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charliechoc

Is my marriage in trouble if the in-laws don’t like me?

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Posted (edited)

Is my marriage in trouble if the in-laws don’t like me? I’ve been married for 6 yrs and we have a daughter. In the first few yrs of marriage we lived in the parents city. Then we moved away for a new start because I wanted some independence from her family. Her parents recently retired and have been visiting a lot. Sometimes I only find out a day before they arrive. I’m not happy with their behaviour as described below.

 

Last year the wife and I walked upstairs and looked inside the in-laws room to find her father in his boxer shorts lying naked on the ground with our daughter sitting/lying on his back giving him a back massage. If you can be bothered to read it I reported it here:

 

Her mother subsequently came alone to stay and was with us during the covid lockdown period for 5 to 6 weeks. In the 5th week I found out that the old woman had instructed my daughter to touch her nipples. When confronting her about this I was standing up pointing at her with my angry red face- telling her this was unacceptable. My wife was more normal but was also very unhappy with her behaviour. She said to my wife in Thai ‘I cant believe you would tell him this’… She left soon after saying that her grandmother used to do the same to her blah blah… I later found out from my wife that she was scared at that moment when I was standing up yelling at her.

 

My wife is very forgiving and no doubt doesn’t care anymore about what happened. I’m the opposite.

 

I’ve noticed slight changes in my wifes personality and we are having issues about other things. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore period. A few weeks on I can feel things are different between us now.

 

Will my marriage last in view of the fact that her parents categorically don’t like me? I know my place is low down on the pecking order but personally don’t care and will stand my ground to protect my daughter at any cost. I don’t care about their feelings if they behave in a way that is detrimental to my daughters well being. In these circumstances the ‘losing face’ thing is all B.S and I don’t care about that either. IMHO they both need to know that I’m <deleted> and serious about my daughter. I have no one to talk about this and suppose that’s one of the reasons I’m posting this message.

 

I don’t want them to come and stay anymore and its awkward to ask this. I sometimes have to work away from home and thus if they are staying I worry about this. cheers

 

Edited by charliechoc
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Posted (edited)

Dreadful position to be in, put your foot down.

 

If your wife doesn't listen, tell her your up and leaving, because you feel so strongly about this, provide her with your reasoning, along with your fears in a gentle but firm way, let her know you are her father and you have every right to want to protect your daughter and she should respect that.

 

Damn, I couldn't accept this in a million years, fortunately my wife is with me on how we raise our daughters, they are never left alone and no one stays in our place, regardless, in-laws are up the road.

 

Edited by 4MyEgo
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Posted (edited)

Like Sheryl mentioned, counseling is the best route, provided you find a bilingual that's competent in family matters. Unbiased opinions here are good, but a lot of people won't listen to anyone besides a "professional". Some here,like myself, have studied psychology on their own, and may know as much or more than a shrink, but again, it's the paper they listen to. Saving your marriage for everyone's sake is always best, IF you can get your Thai wife to listen to the pattern that's going on here, that probably,  if the grandparents, her parents, are doing this,they already have to her. Her admitting to herself they are doing things that are immoral isn't going to be easy. That's why you need an unbiased professional to talk with her and explain that whatever may have happened to her in her past, wasn't her fault, and she has to protect her own daughter from the same. Predators like her dad slowly worm their way into victims lives, and a child that small has no idea that gramps or granny are doing things that aren't right or normal, and before you know it, the child has become a victim to their advances, and will take this thinking into adulthood. NOW is the time to stop it. If your wife will agree to see a counselor, that's great. If not, you don't have much else to do besides doing your best to always be sure your daughter isn't left alone with them, or anyone else for that matter, that you don't really trust, and that isn't an easy thing.You can't take your daughter away from her mother in most countries, and especially this one, as even though the courts are pretty fair about custody issues, even if you're a falang, taking a child away from it's mother is hard anywhere. You would have to prove that the mom is doing things with her daughter, or leaving her alone with someone that's a proven threat, or people involved in drugs. You\ll get joint custody, which is worse than now because then the child will be half the time with your wife, and she might not be watching her all the time when her parents are around.

Edited by fredwiggy

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18 minutes ago, madmen said:

Your wife will most likely side with her parents and slowly start  to pull away. This could could take years until your so distant that you will slip away or she will, apparently according to you're previous posts this is in progress

Its sad and proof that generally buhdist Thai women and westerners struggle to find common ground.

You could wait 2 more years before its over or you could knock it on the head now.

Knock it on the head now, what do you need to wait for? is this not what they call grooming you know in your mind what the next step will be

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I don't say your wife parent's isin't weird. Anyway trying to mix 2 different culture is always hard. 

Have to tolerate weird behavior. Ofcource not too strange! But remember , how you act looking weird to them .Imo you can't separe your wife from her family , coz it mean most to her. That way you going to doom your marriage 100%. Best way is to try tell your opinion and way in life and want she and family respect that also!

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1 hour ago, Sheryl said:

Is it possible to get your wife to go into counseling with you?

 

Certainly you have to protect your daughter from this behavior but it would be best, if at all possible, to save the marriage.

 

It will boil down to your wife understanding this is wrong and finding it in herself to assert.  Which may be complex if she suffered abuse herself as a child.

Thanks for all the replies. It never occurred to me that she could have been subjected to similar things as a child- until I read the replies here. 

 

Ive lost a lot of sleep over this and now feel ok. I would be up for counseling but think the wife is not. Actually she is very hard to talk to in general. Never opens up to me. She's not an emotional person. Incredibly hard to talk to unless it has something to do with our business that she owns/runs. 

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