I'm scared of having kids

[Moonlover]

2 hours ago, robblok said:

I never wanted kids and previous wife said she did not want them. In the end she changed her mind and it ended our relationship.

 

I would never take kids if I was not 100% sure about having them. You should want them otherwise it could be a nightmare for you and the kid. Nobody not you nor the kid needs problems like that.

 

Not everyone should have kids though people will look at you funny when you say such a thing. 

Exactly the same happened to me. The 1st time around I was far too young made a lousy job of parenting.

 

When it came to the second wife, We both agreed parenting was not for us. But after 5 years just like you she changed her mind and that started the decline. And might be worth noting that we were at about the same ages as the O/P and his wife are right now.

 

I read the O/Ps post twice and noted that something was missing. How does the O/Ps wife feel about this? It's not only men that can be reluctant to be parents. Women can be too and there is no mention of her feelings.

 

My final comment echoes other comments on this thread. I am very critical of the standard of parenting in this country. Passing children around from carer to carer is no way to raise kids and the results, very sadly, speak for themselves.

 

My bottom line is 'if you cannot devote the time, love and energy to raising your kids yourself, DON'T DO IT'.

[roo860]

A lot of kids sent back to grandma, known a few instances when a kid thought their mother was their sister.

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[TallGuyJohninBKK]

2 minutes ago, roo860 said:

A lot of kids sent back to grandma, known a few instances when a kid thought their mother was their sister.

 

More than a "few" I'd say.  In some circles here, I'd say that experience with young, fobbed off kids is COMMON!  The real mom is never/rarely there... What else would a young kid know...

 

[roo860]

 
More than a "few" I'd say.  In some circles here, I'd say that experience with young, fobbed off kids is COMMON!  The real mom is never/rarely there... What else would a young kid know...
 

Quite agree.

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[Ctkong]

Having kids is a responsible decision. If you believed yourself and missus to be a good person and have good genes to pass on down to your kids to make the world a better place, and if you have the economic means to do so, then you have my blessing. 

Having kids opens up a different chapter or phase of your character. It makes you appreciate your own childhood more and also to experience the world thru a child’s eyes with all its wonders. I start visiting the zoos with my kids  more times than when I was a kid and enjoy it very much through their interactions. So you can say that having a kid will open your eyes to nature’s wonder and living thru it with your eyes open.  

[akirasan]

15 minutes ago, Moonlover said:

I read the O/Ps post twice and noted that something was missing. How does the O/Ps wife feel about this? It's not only men that can be reluctant to be parents. Women can be too and there is no mention of her feelings.

Oh yeah sorry we have talked about it before and she does want kids and she's great with them. I have no doubt she'd make a terrific mum/mom.

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

11 minutes ago, akirasan said:

Oh yeah sorry we have talked about it before and she does want kids and she's great with them. I have no doubt she'd make a terrific mum/mom.

 

BTW, I commend the OP for raising the topic and giving it worthy discussion and consideration.

 

Everyone -- the world, Thailand, members of ThaiVisa -- would be better off if all adults gave careful thought and consideration to their personal decisions on whether or not to have children in advance, instead of after the fact.

 

[RotBenz8888]

48 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

A couple of things the OP may want to consider:

 

1/ His wife's chances of having a Downs' Syndrome child are significantly increased in her thirties. Unless of course it is aborted. A Downs child is a life sentence for the parents.

 

2/ Does he really want to be in his fifties/sixties attempting to deal with a teenager/young adult?

 

Not all people can be good parents. There's no training manual. If he doesn't feel he can cope, he shouldn't do it.

My wife was 35 when she got pregnant with our second child. We took a NIPT test at Chula, think it was 15 000B. It picks up child DNA from the mothers blood and tell with very high accuracy if the baby has trisomy 21(Down) trisomy 13 and trisomy 18.

Of course, one must be prepared for a possible abortion, should the test come out patologic.

[jvs]

39 minutes ago, akirasan said:

Oh yeah sorry we have talked about it before and she does want kids and she's great with them. I have no doubt she'd make a terrific mum/mom.

Make your decision soon,if she really does want kids and you don't it will be the end of the relationship.

Do not be selffish and if you do not want kids let her go so she can find her happiness.

You two need to talk.

[4MyEgo]

I live with 4 kids ranging from 4 to 14 so I feel well equipped to provide some responses because you asked, oh and in case you haven't been told, kids do sleep for 8-10 hours a day ????

 

Some replies to some of you indirect questions below: 

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

I'm 41 and my wife is approaching her mid 30s. I've been in Thailand and we've been married for almost 3 years. We've known each other for probably over 10 years so I feel pretty stable in our relationship and we're doing ok financially.

