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I worry daughter is to generous to Mom and family.


Elkski

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1 hour ago, kensisaket said:

Allotting 3000 baht a month for mom is not realistic. 

I give my former Mil 3,000bht/month (nothing this month because she's here visiting the kids for the school holidays).

In exchange she gave her farm to my son, got rid of the wife but kept the farm and kid, and Mil. 

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4 hours ago, myshem said:

If you choose such an old woman, why not trying to find an orphan ? Since I only do the ones with as little family as possible my life is easier, and I am all what they expect and hope, as I am the only one in their life.

It's easy to find 40 years old women with dead parents, just try more !

 

'I only do the ones'.  Gee I bet the Thai girls are beating a path to your front door. 

Any wonder the Thais hate some farang? What an attitude and sad outlook on life.

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3 minutes ago, emptypockets said:

'I only do the ones'.  Gee I bet the Thai girls are beating a path to your front door. 

Any wonder the Thais hate some farang? What an attitude and sad outlook on life.

I only do the ones that weigh less than 50Kg.

Don't care about how many family members they have, unless they're female and under 50Kg they won't be getting any money.

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I seriously doubt if some of the posters here have been to Thailand at all,  it if they have they have only been to Pattaya.  If you think a 41 year old Thai lady is old you really have no idea.  In our extended family there are two, twin, Thai ladies of 40 years old.  They are beautiful and could hold their own against other women much younger than themselves.  One just go married. If I wasn't married I'd have a crack at the other one. 

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2 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I only do the ones that weigh less than 50Kg.

Don't care about how many family members they have, unless they're female and under 50Kg they won't be getting any money.

I guess the customer is always right. 

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4 minutes ago, emptypockets said:

If you think a 41 year old Thai lady is old you really have no idea.

I think all 41 year old women are old, how else would you class a group/class of people that  can no longer breed?

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Gov care is for Thai poor people not just gov employees....

 

your GF is being used by her family b/c she can....whisk her away to paradise w/ no phone or internet connection....don’t support a dead beat family!

 

 

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1 hour ago, emptypockets said:

I seriously doubt if some of the posters here have been to Thailand at all,  it if they have they have only been to Pattaya.  If you think a 41 year old Thai lady is old you really have no idea.  In our extended family there are two, twin, Thai ladies of 40 years old.  They are beautiful and could hold their own against other women much younger than themselves.  One just go married. If I wasn't married I'd have a crack at the other one. 

i sort of got interested in the twins right up until you said one was married

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Thanks guys.  Some good advice.   It seems like family size and financial status and being over 40 many have said she will be set in her ways.   Stubborn and opinionated.   I can do better. 

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4 hours ago, Elkski said:

Thanks guys.  Some good advice.   It seems like family size and financial status and being over 40 many have said she will be set in her ways.   Stubborn and opinionated.   I can do better. 

No surprise there then - good luck - I feel the same is possibly true for lady - win win 😃

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I'm sure there are plenty of stupid farang she could find.  Some more rich and generous than me. 

It's so odd that if man is cautious he is criticized.   And if a man gave the farm away and is crying he is told how stupid he was.    

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On 3/17/2019 at 5:19 AM, Elkski said:

We are talking about  9-15k a quarter .   But that means I'm thinking 9 and she is thinking 15. 

What supplement food items are you sending?   

 

I do worry about the family emergency. Sure gets mad because I talk bad about her family when I ask and try to plan for something that hasn't happened. 

 

I guess the fact that I'm having these conversations with this women is a big red flag. She has admitted to feeling the need to send mom money and has a long history of this on her own. 

 

I guess this is revealing my selfishness to her and you guys. So be it.   I have thought I should tell her whatever we send your mother we will send mine.  So we will have to eat out 8 times a month less of course I don't like to eat out two times a month so you will be cooking every night.   There are two daughters and supposedly they would inherit the farm.  I want to tell her if she donates more to Mom than her sister she should get more land then her sister. Maybe I should tell her we can make arrangements for the money we send Mom that is more than your sister sendwe buy more land each month. 

This is how my stingy logical mind works.  I guess currently they don't discuss how much each sibling gives mom.   

and I should add it does not appear the amount of money she has given is based on Mom's asking or needs.  It's more a face generosity thing. and when I asked why doesn't the farm make enough money she says it loses money but it provides rice for all the family to eat.  so I will be paying for how many people's bags of rice in the village and family?  But this type of logic doesn't work I'm pretty sure.

We have owned a rice farm for years and it is exactly as you describe.

 

The farm makes enough rice to feed an extended family of 100+ every year, with some left over to sell.

 

We have never expected a profit and have never received anything from this farm aside from the satisfaction of feeding the family.

