Lacessit Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 3 hours ago, scottiejohn said: Groan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravip Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Congratulations everyone for providing a good laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ravip Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Bummer of a birthmark, Hal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. The gamekeeper shouts, “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s <deleted> ’n’ pish.” The man replies, “My good fellow, I’m English. Be a good chap and repeat that in the Queen’s English.” The gamekeeper replies, “I said use both hands – you get more that way.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 The immortal exchange from M#A#S#H Major Frank Burns: " I don't understand why people instantly dislike me". Trapper John: " It saves time, Frank". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carib Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carib Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 “Why won’t Donald Trump be attending midnight mass this year?" "Fake pews.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 MORE GROANARAMA BAAAD ONE LINERS AS REQUESTED BY CROSSY Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost. Why did Santa go to jail? He sleighed an elf. I love when candy canes are in mint condition. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws! what do you call an elf that can sing? A wrapper. What type of Christmas dessert shouldn’t you trust? Mince spies! Santa was forced to attend a Christmas party because his presents was required. The North Pole doesn't import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient. Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a bit. Reindeer don't go to public school, they’re elf taught. Santa Claus' favorite swimming spot is the North Pool. What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents? Santa Pause! The Turkey wasn't hungry at Christmas because he was already stuffed. What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis. “What is Santa’s favourite pizza?” "One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.” “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” “My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.” “Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? "A Mince Spy.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Hands up those who sang the words to themselves and added another line themselves! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacessit Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 New Zealand folk song We three kings of Orient are One on a tractor, two in a car One on a scooter Tooting his hooter Following yonder star Oh, oh Star of wonder Star of light Star of bewdy, she'll be right Star of glory, that's the story Following yonder star . .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonah Tenner Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billd766 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 39 minutes ago, Lacessit said: New Zealand folk song We three kings of Orient are One on a tractor, two in a car One on a scooter Tooting his hooter Following yonder star Oh, oh Star of wonder Star of light Star of bewdy, she'll be right Star of glory, that's the story Following yonder star . .. The one I remember was We four Beatles of Liverpool are, Paul in a taxi, John in a car, George on a scooter, beeping his hooter, Following Ringo Star. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 What kind of motor bike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson. How did Scrooge score a winning goal? The ghost of Christmas passed. Why did no-one bid for Blitzen and Rudolph on eBay? Because they were two deer. What is Good King Wenceslaus's favourite pizza? One that is deep-pan, crisp and even. What prize did Frosty the Snowman win? Best in snow. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas? Because she's trying to bring back Chequers (*1) Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet (*2) What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence (*3) When do sheep practise their new dance? While shepherds watched them floss by night. What's the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born? The stable has had some wise men in it. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much? She's always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas? Suits Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett's Christmas party? She misjudged the strength of the punch Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper What's the biggest complaint about Network Rail's Christmas seasoning? They keep changing the thyme (*4) Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he's tired of being in the single market (Brexit connection) What's the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas? Harry and Meghan's wedding preacher What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey? Shred sauce Who won the North Pole Love Island? Dani Deer NOTES FOR NON BRITS (*1) Brexit agreement AKA Chequers agreement in an earlier version (*2) (Debenhams has gone bankrupt(ish) (*3) Green is accused of sexual harassment of his staff and paying for silence ala Trump (*4) New Railway timetable fiasco Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenslegs Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottiejohn Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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