I am 58 my wife is 37 and we had been living in Sydney Australia for 9 years prior to moving here 3 years ago as planned for my retirement. We are definatiley stable in our relationship and financially very good when compared to living here Vs living in Sydney.

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

But I see how happy she is when she is around kids.

That is a good sign, remember, there are two of you in this relationship and 90% of couples reproduce, naturally, i.e. its a way of life, that said, when I met my wife, I had a child from a previous relationship who was 9 when she met my wife, now approaching 22 and my wife assumed the role of mum number 2 when my daughter was in our care, (which was a blessing) and I am totally grateful to her and my daughter as they have a very good relationship, I come 3rd.

 

I remember having the role of a single dad when she was 18 months, compliments of my X, and for that, I cannot say thank you enough times to my X, as opposed as to being totally bitter, otherwise I would not be here with this incredible being with our own offsprings, my wife also had twin boys, they were 3 when she came to live with me in Sydney, the twins stayed here, it was something we discussed and agreed on that it would be best for all concerned, as we would be returning here to live when I turned 55, and as they have a huge family network with loads of support, we assumed it would work out well for the boys and us, and she would see them twice a year ranging from 1 to 3 months each time, and I would send some coin for the boys to be looked after, although they seldom benefited from it, that said, it took here a while to turn the boys around when we got here, e.g. ever heard the saying, allow a dog to stray and it will, well the boys did, and I immediately assumed the role of their father which the wife appreciates dearly, and there is nothing wrong with a lot of discipline from both parents to bring them in line, and they have the utmost respect for both their mother and pappa (the only one they have known) now, although discipline doesn't come on it's own, one has to constantly explain to them why they are being disciplined and the benefits of it.

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

I have some real reservations about it.

Naturally you should, but that said, you should discuss this at length with your wife, and be open and allow her to reach you, as my wife did when she said to me that she wanted to have children, I was 47 when we had our first daughter, now 9 and did not wish to remarry or have children, but when I met her, I knew I had to marry her, well that's the only way she could stay in the country, as for the kids, well, she said she wanted to have kids with me because she felt it would be the natural thing and as I discussed with her that I felt I was too old and didn't want to go through it again, she said, it's different this time and that she would take care of the baby, i.e. I didn't have to do anything, "deal done" and has been true to her word to date, number 2 followed when I was 53, same deal......lol

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

For one, when I hear a baby crying or screaming it's like nails on a chalkboard.

I have always been the opposite, I love the sound of a crying baby, they don't cry for nothing and it doesn't take long to pacify them, I remember always talking too them, as soon as they hear your voice they will stop, i.e. unless they are in pain or are sick, but will stop eventually when you find out what the problem is, like I said, they don't cry for nothing, it's their way of communicating, so get your radar ready to detect.

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

Secondly, I worry how we can raise a child given that we both work full time.

That's a tough one, I have always said that a child needs a parent home with them until they reach school age and I have stood by that till today, forget grandparents, and the like, however you did say you are financial, so I don't see a problem and as your wife is a school teacher, perhaps some tutoring after school if you need some extra cash to make up any shortfall ?

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

I work from home I have to concentrate on my job during the day.

I also worked from home, although I would be out in the field for a couple of hours before returning and it was never a problem as you will find the wife will make things comfortable for you, i.e. the 2nd or 3rd bedroom come in handy, get used to it, as my wife gets woken up at around midnight and disappears for the rest of the night, only to be found in the 4 year olds bed in the morning, and I love this king size bed.....lol

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

Her mother she said she would help out but she is old and I don't want to burden her. Her neighbours and her cousins in the next village offered to help too so I know we'd have no shortage of babysitters and I know that's how things are done here but I'm not entirely comfortable leaving it up to other people.

You will need to accept them all wanting to be mothers again and want to care for the bub when it is young, not for too long and never overnight, I would never allow our daughter to be alone with any family members, let alone our sons in the house, some may call that possessive or paranoid, and they can do what they want with their kids, we as parents have discussed this and have both agreed that having this policy means it reduces any unforeseen risk/drama's/harm to our daughters, the girls have one set or two sets of eyes on them 24/7, anything less than that would be irresponsible IMO as overprotective parents, if you like.

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

I'm not in any great hurry to build. But I think we should get that sorted out first.

You can build a small bungalow to start with, then extend as we did when we moved here, but make the plan work for you, i.e. no disruptions to your bungalow when the extension works commence, e.g. our bungalow was 64m2, a good size one bedder with an outside verandah of 21m2, when we extended the house, the verandah was incorporated into the extension (house) which is 320m2 in total area now, remember 4 kids here ????

