50 Shades Of Grey

[Beachcomber]

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.
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Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke.

So I went for a smoke.
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'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked.
I nodded nervously.

'OK' she said and ate half my chips.
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Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers.

My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.
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'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly.

'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'
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She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!'

'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'
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She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy.

It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.
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They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it.

Too many women, not enough thyme.
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'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.'

So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
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Her body trembled and shook. 'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried.

'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.
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'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!'

'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'
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'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall.

'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'
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'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!'

I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.
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My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless.

No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
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'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!'

'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.
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'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'

'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'
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As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.'

'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
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'Say something dirty!' she begged. 'The kitchen floor,' I said disapprovingly.