Getting Father Home from Thailand

[lamyai3]

On 6/20/2019 at 4:31 PM, Williams9 said:

• Girlfriend - There seems to be one around and I have discussed this with my father and he says he doesn't pay her a lot, but I have my suspicions regarding her as she soon disappeared when I arrived in March and all of a sudden she didn't understand any engilish when I tried to talk to her on her own briefly. The local police liaison officer has had a word with her and told her they are watching her. I don't know if she is still around.
• Finances - He was having over £2,500 going into his account every month. Over the last few months he would be on the phone the day after that had gone in saying he needed more as he's used it. Managed to get access to his online banking and could see that once it went in he was taking it out in cash. Some of his friends can remember seeing him with a lot of cash on him all the time. But he has no idea what he's been spending it on.
• Friends - He has few friends but the circle is getting smaller due to their age some have moved back to the UK some have passed away. Also some have been pushed away as he can become aggressive when questioned about certain things when they are trying to help him.

£2500 is a significant amount of money, and it sounds highly likely the gf or someone else is "managing" his finances for him. You say he's been in Pattaya 15 years - has there been a sudden increase in his monthly expenditure? How does this year compare to his monthly outgoings in previous years, if you have access to that information? If you can access his online banking you should be able to go back awhile and see how much he was withdrawing previously and his typical spending and cash withdrawal patterns. It's unclear from what you've said whether this is his monthly pension and guaranteed to him, or if you're also

providing some sort of allowance or payment, which would put you in a position to limit the financial amounts. Part of his increased cost of living of course will be due to the alarming exchange rates - 15 years ago he'd have been getting around 74 to the pound, and even 3 years ago 53 to the pound - he's currently getting around 39. But Pattaya is inexpensive and £2500 is still well above average retiree income there.

 

It's also unclear whether he's on overstay, or just has a ticket in the passport relating to the next 90 day report due date - several of the responses on here seem to be assuming the former. 

 

When you were over previously, did you establish contact with any of his friends or acquaintances? You mention some of them remember seeing him with a lot of cash - it's likely that some of those people know more details about what's going on and could be willing to keep you informed, especially if they also consider he's on a self-destructive path. If he does have anyone he's close to that he trusts and respects in Thailand, they might be best placed to gradually feed the idea across to him that he really needs to come to terms with returning to the UK. But I can imagine that he'd fight tooth and nail to avoid it.

 

Very tough situation - you have my sympathy. 

[wisperone]

Maybe you can pay the GF? to convince him to take her on a vacation to GB. For the right amount of money, it may work. Then send her home by herself.  Buy two round trip tickets so he doesn't suspect. Doesn't sound like money is the issue for you, so make her a offer she can't refuse. Cheaper and easier in the long run.

 

Then again, your dad sounds like a rather onery guy, and may realize that since you have been trying to get him home, he will see through it. He seems adamant on not leaving.  But sometimes women have great power over men, so who knows.

[Kenchamp]

On 6/20/2019 at 4:31 PM, Williams9 said:

Thank you for all your responses. It's taken me a while to read through them all.

 

I'll try and answer a few points, questions & address some of the harsh critisism.

 

• Girlfriend - There seems to be one around and I have discussed this with my father and he says he doesn't pay her a lot, but I have my suspicions regarding her as she soon disappeared when I arrived in March and all of a sudden she didn't understand any engilish when I tried to talk to her on her own briefly. The local police liaison officer has had a word with her and told her they are watching her. I don't know if she is still around.
• Finances - He was having over £2,500 going into his account every month. Over the last few months he would be on the phone the day after that had gone in saying he needed more as he's used it. Managed to get access to his online banking and could see that once it went in he was taking it out in cash. Some of his friends can remember seeing him with a lot of cash on him all the time. But he has no idea what he's been spending it on.
• Friends - He has few friends but the circle is getting smaller due to their age some have moved back to the UK some have passed away. Also some have been pushed away as he can become aggressive when questioned about certain things when they are trying to help him.
• Care Homes & Dementia - I'm offended by the talk of the percieved image of care homes in the UK. Our family business is a Care Home based in Wales and this is what we do. I'm fully aware of the progression of dementia and how it affects people. We have been a family run care home for the last 25 years with a very high standard of care reflected in our annual reports by our inspection body.
• Coming to Thailand - I have been out in March but as mentioned he is very adamant that he will not come back to the UK and gets very cross and aggressive when it's mentioned. He will also not move from where he is living at the moment.
• Condo - He owns his own Condo in Pattaya 

 

If anyone could PM me useful contacts/agencies in BKK or Pattaya or Embassy that would great.

