The perfect marriage

[steven100]

oh goody !  a fight between two tv members .... 

[marcusarelus]

2 minutes ago, Odysseus123 said:

Nonsense-there is no such thing as "your thread"-nobody owns them except TV.

 

Those posters who think that they do are simply delusional or Walter Mitty's with their heads so stuck up their rear fundaments as to be living in a delusional fantasy of their own making.

 

Not that I am implying that you live in a delusional fantasy..far from it..????

The poster wrote, "Would like to hear more anecdotes about the quality of interpersonal chemistry, teamwork as a couple, vibrant sex life after many years together, growing and growing old together, shared values and life goals. Talking about longevity of a relation in and of itself doesn't tell you much about the relationship dynamic........That's what would make me a believer that the great farang-Thai relationship experiment is for real."

 

He is trying to hijack the thread to affirm what he feels as opposed to the topic of the thread.  

 

I suggested he start his own thread as it's a different topic.  

[Odysseus123]

No he isn't.He's just one voice and perfectly entitled to post his views..

 

I enjoy living in a pluralistic society with it's multitude of different voices-don't you?

[villagefarang]

"So I guess what I'm hoping to hear are truthful anecdotes about interpersonal and physical chemistry, shared culinary adventures, deep philosophical discussions about life and religion, your teamwork as parents, her romantic and thoughtful gestures, how she places the relationship's interests above her interests, her conflict resolution skills, her listening, conversational, and storytelling skills, how you make one another laugh. How the sexual chemistry is still there."

 

I get the feeling you will only consider anecdotes truthful if they are negative.  

 

We share a strong physical chemistry, enjoy an extensive variety of cuisines, talk extensively about life and spiritual beliefs without conflict (despite different backgrounds and beliefs).  She is more thoughtful when it comes to romantic gestures, while I am better at the big stuff.  I provide the stability in our relationship while she brings light and joy into every corner.  There is very little conflict because our listening and conversational skills are such that there is no misunderstanding.  I speak her language and she speaks mine.

 

After twenty-two years together she has heard most of my stories but we sometimes get the opportunity to share our stories with friends and we can tell each other's stories as easily as our own.  The sexual chemistry is still there and I still marvel at her naked form but there has developed a more nuanced expression of passion beyond what one might expect whey you are paying for it by the unit. 

 

We chose not to have kids so that frees up a lot of time and energy for what I consider more entertaining and fulfilling pastimes.  Life is short and there is so much to experience along the way.  I refuse to compromise on the quality of our relationship and marriage is not something I take lightly.  My parents were married for 67 years and though I have little chance of reaching that milestone, longevity in a relationship adds depth, understanding and shared experiences which are lacking in shorter term relationships.

 

We make each other better people and as I have said before there is a synergy in our relationship and we are better together than apart.  While some people may be honestly miserable, some of us are honestly happy and deeply in love with our partners.  Why is it so hard to believe that marriage can be a beautiful thing for some?

[marcusarelus]

1 hour ago, Odysseus123 said:

No he isn't.He's just one voice and perfectly entitled to post his views..

 

I enjoy living in a pluralistic society with it's multitude of different voices-don't you?

He is setting you up by writing, "That's what would make me a believer that the great farang-Thai relationship experiment is for real."  Obviously he believes the opposite.  There is not a great farang - Thai relationship experiment.  There are only men and women trying to get along.  I've had wives of many sizes shapes and colors from many different countries.  The people are what is important not the ethnic or national background.   

