My wifes family have banished me for good.

[Formaleins]

18 hours ago, CharlieH said:

Showing the sole of your foot to someone is indeed considered an insult, (usually to older generation)

I doubt that he or they read anything intentional into the foot malarkey! He was just resting it as so many people do. If he was sticking it in their faces I could understand, but as far as he was going was getting more comfortable - MOST Thais totally understand this and make nothing of it at all and probably find it amusing how the "Farang" sits.

 

These people seem like a bunch of holier than thou's or simply looking for an argument. It would be interesting to see if he can put them into some sort of "Social Class" to better get an idea if it is them being a bunch of CNUTS or that they are so deeply full of their own Thainess that this is their normal behaviour.

 

I have shortish legs and have difficulty folding them under my bum when sitting on a floor, cannot sit for more than 10 minutes, my wife's family are old fashioned Thai and very into temples and the heeby jeebies that go along with spirits and ghosts but they would never ever pull a stunt like that one.

 

If I had that sort of family I would take their photographs and do a collage with numerous pairs of filthy feet dangling over their heads and frame it in the hallway for all to see!

[Benmart]

If you and your wife are happy, I wish you many years of health and prosperity. ????

 

[1FinickyOne]

if someone kept sneezing on your neck you might find it disgusting and say something. You have to be careful with your feet here  

 

there is good chance that you have done other very offensive things too. maybe you call them stupid to your wife and maybe you were one of the 'i aint paying no sin sod.' crew and they dont find you respectful...

 

either way, even if your wife really loves you this is going to be very very hard on her. And though I would want to raise my kid too, there is tremendous value for your child in having a big loving family. 

 

good luck. 

[Tropicalevo]

"one of her cousins took great offence at me resting my foot on my knee in the car as I have long legs and needed to stretch. She said thai people doesnt like this kind of thing and i should show some respect. I basically told her to get stuffed."

 

In Thailand, it is considered very rude to point feet or show the soles of the feet. Just because some Thais are rude does not make it irrelevant.

 

I think that your response above (certainly not very diplomatic) shows that there are issues on both sides.

[transam]

13 hours ago, poohy said:

i have lived 19 years so read all this stuff originally but to be honest it is something i have never come across , my 50 yo thai mrs lies on the settee with her feet up, so  i would really assume its a really old folks thing or some devout more buddhist than buddha or  an argumentative  thai being pedantic.

Now while we are on about feet....What pis**s me of is thais sitting cross legged in restaurants surely thats just as offensive????

Where they show their feet soles to adjacent dinners......

 

OP, the obnoxious bird, is she married to or have a farangy bf (Boy friend, not bloody fool)....?

[thaibeachlovers]

13 hours ago, poohy said:

i have lived 19 years so read all this stuff originally but to be honest it is something i have never come across , my 50 yo thai mrs lies on the settee with her feet up, so  i would really assume its a really old folks thing or some devout more buddhist than buddha or  an argumentative  thai being pedantic.

Now while we are on about feet....What pis**s me of is thais sitting cross legged in restaurants surely thats just as offensive????

I've never been in a restaurant where Thais sit cross legged. Are they on the floor, or crosslegged on the chair?

Context is everything. What is unacceptable in one situation is acceptable in another.

Sounds to me that the OP had more going on than what he says, and they didn't like him for other reasons as well.

My Thai family didn't like me, but I just stayed in my room when they visited.

[steven100]

8 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

My Thai family didn't like me, but I just stayed in my room when they visited.

yes .... that's what I would do, up to them what they want to think. I will show the same respect that they show to me.

As for the crossed legs, there is more to the OP's story than he's letting on, could be he's being continously disrespectful all day. My thai friends eat together with crossed legs sitting on the floor all the time.

[4MyEgo]

21 hours ago, Despondent Foreigner said:

Marriage and family life is hard in thailand that is for sure. Though i am very happy that I never have to see or deal with them ever again.

