Popular Post scottiejohn Posted January 4, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 4, 2019 Baby Camel A baby camel goes to see his mother and asks her "Mom, why do we have a lump on the back?" She replies "It is to be able to store the water for more time my darling." The baby camel then asks "Ah, and why do we have big hooves?" "It's to be able to pass the hardest paths my darling." the mother replies "And why do we have big eyelids?" asks the baby. "It's to prevent the sand from entering our eyes darling." replies the mother "Oh, Ok" and the baby looks around him and turns to his mother: "But then Mom, what are we doing in a Scottish Zoo?" 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted January 4, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 4, 2019 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 A man gets arrested. ‘Anything you say will be taken down as evidence,’ says the copper. ‘Stop hitting me with that truncheon!’ says the man. I got home early and jumped into bed with my wife. ‘Sh*t,’ she shouted, ‘My husband’s home!’ Like a real d*ck I jumped out the window straight onto the roof of my car. Did you know that if you ain’t circumcised you can’t join the police force That’s because you ain’t a complete Dick! A wife asks her husband why he never calls out her name while they’re having sex. The husband shrugs, takes her hand and says, ‘Because I don’t want to wake you.’ Two rats in a sewer been eating the same sh*t all day. One says to the other, ‘I’m sick of eating all this sh*t every single day!’ ‘Cheer up,’ says his mate, ‘We’re going on the pi*s tonight!’ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted January 4, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 4, 2019 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 9 hours ago, scottiejohn said: <snip> “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!” Best (worst) joke of the year so far (IMHO). 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted January 4, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 4, 2019 As is tradition in Italian families, Maria spends her wedding night in her family home. Maria is a good Catholic girl who has saved herself for her wedding night and her mother sleeps in the next room in case she has any questions. She says to Maria, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama." Maria goes to the bedroom with her new husband and as they're preparing for bed, her husband unbuttons his shirt. When she sees his chest, Maria jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!" Her Mama reassures her, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy." So Maria goes back, but when her husband takes off his belt, she jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!" Once again, Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy." So Maria goes back and finally, her husband takes off his shoes. Due to a childhood accident, he only has half of his left foot. Maria jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has one foot and a half!" Her mother leaps up and announces, "Stand back, Maria -this is a job for Mama!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted January 4, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 4, 2019 My wife asked me to pass her lip balm. I gave her superglue instead. She's still not talking to me. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted January 4, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 4, 2019 A helpful soldier got me back in my car after I'd locked myself out. He simply pressed his thigh against the door and it opened. At 1st I was amazed I then noticed he was wearing Khaki trousers! 4 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 13 hours ago, chickenslegs said: Best (worst) joke of the year so far (IMHO). But then I set consistently low standards and it is only January after all. Come on folks we have it in us to set the bar even lower as the virgin limbo dancing actress said to the Bishop! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 Freddie Mercury dies and the Angel Gabriel goes to Freddie and says, ‘Freddie I loved your music so much I want you to go back downstairs. Obviously you can’t go back as Freddie Mercury or else you’ll be missed in heaven, and recognised back down there, so you’ve got to pick to be someone else and I’ll put you down as him.’ So Freddie has a think and he says, ‘Angel Gabriel, I would like to be an English Premier League goalkeeper.’ The Angel Gabriel turns round and says, ‘What a strange choice, you could be anyone kind of person in the world, why do you want to be a Goalkeeper?’ Freddie says, ‘It’s quite simple. I’ll have eleven a*seholes in front of me and thousands of dicks behind!’ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 (edited) Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making you a baby brother or sister. The little boy said, "Well, can you turn mummy over, I'd much rather have a puppy." Edited January 5, 2019 by scottiejohn 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 Two kids were arguing in the playground. "My dad's a better darts player than your dad," said the first boy. "No he ain't," said the second boy. "My dad got the highest score last week." "OK, OK, but my mum's better than your mum." "Yeah, alright, you win!" "My dad says the same thing." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted January 5, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 5, 2019 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kickstart Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 Murphy was sitting down at work eating his lunch, cheese sandwich's, he takes a bite and says, "I hate cheese sandwiches same every day, been having them for years." Three weeks later Murphy kills himself, in his last note he says I killed my self because of cheese sandwiches. At his wake all his friends and family are they, his wife was talking to another family relation, and says, "I can not understand it he killed himself because of his cheese sandwiches, he uses to make his own sandwiches." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) A young blonde is encouraged to broaden her horizons, in more ways than one, by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons it's time for her first jump, so that afternoon she and her instructor go up in a plane. The instructor tells her not to worry because he'll jump straight after her and quickly race to catch her up. So the blonde jumps out, pulls her rip cord and heads gently for earth. A moment later the instructor jumps out but when he pulls his rip cord nothing happens and within seconds he passes his pupil. "Oh no you don't," says the blonde on seeing his instructor race pass. "You didn't tell me it was a race to the bottom." At that, she undoes her parachute and shouts gleefully, "Last one home is a sissy." just as the instructor deployed his reserve chute. Edited January 6, 2019 by scottiejohn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2019 There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece to keep. The boy always chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of laughter. "See," they would say. "He always picks the 10p because it's bigger. He's so thick." On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and questioned him. "I'm sure you know 10p isn't worth as much as 20p, is it really because it's bigger?" "Of course not," whispered the boy, "but if I stopped picking the 10p they'd stop playing the trick on me!" 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2019 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 One day while on traffic control in a quiet rural area, a policeman flags down a car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being driven by a beautiful young blonde. "Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your licence and insurance please?" "Oh dear," replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these, officer?" and she hands him some documents from her bag. "That's right, Miss, won't be a moment", and with that he walks over to his car to radio in the details. "I know this woman," comes the reply, are you in a quiet area?" “Yes he replies it is really quiet at the moment”. "Great then. Just go back over to her and ask her if she has had a drink recently. She will say yes so just take your trousers down when you get her into the back of your car." "What the <deleted> are you talking about?" says the policeman over the radio to the control room in amazement. "Don't worry, just do as I say, it'll be fine, you’ll see" So the policeman returns to the woman's car, hands back her documents and at the same time asks if she has had a drink recently. She immediately confirms that she has so he escorts her to his car where he drops his trousers whereupon she exclaims! "Oh wow, not another breathalyser test." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted January 6, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2019 I tried to persuade my girlfriend to have sex on the hood of my Honda Civic…but she refused. She said: "If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord". And now she isn’t talking to me because, apparently, I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday… 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted January 6, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2019 My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she's in for a shock. I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbor is dead against it. 4 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post chickenslegs Posted January 6, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 6, 2019 There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “I rounded them up.” Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river? But it was only three feet deep - on average. Not all math puns are bad. Just sum. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) 9 hours ago, chickenslegs said: I tried to persuade my girlfriend to have sex on the hood of my Honda Civic…but she refused. You should have explained to her it was her "civic duty" to satisfy your needs! PS; Try telling her that you are trading the civic in for a Pick Up and see what happens. Edited January 7, 2019 by scottiejohn 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver's door. They stopped and confronted him. "Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car?" "Of course I am, officer," he slurred. "I'm in no state to walk." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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