted> and rogering milkmaids. The Bufton-Tuftons have a proud tradition of entering the army, the law, the church or the varsities. I’m absolutely appalled”

So he kicked Harry in the <deleted> and said “There’s two acres to get you started orf”.

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Mash a snickers bar in your hand, reach under the next stall and ask for tissue.
2. Comment "Pooh, who did that?" 
3. Complement people on their shoes. 
4. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.
5. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects. 
6. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in their bowl.
7. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives
8.Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl. 
9. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!" 
10. Drop a cantaloupe in the bowl and sigh with relief
11. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python. 
12. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."
13. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.
14. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
15. Drop a marble and say, "Oh <deleted>! My glass eye!"
 

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