The thing with the foot thing, yes, agree with your wife, open feet pointing at one is disrespectful, regardless of whether its a cousin or a Thai in general, you should take a little time out to understand the culture.

 

Marriage should not be difficult, family life in Thailand should be your own, after all, you married your wife, not her family, as for the father-in-law, sure stick it to him, I told mine back in 2009 to mind his own business on site when we were building the house, I recall the roofers were up on the roof and he was having a go at my wife (his daughter) telling her that we could not have the toilet in the house, I walked over and said to the Mrs, what gives, she explained with her eyes pointing to the ground knowing what my reaction was going to be, I took one look at him, and said with my arm stretched out pointing to the front gate to more or less fark off as I was beating my chest spewing out every and anything that come out of my mouth, suffice to say, I think he got the message as he left in a hurry and never returned on site again.

 

I looked up at the roofers as they had stopped working to watch what was transpiring, and when the father in law left one of them smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up....lol as they went back to work.

 

The wife went over to the parents place that evening to have dinner with our little one who was 1 at the time, minus me and and as they ate, her father said to her, has the farang calmed down yet, and said, I like this farang, he has spunk, he will take good care of you.

 

Although we only live 400 metres or so up the road, he knows his place, comes around seldom enough as does the mother in law, usually for birthdays etc, etc, although the wife goes over for dinner once a week, or to take them some lunch every now and again, we have no issues, we smile, we laugh, but I keep them at a distance, after all, I didn't marry them.

 

The wife knows her family comes 1st, her parents, sisters etc 2nd and has no problem with that, she actually liked how I put her father in his place, as she now can and has used me as an excuse to get out of many things without offending him, with her parents always saying yes, don't upset your husband ????

 

Stand your ground, show respect, but don't be a mug, respect has to be shown both ways.

 

Good luck and enjoy your family, and no disrespect if your Mrs wants to live with her parents, tell her to do so as there are plenty of fish in the sea and little fishes survive without their dad's if their dads have to move on, simple really.

[PerkinsCuthbert]

This soles-of-the-feet malarky: on one level, it is certainly part of Thai culture, and the whys and wherefores, and in what situations, a Westerner will probably never fully comprehend. On the other hand, there is a strong streak in some Thais to use the custom as a stick with which to beat the farang in 'their' country, particularly just to get one back for some other perceived offence. I'd give a little push back in such a situation - give 'em a long lecture on Western standards, for example.

 

[ncc1701d]

2 hours ago, Aussieroaming said:

Why are you still bothering to attend "family" functions? They are treating you like an inferior and you are setting yourself up to be rejected.

 

Pull your family out of their sphere of dominance and take control and dont let yourself be put into a position where you are passive e.g. sitting in a vehicle as a passenger or being dragged to the in laws house.

 

Alpha male leads the pack, so bark back and be prepared to stand up for yourself. Tell them they can visit your child in your home and if they dont treat you with respect then you will kick them out on their ass. That way you are 100% in control and remind your wife that you, her and your child are a family.

This 100%. I would never put myself in a situation where I wasn’t in control of my surroundings or be able to remove myself from a situation I don’t like - especially surrounded by people that I support. I would have told whoever was driving to pull over and have it out in the car right there and then. If they didn’t like it, they can get out and walk. 

 

One of the other posts is a surprise to me - in what universe would anyone think they had any authority to take your own children away and bring them up away from their actual parents let alone in some village in the middle of nowhere? And then kick up a stink when you tell the, to sod off? 

[soistalker]

This is like when my wife stops talking to me. Win-win.

[toenail]

Showing the sole of your foot to someone is indeed considered an insult, (usually to older generation)

-Meanwhile, Thais can sit cross legged while eating their papaya salad with their fingers and itch their feet at the same time; or leave their trash on the ground not thinking this is offensive. I am aware of different “do’s & don’ts” in different countries ( I have lived in 5 different countries) but some Thais over react to this “foot” issue. Do I say anything when they burp while eating? ... open my frig without asking and select something to eat?...or start snacking on peanuts in my car leaving the shells on the floor? -No.



Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[Despondent Foreigner]

5 minutes ago, toenail said:

-Meanwhile, Thais can sit cross legged while eating their papaya salad with their fingers and itch their feet at the same time; or leave their trash on the ground not thinking this is offensive. I am aware of different “do’s & don’ts” in different countries ( I have lived in 5 different countries) but some Thais over react to this “foot” issue. Do I say anything when they burp while eating? ... open my frig without asking and select something to eat?...or start snacking on peanuts in my car leaving the shells on the floor? -No.



Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

Well put toenail.

 

I think it all boils down to their lack of patience when dealing with foreigners. Its one rule for blood family members and another rule for everyone else (especially the aliens)

[Jingjock]

On ‎4‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 10:15 PM, Swiss1960 said:

Most people will say... lucky you to get rid of the family and still keep wife and kid...

Unfortunately, you have to ask yourself, whether or not your wife will accept such arrangements for the longer future...

Totally correct, this is a culture thing that never goes away, the outlaws will win hands down, my prediction, this is the beginning of the end, I am sorry to say.

[The Theory]

Perhaps your foot was an excuse to pick on you, otherwise their whole day is full of disrespect to others, but they just call it disrespectful where they don’t like something that done by others. Look how they drive everyday and hide the face behind the dark tinted windows. 

[sead]

Its very simple. If they take care of your son then they have a reason to ask you for money, It would be alot of money for them

[connda]

Your nuclear family is you primary family: Husband, wife, children.

Extended family is nice to have, but not a necessity.  Demanding you give up your child to the extended family?  Not just "No", but "Hell no!"

Beware of kidnapping.  Possession is 9/10th of the law in the LOS it seems.  

[scorecard]

1 hour ago, ncc1701d said:

This 100%. I would never put myself in a situation where I wasn’t in control of my surroundings or be able to remove myself from a situation I don’t like - especially surrounded by people that I support. I would have told whoever was driving to pull over and have it out in the car right there and then. If they didn’t like it, they can get out and walk. 

 

One of the other posts is a surprise to me - in what universe would anyone think they had any authority to take your own children away and bring them up away from their actual parents let alone in some village in the middle of nowhere? And then kick up a stink when you tell the, to sod off? 

 Your last paragraph, this happens in many Thai families and there's also the circumstances where the mother or father of often both work in a factory, e.g. in Chonburi and leaving the baby with grandma in Essan is par for the course. In some cases it's an attempt to get the new family into a better financial picture but In some cases it's an excuse to avoid the hard work of bringing up babies and little kids. It happens often.

 

[NoshowJones]

21 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

You were in the wrong about this and I'm not surprised they took offence. If you want to live in Thailand it would behove you to learn about the culture.

Best if you just accept not having any contact with them. I'd have loved it if my Thai in laws had stayed far, far away from me.

Just don't expect any assistance from them if you should ever need it.

My wifes three brothers and sister come to the house, her father lives with us as do her son and daughter, none of them has ever asked me for any money, or even done anything to upset me.

I say in all honesty, my wife and I have never had words against any of them, maybe the fact is my Thai is very limited, and their English is non existent is something to do with it.

[Mavideol]

I am not the jealous/envy type of person but in this particular case I do envy you, you must be the luckiest man on earth..... countless times I have asked for God's help in the matter, never received any feed back

[chilli42]

I am not saying this to be mean but I take from what you have described here that you were not financially supporting your wife’s family.  If I were in your place I would be thrilled with the outcome.  I do understand that it may be hard on your wife which in turn may lead to marital problems.  So you can choose live with things as they have turned out or fix the problem with money (or more money if you were already supporting).