 

The thing that is that we want to do our best for him and leaving him out in Thailand the situation is only going to get worse.

 

Many thanks again

Almost without doubt his so called girlfriend will be responsible for spending his money (on herself and her family) and the sooner you fck her off the better. There could probably be a case for deception somewhere in amongst her doings but trying to get anything done about that in Thailand will be hard work. As for the police liason officer, it's probably a good idea not to trust him either. Good luck

[BritTim]

In general, I m loathe to even make tentative suggestions as you seem better qualified than any of us to divine the reason's for your father's behaviour and his spending. I will just extend one thought. As I understand it, the early stages of dementia are often accompanied by other mental changes. Depression is common, but many other conditions may surface. My first thought when someone blows over 100,000 baht cash within a day or two of receiving it is not the girlfriend (though she may well be getting a cut). I wonder about a gambling addiction.

Does your father have and use credit cards? If so, have you been able to view his credit card statements?

[Gilltom]

2 hours ago, Sheryl said:

You definitely need to get in touch with the British Embassy in Bangkok. If you can't get through to them from the UK maybe try talking to someone in the Foreign  Office but it is the Brit Emb who will, sooner or later, end up involved in this.

 

The requirements for maintaining a retirement extension of stay ("visa") have recently been made much more complicated and no one with dementia is going to manage it. Hence sooner or later he will be on overstay. When we don't know as the slip of paper you referenced would have been for 90 day reporting not the expiration of his current extension. But regardless of when it is, he is very unlikely to  succeed in getting it extended and thus will be on overstay. (If he does manage it that would call the dementia diagnosis into question!).

 

Once he is on overstay, with the help of the Brit Embassy it might -- just might -- be possible to arrange for police to pick him up for transport to the airport without putting him in the Immigration Detention Center (IDC) but it would have to be carefully finessed. The kind of thing NancyL described happening in Chiang Mai would be unusual in any other part of Thailand. But if it is possible, it would be the Embassy who would know about it.

 

While the Brit Embassy in Bangkok does not seem to  get very high marks from Brit expats  (the Hon. Consul in CM is an anomaly), they will have no choice about getting involved if he ends up in IDC and knowing that, they  might be amenable to trying to avert what will otherwise be a very bad and messy situation.

 

 

 

 

Seems like u may have to come here and get him diagnosed as having dementia in the first place before u can make any further progress.don.t think the british embassy will take your word for it. May need some proof from a doc here first

[malagateddy]

Shot in the dark here.

Why not make appt. then sit down with your MP..tell him your concerns and listen to his/her advice..suggestions..he/she could ask the Foreign Office to contact the Embassy in Bangkok etc etc.??

Sent from my SM-G7102 using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[Gilltom]

On 6/19/2019 at 8:05 PM, madmen said:

Nice thoughts and positive vibes but what when he collapses on the floor and cant get back up passing away from dehydration covered in his own urine and shit..not pleasant but horrific. the man needs help..this is not a COOl situation

Thats terrible poor bloke will only get worse .and can happen vwry quickly just seen it myself with my friends hubby. Could end up wandering the streets with no money after some1 probably rob him .wouldn.t wish that on anyone .is son is trying to prevent that .he  doesn.t av much choice but to come here and sort is visa etc and see if he can get him in care home here .at least he gets to stay here and hopefully will be looked after in care home 

[fhickson]

its going to be difficult to make him leave if he absolutely refuses and cannot be swayed by you or other relatives. could take him to visit a care facility and he may take to it if you can afford something decent. there are some nice ones around esp up in chiang mai.