[ThaiFelix]

20 hours ago, Mavideol said:

sorry to disagree but there's no such thing as perfect marriage, all have ups and downs and mostly downs.... have been married 4 x to 4 different ladies from 4 different countries, all from different education and wealth backgrounds, it all started well but than down hill, most here are making jokes and claiming to have fantastic relationships, good for them but would be nice if they were honest and told it how it is or better yet, should ask their partners opinions, quite sure we would have some funny surprises

Agreed.  Ive known a few over time who boast perfect marriages but in reality it is the complete opposite.  Drunks and layabouts who are always out of work, owe money all around town with no chance or will to pay it back.  And when they do manage to have money it is spent on booze, drugs or whores while the little woman is stuck at home in a miserable rut trying to make ends meet because she is now resolved to the fact that she is too old to find another husband or it is too difficult to leave especially when kids are involved.  There is also the old cultural aspect where Thai women are taught from an early age to be subservient to males of the family and would rather live a life of misery than be seen to not strive to take care of their father, husband, and children.......and thus they take on most of the burden by often having second jobs or part time businesses etc to make ends meet.

 

Anyone can be the author of their own history but some refuse to admit they are writing fiction because in doing so they would be admitting to failure.

[villagefarang]

I believe those who admit to being miserable people in miserable relationships but I also believe those of us who are happy people in great marriages.????‍❤️‍????????????????

[Gecko123]

2 hours ago, marcusarelus said:

This is not your thread.  You are supposed to give us your experiences.  If you want to hear something start your own thread.

Most of the early posters on this thread seemed to focus primarily on the length of their marriage, and to talk about their relationships in general and sometimes clichéd terms. I pointed out that simply stating how long you have been together and offering testimonials about how much you love one another without any substantive detail doesn't really help people understand what makes a relationship tick.

 

All I did was to encouraged people to provide more nuanced and anecdotal answers to the OP's question about why they think they have "a great relationship with their other half," so that others could learn and benefit from their experiences. Rather than an attempt to hijack the thread as you have accused me of doing, it was just an effort to solicite higher quality responses as to why posters felt their relationship was solid. The OP liked my post, so I doubt he saw my post as an attempt to hijack the thread either. If you reread my post more carefully, I think you will come to agree that this was the case as well.

[Isaanbiker]

22 hours ago, colinneil said:

I find it sad because you called me a liar.

For those not aware fibbing is another way of saying liar.

An unimportant liar. 

[Gecko123]

3 hours ago, villagefarang said:

Why is it so hard to believe that marriage can be a beautiful thing for some?

I think that there is a serious rethinking going on right now both in Thai and Western culture about how well-suited Thais and Westerners are for romantic and marital relationships. Even when you match couples with similar socio-economic, educational, and family backgrounds, there are quite substantial cultural differences between Thais and foreigners regarding a whole host of issues: religion, ethics, integrity, planning, continuous learning, language skill development, willingness to integrate into a new culture, interest in literature and arts, parenting styles, conflict resolution and communication styles, attitudes about budgeting and saving for the future, romantic expressiveness, sexual activity in middle and elder age. The list goes on and on.

 

Even though every prospective couple - even those from a similar culture - has to go through a process of evaluating the compatibility of a potential spouse, because of the language and cultural barriers between foreign men and Thai women, this evaluation process can be greatly impaired, and can require a much longer evaluation period. Unfortunately, unless you happen to be here on a work or retirement visa, most guys who come to Thailand on vacation or extended exploratory trips, simply don't have the luxury of time to fully explore a love interest's compatibility.

 

Over the last 50 years a subculture of rural farm girls snookering unsuspecting foreign men into romance and marriage scams took root in Thailand. In the past several years, the Prayut government has done a lot to discourage this culture by cracking down on red-light districts and stigmatizing the prostitution industry as being bad for Thailand's image abroad. But even despite these crackdowns, the culture of taking financial advantage of unsuspecting foreign men by getting them to send them monthly stipends in exchange for their commitment to be sexually faithful, or entering into marriages under false pretenses in order to buy land, real and personal property is very pervasive throughout Thai culture. While it emanated from poor rural areas, all - even middle and upper class Thais are aware that this happened often, and that foreign men could be deceived and taken advantage of romantically. The illegality of foreigners owning land, widespread misinformation about marital property, and sin sod culture contributed greatly to this exploitation of foreign men.