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

Her mother said she will give us some land to build on but it's right next to her house and to be frank, I'm happier having a couple of km between us. There's nothing wrong with her, I just like doing my own thing. 

That's a non no, a bloke I know did that, the land wasn't transferred and the mother in-law borrowed on the house after it was built to support her gambling habits, he his wife and kids now live in rental accommodation.

 

I have never really had any issues with my outlaws or sister-outlaws as they live in the same village 400 and 800 metres apart, but that's as close as it gets, and my wife understands that we enjoy our privacy so has made it clear how farangs like it, special occasions fine, although she will see them with the kids once a week and a couple of times, 3 times a week for her papaya for lunch.

 

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

So I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess I just want to get it out, maybe hear from other people who have raised kids in Thailand about what their experiences have been like, any challenges they've faced, how their life is now etc..

Life is but a dream, although you do have some control on it, so add some kids into your life, enjoy them while they are young, embrace their mother because there is nothing in this life like family, with that comes everything else, noise, privacy issues, others pi$$ing you off, like teachers cutting their hair etc etc etc, but remember, life is not perfect, and if you do decide to have some kids, just chill and become the giver, and make sure you have their backs financially, always maintain your finances, invest only what your prepared to lose and have a plan B exit strategy....lol ????

 

Good luck

 

 

[RotBenz8888]

3 hours ago, akirasan said:

For one, when I hear a baby crying or screaming it's like nails on a chalkboard.

I had exactly the same "problem" before i had my own kids. My horror used to be the shock having to sit next to a family with screaming kids on a long haul flight. Now days it doesn't bother me as it used to. My ears seem to have adapted.
On the other hand, i can't take the loud music in shopping malls etc, anymore. So,  i haven't turned less sensitive to noise in general, that's for sure.????

[akirasan]

3 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

I live with 4 kids ranging from 4 to 14 so I feel well equipped to provide some responses because you asked, oh and in case you haven't been told, kids do sleep for 8-10 hours a day ????

Thanks mate, your reply has made me feel a lot better about the situation honestly.

And thanks to everybody else who's chimed in, you've all given me some extremely helpful advice, some of it invaluable. 

Anyway, keep the responses coming as it's interesting reading about everyone's thoughts and experience.
 

[richard_smith237]

Op: given the thought going into your post, you’re the type of person who’d make a great parent... 

 

Don’t over think it - life is to be enjoyed, my Wife and I still do what we want to do (for the most part) and our life is complimented by our son, not controlled by it. He’s a good boy (5 years old), we travel a lot, do a lot...  the only limitation now is school holidays & early dinners! 

 

Being a parent takes effort, but to be honest, any aspect of an enjoyable & successful life takes effort. Enjoying the riches of a beautiful child is a complete game changer, the goal post shift, priorities change, from my point of view it’s incredible! 

 

Enjoy the ride... 

[richard_smith237]

15 minutes ago, RotBenz8888 said:

I had exactly the same "problem" before i had my own kids. My horror used to be the shock having to sit next to a family with screaming kids on a long haul flight. Now days it doesn't bother me as it used to. My ears seem to have adapted.
On the other hand, i can't take the loud music in shopping malls etc, anymore. So,  i haven't turned less sensitive to noise in general, that's for sure.????

 

Same here... unnecessary noise !!!

 

Though travelling long haul with my son has always been a breeze...(25 flights before his 1st B’day)... 

 

I think much of a child’s behaviour comes down to the discipline of the parents and how unstressed they are..   

[RichardColeman]

I was in thailand for 8 months and I was quite litearlly given a baby girl by some student I had never met before. I would not be without her now, and bring her up as my own daughter. Kids can be a handful at times, but any parent know that a kid's smile can make up for most grief they bring. And besides - when your old and your wife dies, who will push you around in your wheelchair to the local 7/11 !

[marcusarelus]

13 minutes ago, RichardColeman said:

I was in thailand for 8 months and I was quite litearlly given a baby girl by some student I had never met before. I would not be without her now, and bring her up as my own daughter. Kids can be a handful at times, but any parent know that a kid's smile can make up for most grief they bring. And besides - when your old and your wife dies, who will push you around in your wheelchair to the local 7/11 !

If I'm old when my wife dies I'll be 120 when she reaches 80. 

[chickenslegs]

30 minutes ago, RichardColeman said:

And besides - when your old and your wife dies, who will push you around in your wheelchair to the local 7/11 !

With any luck (and if you still have a few baht), it will be your stunning new 20-year old bride.

