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Question about supporting family back home

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CBBC, I think you have been very generous with Mom, mind you when I first met my wife, I promised her 20,000 per month to buy food, etc. and do with as she pleased. That was 1999.  Over the course of time I also 'loaned' money to various family members. Only one has ever paid it back. Your wife works and has gone to University, she needs to be a bigger contributor to the family wealth.  I wanted my wife available to take care of our son and to travel when I was 'off' on holiday. So she did not work.

 

You've already mentioned that you've paid for one operation... Be prepared in future to say 'no'.  I said yes 8 yrs ago and my wifes mother did not fair well.  The op was successful, but she spent 3 or 4 weeks in intensive care.  She never 'really' walked again and died in our home after my wife and niece cared for her for 2 weeks.  The hospital, operation and doctor's bill was US$250,000 plus. We never really recovered from that. You don't know when those surgeries will go wrong. Say 'no' to them or buy her a health insurance policy.

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 Culture is just an excuse for unacceptable behavior. Pretty much the way children act out until they realise what works and what doesn’t. 

 

Have a family and expect someone else to pay for it, risible. Like others have said, a Thai girl feels entitled and will not contribute to household liabilities. A Thai girl with nephews, nieces is expected to contribute, laughable. 

 

If a family member is in genuine need then, of course it’s up to others to assist, but not a responsibility. Calling it culture is a cop out of lazy and narrow minded selfish people. 

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On 8/15/2019 at 6:23 AM, CBBC said:

Thanks for your advice.

How much do you send your mother?

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1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

That's how marriage works,

Everything she earns, she spends on herself.

Everything you earn gets spent on the household.

Doesn't matter what the nationality of the woman is.

Isn't that one of the marriage vows that the woman makes - "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too"?

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40 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

That's how marriage works,

Everything she earns, she spends on herself.

Everything you earn gets spent on the household.

Doesn't matter what the nationality of the woman is.

Sometimes I question your upbringing and what made you this way. My parents as I was growing up always shared the household expenses. They both worked full time, and my dad was making more than my mom so he typically paid for the bigger things while she paid for the smaller things. She was never a big spender and both of them put money away in savings/investments regularly.

 

 

The last girl I was living with (Japanese) was making about half as me but insisted on paying half the household expenses - said there's no reason why I should pay a bigger share than her. She wasn't a big spender either and would've been a great wife if it wasn't for her nutjob of a mother (there we go again...) who didn't want money, just to control her life.

 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, PingRoundTheWorld said:

They both worked full time, and my dad was making more than my mom so he typically paid for the bigger things while she paid for the smaller things.

Women are generally lazy, less motivated to work and earn money than men.

Why should his greater disposable income due to his harder work ethic be used to make up for her shortcomings?

Sorry it's 50/50 or it doesn't work.

And I've never found any women that even contributes 20 to his 80.

 

"She pays for the smaller things"

Yeah, same here, my gf brings home Grapow moo for me once a month, I pay for the house, utils and all the family food.

That makes us an equal partnership too.

Edited by BritManToo

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Sounds like Cheap Charlie---for one 3,000 baht a month is nothing. 6,000 baht monthly can help mom and should not be reduced because your  wife's lazy brother won't get a job. Why should the mother suffer for the sins of her son.  In Thai culture oldest daughter usually take care of mom but irregardless of that you know if from poor Issan family you and your wife can contribute to mom far more easily than any other family members making Thai wages in Issan. 

If she has a degree start using it and get a good job that she can help family in Thailand as well as help put away some for exspenses in USA.

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On 8/15/2019 at 1:23 AM, CBBC said:

What is your advice given the situation?

Families and needs are different.

 

Furthermore, as comment to your statement "I come from a family where we all financially take care of ourselves and our future so I am having trouble personally accepting this aspect of the culture but I do understand it exists"; in Thailand it is (still) widely expected that children, and often it's the daughters, takes care of parents, sometimes including grand parents, and minor members of a family.

 

6k baht a month doesn't sound scaring in my ears as support for a mom in her fifties, and also taking care of a 6 year old niece; even she has some income as self-employed from a street kitchen business. And that a son don't work, and still stay "home", is also heard of before.

 

A 6 year old alone can easily cost average 6k baht a month in expenses. Anyting between 5k baht and 10k baht a month in family support would not be unusual, and sometimes a family back home is supported with 15k baht a month.

 

Many farang-Thai couples I know that live abroad, meaning in the farang's home country, arrange it so that the Thai wife's income is hers, and she can decide what to do, including supporting her family; i.e. the husband provide the living expenses in his home country.