 

Put marital compatibility issues aside for a moment, and just look at cultural compatibility issues from the broad stroke perspective of society in general. First, there's the language barrier. Of course, it's the responsibility of the foreigner to make an effort to learn Thai if they chose to live in Thailand. But, even then, you constantly encounter people who make zero effort to try and understand you, no matter how well your non-native Thai becomes. There are also huge issues about Thais concept of friendship, interest in developing relationships with foreigners, integration into the wife's immediate family, and a foreigner's ability to develop a social network in the immediate community. To the extent that one believes that social support for the couple is important for maintaining a viable relationship, these social integration and social support hurdles can be daunting.

 

There is also an inordinate amount of risk inherent in an older man marrying a significantly younger woman, which only grows as he becomes older. While this may be changing, for many decades it was very common for an older foreign man to take a much younger Thai wife. The younger wife may lack the educational background to manage your healthcare and finances, and may have little help from her immediate family, neighbors, or expats in the area in providing for your care. You could become very vulnerable to elder neglect, especially in rural areas. Many elderly people languish in the countryside because of poverty and also because their children have left the village for urban employment. So the standard for elder care in rural Thailand is not very high.

 

So what I'm saying is that there are a lot of people who through their experiences question the advisability of getting into serious romantic relationships with Thai women. Some may be characterized as bitter, but many have reached this conclusion in a very level-headed and after long reflective thought. As I said at the outset, I think Thai women are going through a major rethink of the advisability of getting involved with foreign men as well. But for foreign men, the cultural and language differences, the not-yet-dead culture of romantically exploiting foreign men through deception and abuse of land ownership laws, the uphill challenge of integrating into a Thai community beyond superficial interaction, and the potential for abuse and neglect as you get older are all reasons why people should be hesitant to leap into a relationship with a Thai woman.

 

No one is begruding another person's happiness. But when people on an anonymous forum provide just the upside accounts of their relationship dynamic, this helps perpetuate the stereotype that "you too can retire in Thailand with a cuddly and lovable Thai woman beside you in your hammock." I think it can be misleading, and that's what triggers me to go into devil's advocate mode. I've just seen too many guys who despite having made a rock solid commitment to the relationship and having all of the interpersonal skills to make a relationship work, through little fault of their own, get burned trying to navigate the minefields I cited above.

 

Even if you happen to be one of the lucky few to have found a mutually satisfying relationship here, and find sharing that happiness you've found to be self-gratifying, I think forum members, especially more prominent members, have a responsibility to provide a realistic and honest assessment when talking about their relationships with Thai women. It's also important to reiterate at every turn that luck probably played a big role, not everyone is lucky, and taking a slow and cautious approach is very prudent advice.

[473geo]

1 hour ago, Gecko123 said:

All I did was to encouraged people to provide more nuanced and anecdotal answers to the OP's question about why they think they have "a great relationship with their other half,"

I guess the tone of the responses from the 4x married guy, to a little light criticism, may point you in the right direction ????

 

My marriage is not perfect because currently we spend too much time apart, and, while my capable, patient, caring wife, works extremely hard and succeeds in making everything good for our family, she openly admits she misses my daily assistance, input, and company.

Not so long now until this is rectified ????

[BritManToo]

20 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

I think that there is a serious rethinking going on right now both in Thai and Western culture about how well-suited Thais and Westerners are for romantic and marital relationships.

I think there is serious thinking going on right now in the minds of western men about the suitability of women for lasting relationships. I know a whole shed load of Brit men in their 20s and 30s who never intend to let a woman become entitled to their home or pension.

 

At least with the Thai girls you get to bang them a lot before it all turns to shit.

[Rimmer]

A couple of troll posts have been removed

[473geo]

41 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

Even if you happen to be one of the lucky few to have found a mutually satisfying relationship here, and find sharing that happiness you've found to be self-gratifying, I think forum members, especially more prominent members, have a responsibility to provide a realistic and honest assessment when talking about their relationships with Thai women. It's also important to reiterate at every turn that luck probably played a big role, not everyone is lucky, and taking a slow and cautious approach is very prudent advice.