[kannot]

4 hours ago, roo860 said:

I reckon you could buy her a t shirt, that one looks like mine did when I was a welder!!

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Photo is 3  months  old, shes  had many new  things including and ice  cream birthday cake a  new and first  bicycle, new  shoes etc

They have only been with us 3-4 months

[kannot]

3 hours ago, TallGuyJohninBKK said:

 

And the other facet of that issue is, a lot of the high childbirth populations/regions are those where the populations are poor and in otherwise challenged conditions, meaning the upbringing of the kids is not likely to be so good. It's tending to take bad situations, and make them even worse by adding to the population burden (child birth beyond population replacement levels).

What the world needs is  more decent  people not  what seems to be a load of old crud these days. Honest, hard working types.

[chickenslegs]

2 minutes ago, kannot said:

Photo is 3  months  old, shes  had many new  things including and ice  cream birthday cake a  new and first  bicycle, new  shoes etc

They have only been with us 3-4 months

She has a great big smile on her face - and that is a better gift than any new T shirt.

[OneMoreFarang]

2 hours ago, Ctkong said:

Having kids is a responsible decision. If you believed yourself and missus to be a good person and have good genes to pass on down to your kids to make the world a better place, and if you have the economic means to do so, then you have my blessing. 

Having kids opens up a different chapter or phase of your character. It makes you appreciate your own childhood more and also to experience the world thru a child’s eyes with all its wonders. I start visiting the zoos with my kids  more times than when I was a kid and enjoy it very much through their interactions. So you can say that having a kid will open your eyes to nature’s wonder and living thru it with your eyes open.  

I have the same experience with my Thai girlfriend, who could be my daughter. Going with her to the zoo is a lot of fun.

It seems lots of parents enjoy some time with their kids. But it seems all parents also agree it's a lot of work, headache and costs a fortune.

[GreasyFingers]

I think post #40 summed up the positives very well but my mate's father was one of the wisest, practical men I have ever met. He always told us if you are going to have children, have them young. My mate did not follow his fathrer's advice and his (similar age to the OP) children have been nothing but grief, but admittedly mostly because of his now X.

[brewsterbudgen]

It's never too late - I assumed I'd be childless for my whole life, then hooked up with a 25 year old and became a dad at 55. I don't regret it for a minute, although I wish I was 20 years younger!

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[BritManToo]

55 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

But it seems all parents also agree it's a lot of work, headache and costs a fortune.

I'm a parent, and I don't agree.

After the first 4 years they mostly run themselves, drop off at school 7:30am, collect at 5pm

I've had no headaches with mine, and spent hardly any money on them.

The 7 year old has been watching Youtube videos all day (it's educational and expands his English vocab), hardly seen him, he pops his head out every now and then to demand food.

(The 20 year old costs a bit at university, 30-40Kbht a year, but that's only for four years)

[GreasyFingers]

2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I'm a parent, and I don't agree.

After the first 4 years they mostly run themselves, drop off at school 7:30am, collect at 5pm

I've had no headaches with mine, and spent hardly any money on them.

(The 20 year old costs a bit at university, 30-40Kbht a year, but that's only for four years)

You miserable sod. I spend that much on a 16 yo going to a government school.

[Mavideol]

5 hours ago, roo860 said:

I reckon you could buy her a t shirt, that one looks like mine did when I was a welder!!

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come on, it's free A/C all day around 55555

[OneMoreFarang]

1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

I'm a parent, and I don't agree.

After the first 4 years they mostly run themselves, drop off at school 7:30am, collect at 5pm

I've had no headaches with mine, and spent hardly any money on them.

(The 20 year old costs a bit at university, 30-40Kbht a year, but that's only for four years)

I know some guys with kids who spend more than half a million per kid per year in school in Thailand.

Maybe there are some good and not so expensive options. But it seems many people, at least if they can afford it, spend a fortune on education.

[BritManToo]

12 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I know some guys with kids who spend more than half a million per kid per year in school in Thailand.

Maybe there are some good and not so expensive options. But it seems many people, at least if they can afford it, spend a fortune on education.

My kid is top of her class in everything, has been since high school, spending money doesn't equal educated children.

Not to mention, it appears to me the more money you spend on your kids, the less they like you.

[AlexRich]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. But I do think there is something unfair in marrying a women who does want to be a mother, that is a pretty selfish act in my view. You would have been better off being single and only going out with women that have no interest in children. A potential problem is that your wife will resent you if she goes beyond child bearing age and the option is gone forever.

[villagefarang]

In my opinion, you could turn that around and say it is unfair for a woman who wants to have children to marry a man who doesn’t, just to trick him or force to have kids and to pay for them the rest of his life.