 

otherwise maybe best to just keep in contact and if things hit bottom youll probably get a call sooner or later. if not, he chose his own poison.

Edited June 22, 2019 by fhickson

[brokenbone]

i would stop paying anything at all,

he need to find out by himself he isnt fit,

then he can accept a ticket back.

tell the landlord you wont guarantee a thing

and hope landlord passes on info there wont be any return of money.

personally i think his gf is taking it all,

i have seen that shit first hand,

but the old man i refer to still didnt want to reclaim his credit card in fear she would leave, so he rather got robbed and live in poverty  for the rest of his miserable life.

that man wasnt senile, except for the part he wouldnt reclaim his credit card and throw the aggressive greedy ugly bitch out

Edited June 22, 2019 by brokenbone

[jacko45k]

1 minute ago, FredGallaher said:

She could be just the opposite.  

I'll give you one chance in 10, can't do any better!

[jacko45k]

1 minute ago, FredGallaher said:

I understand, your in Pattaya and I'm not. Big difference.

As is the OP's father.

[fhickson]

he says he does not have enough money so the op stops his monthly deposits and is now sending him a small allowance

 

were missing something here...

 

could it be a heir afraid of all the savings being spent? very common as parents age.

Edited June 23, 2019 by fhickson

[BritTim]

2 hours ago, fhickson said:

he says he does not have enough money so the op stops his monthly deposits and is now sending him a small allowance

 

were missing something here...

 

could it be a heir afraid of all the savings being spent? very common as parents age.

When an older person with symptoms of cognitive decline suddenly starts spending much more money (for unexplained reasons) than they had previously, I do not think it unreasonable for a concerned son to intervene. it is a touchy situation, but abandoning your father to an uncertain fate would not be an attractive option if I was in his situation.

[Gilltom]

On 6/23/2019 at 12:51 PM, FredGallaher said:

A medical diagnosis is needed first. Going off what the son says is a first step but not enough. If its about him blowing through his own money, its up to him. The exception is when he becomes a danger to himself or others. 

If he spends it all of course he'll have to go back to Britain because he'll not be able to extend his visa.

Any update on this maybe the son as come over

[Williams9]

On 6/26/2019 at 5:41 AM, Gilltom said:

Any update on this maybe the son as come over

Hi Gilltom

 

I have been in constant contact with the manager at the Condo and one of his friends, but over the last few weeks the situation has deteriorated and I am looking to come over with my mother (his ex wife) who he doesn't remember even though they were married for 30 odd years.

Going to try again with British Embassy before coming out to see if I can get some help.

[from the home of CC]

On 6/19/2019 at 5:51 PM, madmen said:

I had this exact situation with a friend of mine. He developed dementia (88 years old) and we found him a nurse and he moved in house in UBON paying for her services around the clock . After a year or so due to his deterioration she could no longer take care of him so she dropped him off at the US embassy and drove off

 

Embassy paid for a short stay in a nursing home and paid for his flight home including having a contact meet him at the airport and he is now in a nursing home US

 

Very Impressive.

She just dropped him on the street in front of the embassy without explanation to anyone or did she tell the marines at the gate the score? No judgement -  it just sounds like what happens with an abandoned baby at a hospital entrance. Like a full circle of life in a sense. If I detect the onslaught of this terrible disease I've already explained to the wife I'll be taking the easy way out, either that or maybe have a lottery for those who would like to see me get whacked - straight shooters only please lol..

[Boycie]

On 11/26/2019 at 2:48 PM, Williams9 said:

Hi Gilltom

 

I have been in constant contact with the manager at the Condo and one of his friends, but over the last few weeks the situation has deteriorated and I am looking to come over with my mother (his ex wife) who he doesn't remember even though they were married for 30 odd years.

Going to try again with British Embassy before coming out to see if I can get some help.

Hi Williams9,

 

Hope you managed to get you Dad home and had a stress free Christmas and New Year.

 

I was just reading a story about a pensioner being left at Pattaya station and nobody knew who he is was. Hope it wasn't your Dad?

 

Did you get any help from the British Embassy. Please let us know how it's all going?

 

Best wishes Boycie.