 

It seems every year at planting time we also cover the cost of the seed, fertilizer, machinery etc

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On 3/17/2019 at 6:44 AM, Elkski said:

Skally and Jay thanks very much.  

I am putting my engineering training and frugal nature into this.  I know many say just follow your heart.  

I am retired although working like a dog as that goes.  Living in Utah of all places to put down roots.  

I am considering racking a few more years of work if I do bring a woman to USA.  I do see myself moving to the woman's home country after more confidence exist in a relationship.  

Some additional facts I've learned just now. Mom has a very big family like 13 brothers and sisters only a few are alive now. My girlfriend's mom has no grandchildren but lots of her siblings have grandchildren.  The village helps harvest mom's rice and gets 40% take.  Mom doesn't sell any of her 60 bags of rice because she gives it away to family. From my prior research into rice farming and talking to other women about their harvests and prices I know rice was about 10 baht a kilogram and rice bags 60 kg. You're probably seeing where I'm going with this logic.  yes my rough calculations are mom is giving away 25 to 35 thousand baht of rice each year. these calculations may be off but the point is my girlfriend is paying for everybody's rice as well as all the drinks for her brother and sister who do not contribute much to Mom.   I actually think the 40-60 split is too favorable for the village people. I don't think the village would be too happy to hear we are hiring outside company to harvest the rice and Mom will be selling her rice this year and in the future.  I don't think my thought process and Thailand will be a very good match.  As painful as I feel right now I think I'm going to have to cut this woman. 

Additionally I observed many of the village cows grazing on Mom's land last songkran.  When I asked about this and inquired if people pay to graze on Mom's land she said no everyone kind of shares things in the village.  I personally saw her give out about 20,000 baht during songkran to various people and her mom. I spent 1500 baht to modernize mom sink with a sprayer and high faucet that other villagers wanted to copy. I love to go to market and we bought seafood and helped cook  dinner for about 15 people. I spent most of two days of my time learning how to harvest bamboo to make repairs to bamboo chairs her late father made 15 years ago. I supposedly was the first farang in that village much less her bedroom.   I met this woman over a year ago. and we have been conversing for that much time and I have visited her four different trips since.  I have no doubt she has sent some number between 3000 and 10000 bought a month 4 more than 10 years. This represents from 30 to 50% of her salary. She lives a very austere life as I mentioned earlier. She shares a fan room with no kitchen in BKK. 

I have been inspired by her generosity.  I'm trying to convince her our future , my future must come first.  I just don't think her mind works this way. 

You have to have a desire to marry her and her whole family.

 

If you cannot accept this concept, the relationship will fail.

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On 3/17/2019 at 7:05 AM, Elkski said:

am a cautious man. I may be in love but not blind love.  She maybe special but I know there are many to choose from.  She has lived a very austere life mainly due to sending so much to support mom and or family.  She has 3 siblings,  none have government jobs so mom has no government health care.  It seems my gal is only sibling who gives.  She is a non drinker so it makes me sad to see sister drinking.   And mom.  I have not met two brothers.  But one drinks and Gambles.   He has been real sick 2 times with liver failure.   My logic is that my GF pays for this drinking. 

 

Regardless of the merits of your lady, I'm pretty sure if you go down that road, it's going to be the gift that never stops giving and giving and giving and giving (to her family).... Did I add on enough "givings"???

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On 3/17/2019 at 7:05 AM, Elkski said:

I just don't want her sending 100% of her income back home because I rather have her unemployed and spending time with me if that is the case.  It's not easy planning for 35 years of retirement given all the unknowns but the big unknown is the black hole that can be an Isaan family.  

 

Just FWIW, I made an agreement with my then GF/now wife when we first got together, and we've both kept to it thru the years.

 

I would support her and our life together. But it was up to her, and her earnings, to whatever extent she wanted to support her parents and siblings, which she has done all along with part of her own salary.

 

Neither she nor her family have ever asked me for a dime for them, and I've taken care of my wife as promised.

 

It's been an arrangement that's worked out pretty well. Of course, my wife works at a full-time and pretty decent professional job. But I kind of enjoy having the quiet time to myself during the weekday daytimes.

 

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On 3/17/2019 at 8:42 AM, Elkski said:

The topic and intent of this thread was to learn more about this  Thai thing if siblings sending money home to mom.    I haven't said it is a disfunctional family.   Although it surely is notable for me. But I've only met two families. 

Since beginning to travel to Thailand 3 years ago I have begun to realize how lucky my upbringing and life has been. In fact just the other day possibly due to this thread I called my mom up and told her how thankful I was for how well she raised me, always food ,and a nice home.  But we never had aircon or even a swamp cooler in Denver.  How did I survive.  