[holy cow cm]

How old are the parents and from what neighborhood in Thailand? It is typical old school for the kids to pass on the children to their parents, but very odd the parents are pushing this so rudely to you and your wife. Not sure if they want a cash cow by having your kid, but in general, if you have enough money why not send them a tiny bit every month if you can afford it. This is Thai norm. If you cannot and strapped then they need to realize this. How much money did they ask from you to marry their daughter?, this might also tell you something about their demeanor. 

[scorecard]

22 hours ago, Lacessit said:

My GF's family accept me. They also accept I am uncomfortable in family gatherings because while my Thai is reasonable, it's not fluent so I find it difficult to follow a conversation. 5 minutes is enough. They are probably a bit uncomfortable too, as I am a lot taller than any of them.

None of them have ever asked me for money. I give small amounts for things such as birthdays.

The only deal breaker I have with my GF is if she goes into debt for any reason. She is quite clear on what will happen if she does.

Many Thais are like children - they need boundaries drawn for them. The OP should discuss his own boundaries with his wife.

 

Debt. Not long after his marriage my Thai son (his wife present) was approached by his wifes' older sister for 6Million Baht, she had already signed a contract and paid a 10,000Baht contact (borrowed from a loan shark) on an expensive house with land in a new moo baan, plus she had ordered and made a small deposit on a small BMW car. They kept insisting they would pay the money back. The older sister has no job and her husband has no job and he refuses to work, they live with and sponge off the sister's mother (my sons MIL).

 

My Thai son responded instantly NO and his wife confirmed NO. Then a number of comments, from the couple wanting the funds, about 'farang stingy' and half Thai son also 'stingy'.

 

This all happened about 2 months after the full on lady boy brother had asked for the same thing, funds to buy a big and expensive condo in Bkk plus car. That also brought a quick NO.

 

My son told the sister and husband to leave. They asked for 2,000Baht for food on the trip from CM to Tak. Son said NO, but I will drive you to the bus station and son started to put their bags in his car.

 

When they got to CM bus station, 10 minutes drive from son's house, they asked for cash for the bus tickets. Son responded by looking at their luggage and said I will buy these 2 traditional bags from you for the cost of the 2 bus tickets (about 700Baht total). They accepted.

 

Never any further requests for money. 

[NoshowJones]

6 hours ago, inThailand said:

Your lucky to rid yourself of the inlaws. The problem is now the wife will rid herself of you. 

Would that really be a problem? The OP may be glad the in-laws have banished him, but if he thinks that

makes him the no1 in her life, he is on for a big surprise.

[tlandtday]

1 minute ago, possum1931 said:

Would that really be a problem? The OP may be glad the in-laws have banished him, but if he thinks that

makes him the no1 in her life, he is on for a big surprise.

It's possible he could be number one but rather unlikely.  Do they have a dog?

[Monkeyrobot]

I put my foot on my knee in a Mini van going to Pattaya and the driver told me not to do that. Yet they have no problem giving foot massages, just there culture. 

[smutcakes]

I feel for the kid, being raised by the Thai family or by the OP- its not a strong start in life for the little mite.

 

I am sure the OP is just a new log in for poster Khun Proletarian or whatever his name was.

[Traubert]

I too get the feeling he upset everyone at the waterfall and the whole family is not well disposed towards him for kicking off in public.

 

It might be time for a little inward meditation.

[Tony125]

On 4/18/2019 at 1:53 PM, Despondent Foreigner said:

I didnt show her the sole of my foot. I was in the front seat and she was sat behind me.

My wife won't let me point to something with my foot if my hands are full saying it's disrespectful. Same with putting your hand over someone's head . I was in a store and started to reach over this boy's head to get a shirt I wanted  . Had like 10 people in store yell at me so I apologised said I forgot. Wife won't let me even press fan button with my foot to turn it on even when we are alone.

[Macthehat]

A quote from The Life Of Brian springs to mind   “You jammy ba$tard!" ????