Advice about my life with my Thai boyfriend

[Martin Fox]

Hi, I'm very lucky I have met a Thai chap living in London and we have had an excellent 2 year relationship living independently in each others homes. However I do have some concerns about things and am not sure if it is just cultural difference. He has been widowed from a marriage to a much older English chap and this has left him very well placed financially actually better of than I and I'm very comfortable working in marketing towards the end of my career I'm 55 and he is 43.

 

There are several issues I'd possibly like advice on. 

1, My friend's are aware of his personal situation and have commented several times when we go out he never offers to take his turn in paying, this has reached the point I'm avoiding taking him to social events. Is this cultural or is it related to his past I've tried to mention it but not got far to be fair if we travel together he pays his way. 

2, The more we are together the more I want a future as a couple but I have a nagging concern he is waiting until his UK passport is competed and will return to Thailand or at least start enjoying the money he has. Some friends have suggested he would not like to return as he would loose face, is this culturaly correct? To be honest given his wealth I cannot understand why he stays living quite a lonely life spending his days watching TV? 

3. I treat him as an equal in all things but getting him to say what he wants to do is exhausting all he wants to do is what I suggest even when I give options saying I have been to all these places you choose. Again I wonder if this is from his past and he doesn't realise things are more equal? 

 

Would welcome any comments he is a lovely man and very caring but difficult to talk to about the future? 

[MiNombreEsFicticious]

If your BF is spending his days watching TV, I wonder what it is about him that you find appealing or attractive?  He sounds bored and boring. If you don't find any intellectual stimulation with your partner, I think it is far better to be on your own. I've been with a Taiwanese partner for 23 years and I can honestly say I have never had one moment of boredom with him. Outside of work, he is constantly reading, taking courses, seeing movies, etc., it's hard to keep up with him. And he's 53.  Good luck and don't settle. 

[scorecard]

"Some friends have suggested he would not like to return as he would loose face, is this culturaly correct?

 

 

There are several issues I'd possibly like advice on. 

1, My friend's are aware of his personal situation and have commented several times when we go out he never offers to take his turn in paying, this has reached the point I'm avoiding taking him to social events."

• In Thai culture at a restaurant or similar the higher status person always pays, quite a solid 'rule'. (But also true amongst the much younger generations, equal sharing of the bill is becoming more typical. But this wouldn't be true of a 43 year old.))
• But then of course how do you define 'higher status' and there is no absolute answer, but older can often be the dictator of higher status.  And there's a further possible complication, it would be quite rude for the lower status to offer to pay because it would make the higher status person lose face. 

 

 

 

 

[orchis]

1. if you don't like that, stop paying, see where it goes.
2. could go either way.
3. you pay the meals, you chose the restaurants.

[steven2018]

You pay so he does not lose face. On occasion, however before going to the restaurant - he - gives you money in private to cover the meal. You make this clear to him. Don't continue forward with resentment.

 

Watching TV does not mean someone is lonely, unless he had told you that he is lonely.

 

 

[CharlieH]

Troll comment and response removed.

[RJRS1301]

He may well be living with depression

How long since his former partner died?

He may well be feeling lonely and perhaps his former partner made all the decisions, paid the restaurant bills, etc.

Perhaps you should talk about what your expectations in a relationship is,

This may be difficult but let him know it is safe to talk with you about his wants and needs, leave the space open for discussion.

Is he employed?

Have you travelled together to Thailand??

Communication is essential 

[scorecard]

45 minutes ago, scorecard said:

"Some friends have suggested he would not like to return as he would loose face, is this culturaly correct?

 

 

There are several issues I'd possibly like advice on. 

1, My friend's are aware of his personal situation and have commented several times when we go out he never offers to take his turn in paying, this has reached the point I'm avoiding taking him to social events."

• In Thai culture at a restaurant or similar the higher status person always pays, quite a solid 'rule'. (But also true amongst the much younger generations, equal sharing of the bill is becoming more typical. But this wouldn't be true of a 43 year old.))
• But then of course how do you define 'higher status' and there is no absolute answer, but older can often be the dictator of higher status.  And there's a further possible complication, it would be quite rude for the lower status to offer to pay because it would make the higher status person lose face. 