I have a rather big family of relatives since my mom had six sisters. but in America you may get support in the help of helping out some chores or construction or something but I don't know of any financial assistance of one relative to the other outside of individual families.  This is all such a strange concept to me.  I like to think I have developed a very open mind and I try to listen and not rigid in my thinking.  I know to many of you the fact that I am thinking in these terms is very unromantic and almost evil.  but let me tell you none of my engineering projects ever failed they were always one hundred percent successful and I had the lowest scrap rate of any engineer. I learned to Do it right the first time called dirtfoot.

 

DiRTfTS 

One of my bosses added the S for stupid

 

I'm 58.  many people have given me advice.  that I should just move to Thailand find a place enjoy hobbies relax and see what happens. 

other advice was to enjoy my butterfly years and then not worry about  picking one till I'm 65.  

One more thing this woman has never been on a dating site but I think modern social media let's these women see many instances of foreigner(she never say farang) Thai relationships.  She has a few friends who are married to foreigners and living in different countries.  I think through social media these relationships look amazing. We all know our women post their worst pictures and worst days on Facebook and Instagram.   Not.  

Plus a few careless or rich men have really ruined it for the rest of us.  So now many villagers and family think a Foreigner in the family is a gold mine.  

I know many of you are thinking if I'm thinking like this and willing to cut a woman over this reason it must not be real love. I don't know.  when I was 20 you fell in love and got married because we both had the exact same assets and education. It's different now when I'm older than the woman and the asset difference is vast.   I've read all the horror stories on TV of the men in pain and stuck in relationships usually via a child or destitute. I just think I need to make a smart decision and it's easier to decide now.   This is what I see as the weak link in our relationship.  even before I met this woman I had learned enough about Thai culture that I had budgeted three to five thousand bought a month for family.  It's not like a financial plan for 35 years doesn't have some risk of failure so I would like to have extra padding and anyone who knows financial calculations knows you don't want to deplete your principal early on. Do you think I could teach a Thai woman time value of money?

"Plus a few careless or rich men have really ruined it for the rest of us"

 

Some people believe in marriage whether they are marrying a Thai or an Alien.

 

If I had any doubts about wanting to be with my wife, her family and sharing every single thing I have with her, I simply would not be with her.

 

For me, it is worth it because of everything my wife has ever done for me. Changed my entire life around. Love her family to death, does me worlds of emotional good to help them out.

 

Some women are in love and respect their husband for more than an ATM can learn to understand the value of money.

 

The question always remains what kind of relationship do you have?

 

There are some many off kilter relationships discussed here in this forum and I think most people forgot what a normal relationship is.

 

Most of these irrational thoughts come because the farang has very limited income, were always cheap charlies, or just plain married the wrong person and try to have a master slave relationship.

 

There is also the case of rescuing an Isaan women out of complete poverty who seem to me to have much more appreciation for anything than those women that are in their 40's and have always supported themselves.

 

You might be better off finding the former that would appreciate anything at all above extreme poverty.

 

You have to recognize if the woman is looking for a better life at your expense or if she truly wants to be with you?

 

 

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1 hour ago, bwpage3 said:

We have owned a rice farm for years and it is exactly as you describe.

 

The farm makes enough rice to feed an extended family of 100+ every year, with some left over to sell.

 

We have never expected a profit and have never received anything from this farm aside from the satisfaction of feeding the family.

 

It seems every year at planting time we also cover the cost of the seed, fertilizer, machinery etc

Do you still send money to mom?  It is one thing to have enough love to support a wife and her mother but quite another to be supporting 100 family whom probably wouldn't starve without some free rice.   If many of these extended family buy drink and it cigarettes why should I be paying fir that?  Which in essence is happening.  Mom has 13 siblings in this case so a big family indeed.   So what sort of brainwashing does it take for my GF to think it is her duty to support mom and 100+ relatives?  I'm sure Mom enjoys the thank you's but do the family realize who is really giving them the rice?  If mom sold 60 bags of rice that's possibly 24,000 baht.  A entire months wages it not 10% for my GF .  So this equals 240 baht per person.  I think  each of the family can afford  this.   It would be cheaper to leave the farm fallow.  One guy said he sends mom 300-500$ a month.  Good for you but I'm afraid for many of us that is to high of a % of our monthly income.  

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By off kilter relationships do you mean the guys who pay 500$/mo to her parents, or feed 100 people with rice, or let all wife use all her income however she wants??? I agree.   You are probably the same guys who say snarky things at the men who have chosen to rent it. 

I feel I am a fit man  without a beer belly, all my teeth, who has found many SEAsian women whe desire and admire me for things besides money

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