Prominent forum members, realistic assessment, when speaking of failed marriages, you believe? Yet when a prominent forum member confirms he is in a successful marriage, cries of 'ask his wife' see if it the same answer!!

My first marriage ended - better for both of us, I was not good husband material at all, drink, playing away at every opportunity. I don't see this honesty in many "prominent posters realistic and honest assessments" of a failed marriage, They all too frequently lay cliched blame solely on the Thai women or her family!!

Well I for one have witnessed the cringe worthy 'expat antics' causing marriages to fail, understandable why the Thai woman finds a more acceptable alternative, same as my ex!

You are out of sync with reality regarding the 'farm girls', the internet is upon us, and widely used, Pattaya, Patong, Phuket 'crackdowns' will not stem the flow of 'foreign investment' if anything in my area it is full steam ahead!!

I also notice 'farm girls' in our village are having euro style homes built by Thai husbands from Bangkok, perhaps the 'prominent members' of the 'farang ex wives forum' are also providing "realistic and honest assessment" ???? and Thai men with suitable funding are now 'in scope' for these beautiful sexy women

 

[villagefarang]

1 hour ago, Gecko123 said:

So what I'm saying is that there are a lot of people who through their experiences question the advisability of getting into serious romantic relationships with Thai women. Some may be characterized as bitter, but many have reached this conclusion in a very level-headed and after long reflective thought. As I said at the outset, I think Thai women are going through a major rethink of the advisability of getting involved with foreign men as well.

I would not characterize the bitter, degrading and misogynistic rants of some as level-headed and reflective.  I would suggest men need to accept a great deal more responsibility for their choices in life.  You seem to lay most of the blame on conniving farm girls and give the guys a pass.

 

I have been advising Thai friends for decades to think long and hard about their Farang fantasies.  I have some of the same misgivings as you do about Thai/Farang relationships but I tend to point the finger in the opposite direction and side with my female friends.

 

I am not a fan of those lists of things which will supposedly guarantee a successful relationship.  On paper my wife and I had little or no chance of success because those lists can't take into consideration the intangibles and how two people will mesh over time.  Fortunately we didn't listen to any of the naysayers and trusted our own judgment.

 

"Even if you happen to be one of the lucky few to have found a mutually satisfying relationship here, and find sharing that happiness you've found to be self-gratifying, I think forum members, especially more prominent members, have a responsibility to provide a realistic and honest assessment when talking about their relationships with Thai women."

 

I don't consider myself all that lucky and I know you are not suggesting that I am not prominent enough, or not honest or realistic.????

[cornishcarlos]

Started off a nice positive response thread, with a bit of expected light banter..

Turned into the usual bickering, bought on by the negativity of the bitter and twisted. Who will now reply with " not bitter and twisted, just realistic"... You're entitled to your opinions as it's an open forum but if you see a positive thread, just do everyone a favour and stay out of it as you just can't help trying to bring people down ????

 

[Foxy52]

I've been very happily married, ever since I finally gave my wife the slip 12 years ago

[Odysseus123]

4 hours ago, marcusarelus said:

He is setting you up by writing, "That's what would make me a believer that the great farang-Thai relationship experiment is for real."  Obviously he believes the opposite.  There is not a great farang - Thai relationship experiment.  There are only men and women trying to get along.  I've had wives of many sizes shapes and colors from many different countries.  The people are what is important not the ethnic or national background.   

With the best will in the world I must disagree..

I like Gecko123 whose posts are 95% well reasoned and intelligent.

 

Okay..sometimes he chucks a wobbly but then so do I.????

 

Such is life..

[BobBKK]

12 minutes ago, cornishcarlos said:

Started off a nice positive response thread, with a bit of expected light banter..

Turned into the usual bickering, bought on by the negativity of the bitter and twisted. Who will now reply with " not bitter and twisted, just realistic"... You're entitled to your opinions as it's an open forum but if you see a positive thread, just do everyone a favour and stay out of it as you just can't help trying to bring people down ????

