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"How many Thai Visa members does it take to change a light bulb?" One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing

An Amish family decides to go to New York for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son.   They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the

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One day while on traffic control in a quiet rural area, a policeman flags down a car for speeding. As he walks up to the car he sees it is being driven by a beautiful young blonde. 
"Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your licence and insurance please?" 
"Oh dear," replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these, officer?" and she hands him some documents from her bag. 
"That's right, Miss, won't be a moment", and with that he walks over to his car to radio in the details. 
"I know this woman," comes the reply, are you in a quiet area?"
“Yes he replies it is really quiet at the moment”.
"Great then.  Just go back over to her and ask her if she has had a drink recently.  She will say yes so just take your trousers down when you get her into the back of your car." 
"What the <deleted> are you talking about?" says the policeman over the radio to the control room in amazement. 
"Don't worry, just do as I say, it'll be fine, you’ll see" 
So the policeman returns to the woman's car, hands back her documents and at the same time asks if she has had a drink recently.  She immediately confirms that she has so he escorts her to his car where he drops his trousers whereupon she exclaims!

 

"Oh wow, not another breathalyser test." 

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9 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I tried to persuade my girlfriend to have sex on the hood of my Honda Civic…but she refused.

You should have explained to her it was her "civic duty" to satisfy your needs!

 

PS;  Try telling her that you are trading the civic in for a Pick Up and see what happens.

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The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver's door. They stopped and confronted him. 
"Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car?" 
"Of course I am, officer," he slurred.

 

"I'm in no state to walk." 
 

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An Irish man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change. 
"You went through all that just to protect a few coins?" they asked amazed. 
"Oh I see," said the man.

 

"For a while I thought you were after the £500 hidden in my left shoe." 

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My girlfriend (an air hostess) took me for a ride in her sports car.

We parked up in a quiet spot and started to cuddle.

I said to her “How high off the ground is this car?”

She says "I don't know, 4 inches?".

Being quite the wit, I seductively asked her “How would you like to join the 4 inch Club?” 

She looked at me and said......"Oh, I think I’m already a member".

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A man ran into a Botox clinic, opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

Nobody looked surprised.

 

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

 

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.

Serves him right.

 

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

 

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."

I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

 

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

 

 

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On 12/19/2018 at 3:57 PM, scottiejohn said:

A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any ’gators around here?”

 

 “Naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!”

 

 Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the ’gators?”

 

 “We didn’t do anything,” said the beachcomber. “The sharks got ’em.”  

Punchline #2: Never really had salt water gators here, millions of crocs though.

 

True fact.  https://www.nps.gov/ever/learn/nature/crocodile.htm

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Alisdair Biggar, a 5 foot 2 inch Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force.

 

The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?'

 

'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but back home we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'

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