 

 

 

 

""Some friends have suggested he would not like to return as he would loose face, is this culturaly correct?"

 

Not true, unless he's known to have made big statements 'I will never return to the LOS' or similar which in itself is very unlikely because criticizing Thailand (Thais or foreigners) is taken as an insult, strongly frowned upon, not appreciated, and just rude. And the LOS is always the ultimate home.

 

I think the OP is referring to the 'up to you' typical answer. This is very common and can be a sign of laziness to think about where to eat etc., but much more likely as a respect for the status superior. The fact he's got money wouldn't override this point. 

 

 

[Martin Fox]

Hi, 

Thank you for your replies, definitely given me an insight I hadn't concidered the respect thing about paying. 

He's far from boring and keen to do anything I suggest I just worry he is lonely hence so much TV? Thus why I wonder about does he rea9want to be home. 

I do try talking but he has an uncanny knack of avoiding the questions. 

 

Really value the comments it's helpful. 

[RJRS1301]

I do try talking but he has an uncanny knack of avoiding the questions.

 

The "knack of avoiding the questions", is not unusual in Asian society.

Try discussion rather than direct questioning, seek his opinions on where to eat, what shows to see, use open ended questions, and discussion.

Some find direct questioning confronting, especially if he has not been the main decision maker in the past, there is a fear of being "wrong" if the place is not up to standard etc. (loss of face)

 

 

[Scott]

There is no definitive answer to your questions/concerns, but I have been with my partner for over 25 years.   When we go out together, he pays about 1/2 the time and I pay about 1/2 the time.   He often wants to go to concerts/performances, and he usually pays all of the expenses, including hotel if we are out of the home area.   However, if we are with friends in a restaurant or coffee shop, he never pays.   I always have to pay.   I have no idea why that is, but that's how it goes. 

 

I don't think there is any loss of face in returning to Thailand.   It is his home, and it will always be his home.   Most Thais I know living overseas would like to retire/return to Thailand in their older years.   Returning with money would definitely not be a loss of face.

 

 

[onthemoon]

Allow me to also chip in. Everybody has different experiences, so the more replies you get, the more helpful it might be for you. Here is mine:

1.) While my husband and I come from the same kind of middle-class background, we take turns in paying. However, before I met him I was always with younger guys for who I was the one with a farang income (higher than theirs) but still they insisted on paying - not 50% of the time, but whenever they could afford. 

2.) It is not culturally correct that he would lose face if he returned, at least not within the group of Thai people I know. Some have lived abroad for a couple of years and came back, others still live abroad and declare they want to come back as soon as they have saved enough money. Whether or not he is with you waiting for his UK passport, I cannot know. But a friend of mine had such question about his Brazilian husband - who got the EU passport a couple of years ago now, and they are still happily married.

3.) Not having an opinion and not showing initiative is something I have experienced with many Thais. The problem here is indeed cultural, they learn to follow (their parents, their teachers, etc), not to lead. However, this depends on where he grew up (Bangkok is very modern in comparison to some provinces), but I have also experienced Thais who learned how to develop ideas and take initiative while abroad. If he has been in the UK for a long time and still is like this, you will have to live with it. "I love you so much, I will do everything you want" along with "up to you" are deterrents for me personally, but you may be different.

 

Hope this helps.

[Perhaps2more]

In Thai way of thinking, a woman should not pay for a man. At least not in front of people. Many Thai women give their money to their men to pay for them in public. It's a win win situation where they both feel good. Your Thai friend is probably taking the role of a woman and that also come with the idea that the man should lead. Many Thais still play this role but less so in the new generation. The fact that he is getting a British passport, this means he is planning to be in both countries which is the best way to go. It is sad to say, in Thailand, a 43 year old Thai person is already an uncle or an aunt. In general, you will not see many old Thai people wandering about. Age restriction is something I find very strange but this does not apply to foreigners. 

Your Thai friend is obviously an old-school person whom you are in love with. I once got a postcard with a picture of a woman faced with a gorilla and the caption saying, "Don't try to understand me. Just love me."