 

Other's make a fixed allowance for their wife, especially if the wife don't have an income of her own – including couples settled in Thailand – and if the wife need to support her family, she will do it from her allowance.

 

Extraordinary matters will normally be excluded.

 

But all families are different, and it's of course also a question of the family's income, and thereby capability to support, or rather how much. Children are often considered as "retirement saving", and a husband as a "provider". It's not that different from our own Western world in old time, but it's a major difference to our modern Western life-style, where one is saving up for retirement; consider it as a cultural gap that need to be accepted.

 

Bearing in mind that we are all different, my advice, given the situation, is:

 

Let your wife keep her salary, or a (reasonable) fixed monthly allowance, she freely can dispose of. If she wish to support her family, including her niece's schooling and education. Then it's her choice, and she "use her own money", including if she wish to set money aside to help with with extras.

 

When visting home, first time i 5 years, it's expected that your wife bring something – i.e. gifts, or plenty of food – and expect she will support her family with some little extra, often by leaving money behind, which could be anything from a few thousand baht, but hardly less than 5k baht. Again, consider it as a cultural gap, even it might sometimes be hard for us Westerners to accept it – I have experienced it myself, it is hard to accept in the beginning – but your wife, might loose face if she don't act as expected; and the family might loose face if a farang's wife cannot bring something to the family. "Face" is important in Southeast Asia, not only in Thailand, but "face" can be little difficult for us aliens to (fully) understand.

 

I believe most of us entering a Thai relationship have thoughts about just being a cash cow that is drained by a gold digger, but we also need to accept being part of a different family structure than at home, so we need to find an acceptable balance.

 

6k baht a month – and even some more – is in my view within a reasonable limit, but having the individual income situation in mind, any amount is relative. You need to find a for both parts reasonable balance together with your wife.

🙂

 

 

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I live in the NE village 6,000 is very fair as long as the Mama is getting most of it. My .... uhhh wife two nephews and niece have

been living at our house along with Mama and Papa.

 

Anyway i was going to go on a tangent but deleted it.. Takk with your wife and maybe Grandma is giving some to the children. Best

if you could have them do some minimal chore daily to show as

a reward.... 

 

For me that’s home me and siblings were brought up. Teaches the 

children a bit. But it’s not an easy one to put in place and understand why...

 

This is what I pay and its a ok. Her sister clean house everyday 7 days a week 5,000. Her older sister take care of 10 cows 24/7 5,000.

Mama 10,000 a month she cleans and does other RTHK ha always 

busy and looks out for me. Papa nothing what ever he can get off 

Mama and the children have a much get odds.

 

the brother send money 3,000 every month for the two boys he and his wife live in BKK and work moto taxi and not sure what his wife does but she’s works ( not the children Mom). She a bit older

than him and he’s like 28...

 

have you visited the village yet.... and yes a number of 20 something males sit around on the dole,.. but there also

plenty that work...

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Posted (edited)
On 8/15/2019 at 7:04 AM, Worldplus said:

3K THB a month...wow... your getting off light..  I hear of lots of other people sending 10 times that..

 

To be honest..  I would send that amount.. The lazy ass brother will be putting pressure on ya wifes mother cos he sees it as easy money..

 

Let your wife pay with her money..  If you need to top it up with your own.. It cant be that much.. 100 usd a month is not a big amount..  Your wife seems like a level headed lady..  Good for her!!

 

Regards

 

         Let your wife pay with her money , please enlghten me .. 

          My wife has  only the salary , which i pay her mountly K15 , if she choose to supoort her mother , up to her . 

              I will not  directly , support her family . Not my problem ...

 

    

 

Edited by elliss
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The old saying is that a Thai lady cannot be happy drinking out of fine crystal while her mother is drinking from a coconut shell...

 

The brother is a non-issue and if lazy, they already know he won't help out and accept that..

 

We give the mom and dad about 7k a month which is plenty for 2 people... they lead a simple life in a home next to ours. So, expenses are easily met and they have some extra money to give to other family members and have some dignity and enjoyment... they do not ask for extra... 

 

The borrowing from a loan shark is a real problem. Hopefully you can educate her that this is unacceptable and nobody can make those type of payments... 

 

My family is great. If they need money, I provide no interest loans and they do pay back... and they are appreciative. 

 

Good luck and good taking care of your wife... there is nothing more important to my wife beyond helping her family and sharing her good fortune. 

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