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The baaad Christmas jokes thread - old, new, recycled we don't care, they just have to be bad!

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A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.


The gamekeeper shouts, “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s <deleted> ’n’ pish.”

The man replies, “My good fellow, I’m English. Be a good chap and repeat that in the Queen’s English.”

The gamekeeper replies, “I said use both hands – you get more that way.”


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Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
Why did Santa go to jail? He sleighed an elf.
I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
what do you call an elf that can sing? A wrapper.
What type of Christmas dessert shouldn’t you trust? Mince spies!
Santa was forced to attend a Christmas party because his presents was required.
The North Pole doesn't import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.
Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a bit.
Reindeer don't go to public school, they’re elf taught.
Santa Claus' favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents? Santa Pause!
The Turkey wasn't hungry at Christmas because he was already stuffed.

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.

“What is Santa’s favourite pizza?” "One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.” 

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”

“My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.” 
“Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? "A Mince Spy.” 

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