 

Who needs a "my wonderful wife" thread?  I've heard it a million times and most end up in the garbage bin. If you are happy, great!  no need to boast about it.

[Gecko123]

22 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

You seem to lay most of the blame on conniving farm girls and give the guys a pass.

That's a complete misrepresentation of my views. I am fully aware that many foreign men come here with completely unrealistic and naive expectations that in exchange for financial support they will magically acquire the life partner of their dreams.

[BritManToo]

2 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

That's a complete misrepresentation of my views. I am fully aware that many foreign men come here with completely unrealistic and naive expectations that in exchange for financial support they will magically acquire the life partner of their dreams.

I believe you can get the 'partner of your dreams' in exchange for cash.

But what you can't do is give them all your cash and expect them to stay.

Like all people you hire to do a job, you have to pay them enough, while giving them the hope of getting more.

[BritManToo]

11 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

Who needs a "my wonderful wife" thread?  I've heard it a million times and most end up in the garbage bin. If you are happy, great!  no need to boast about it.

One thing they are never prepared to reveal is how much sex they get.

If a woman believes you love her, the sex always stops.

 

The ugly truth is, no woman wants a man whose balls she carries in her purse.

[cornishcarlos]

10 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

Who needs a "my wonderful wife" thread?  I've heard it a million times and most end up in the garbage bin. If you are happy, great!  no need to boast about it.

 

You don't need it, so why even open it,let alone read it all and comment ?? 

No-one was boasting, well apart from one guy who was taking the P...

[BritManToo]

37 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

I have been advising Thai friends for decades to think long and hard about their Farang fantasies.  I have some of the same misgivings as you do about Thai/Farang relationships but I tend to point the finger in the opposite direction and side with my female friends.

Yet it's not us foreigners banging an old guy in exchange for cash.

Your female friends appear to be considering a life of prostitution.

[Gecko123]

22 minutes ago, cornishcarlos said:

Started off a nice positive response thread, with a bit of expected light banter..

Turned into the usual bickering, bought on by the negativity of the bitter and twisted. Who will now reply with " not bitter and twisted, just realistic"... You're entitled to your opinions as it's an open forum but if you see a positive thread, just do everyone a favour and stay out of it as you just can't help trying to bring people down ????

 

Kind of a snowflakey complaint, Carlos. Do you need a "safe place", maybe a "happily married forum", like a by-invitation-only forum for women? Seriously, maybe you should be the one to organize that marriage retreat. Exactly how am I bringing you down? By telling you my honest opinions? If it's all warped and twisted sewer rat natterings, should be going in one ear and out the other. Sorry, but if you're asking me to stop being honest, no can do. Just put me on ignore, if it upsets you so much.

[473geo]

5 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

That's a complete misrepresentation of my views. I am fully aware that many foreign men come here with completely unrealistic and naive expectations that in exchange for financial support they will magically acquire the life partner of their dreams.

Then they read Thai visa, soak up the conniving Thai women interpretation, limit support, won't live near the family, refuse to build a home, or provide security, sit drinking all day with other expats.....and big surprise the marriage collapses ???? all the fault of the Thai lady

[bert bloggs]

6 hours ago, BritManToo said:

I leaned never to trust the woman you're sleeping with.

I do ,she admitted to me she was your wife first time we slept together.????????

 

sorry couldnt resist ????

[geronimo]

Sitting in a hotel room in Savvanaket reading all the replies, was hoping it would stay civil ????

[villagefarang]

38 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Yet it's not us foreigners banging an old guy in exchange for cash.

Your female friends appear to be considering a life of prostitution.

No, they are looking at me and my wife, thinking they can have what we have without putting in the effort.  Not everyone f*cks for cash and not all marriages are sexless.  Your scars obviously run deep but fortunately we are not all like you.

[geronimo]

56 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

Who needs a "my wonderful wife" thread?  I've heard it a million times and most end up in the garbage bin. If you are happy, great!  no need to boast about it.

wasn't boasting, just wanted to know if there are other guys who are happy with their partners.