The baaad Christmas jokes thread - old, new, recycled we don't care, they just have to be bad!

[scottiejohn 8,031]

[Lacessit 11,329]

[Lacessit 11,329]

[Lacessit 11,329]

New Zealand folk song

 

We three kings of Orient are
One on a tractor, two in a car
One on a scooter
Tooting his hooter
Following yonder star

Oh, oh
Star of wonder
Star of light
Star of bewdy, she'll be right
Star of glory, that's the story
Following yonder star . ..

[Jonah Tenner 577]

[billd766 23,133]

39 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

New Zealand folk song

 

We three kings of Orient are
One on a tractor, two in a car
One on a scooter
Tooting his hooter
Following yonder star

Oh, oh
Star of wonder
Star of light
Star of bewdy, she'll be right
Star of glory, that's the story
Following yonder star . ..

The one I remember was 

 

We four Beatles of Liverpool are,
Paul in a taxi, John in a car,
George on a scooter, beeping his hooter,
Following Ringo Star.

[chickenslegs 11,256]

[chickenslegs 11,256]

What kind of motor bike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson.

 

How did Scrooge score a winning goal?

The ghost of Christmas passed.

 

Why did no-one bid for Blitzen and Rudolph on eBay?

Because they were two deer.

 

What is Good King Wenceslaus's favourite pizza?

One that is deep-pan, crisp and even.

 

What prize did Frosty the Snowman win?

Best in snow.

 

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

[scottiejohn 8,031]

 

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off.

Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas? Because she's trying to bring back Chequers  (*1)
Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet (*2) 
What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence (*3)
When do sheep practise their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night.

What's the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born? The stable has had some wise men in it.

Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much? She's always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas? Suits

Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett's Christmas party? She misjudged the strength of the punch

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper

What's the biggest complaint about Network Rail's Christmas seasoning? They keep changing the thyme (*4)

Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he's tired of being in the single market (Brexit connection)

What's the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas? Harry and Meghan's wedding preacher

What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey? Shred sauce

Who won the North Pole Love Island? Dani Deer 

 

 

NOTES FOR NON BRITS

(*1) Brexit agreement AKA Chequers agreement in an earlier version

(*2) (Debenhams has gone bankrupt(ish)

(*3) Green is accused of sexual harassment of his staff and paying for silence ala Trump

(*4) New Railway timetable fiasco 

 

[chickenslegs 11,256]

[chickenslegs 11,256]

[Daffy D 1,595]

[chickenslegs 11,256]

[chickenslegs 11,256]

[scottiejohn 8,031]