Should I help?

[Lacessit]

My GF's granddaughter is switching schools to some kind of higher education. 15 yo, no idea how accomplished she is academically. Wants to be a Japanese translator. I don't have a high opinion of the Thai education system.

My GF has asked me if I would contribute half her education costs, amount as yet unspecified.

She's a nice kid. However, my first thought is the Thai mother and father ( divorced ) seem to be singularly absent from the conversation. She has lived with her grandmother for about 5 years now, the mother and father drop in occasionally.

What would you do?

 

[n00dle]

Do you like the kid? Do you want to help? 

 

If the answer to the questions is yes, then help.

[blackcab]

I would consider it, but I would want much more detail. I would also put a limit on it. For example, you will help until she finishes this school, but if she wants to go to university then you will review her progress before you say yes or no to helping with uni fees.

 

Also pay the school fees directly.

[FritsSikkink]

She will go to year 4 of secondary education. You get a certificate after 3 years.

[mfd101]

My experience with a niece (now 17) is that you need to make any financial assistance very explicitly dependent on her hard work & progress in her studies.

 

In practice that's hard to do, depending on how good your Thai is or her English or her mother's. I found myself in the situation that I was unable to find out what our niece was actually studying or how she was doing. My b/f is without formal education so unable to ask, and she never offered. My offers of assistance with English were met with silence ... Until recently when she failed the exams for the princess scholarship she held and ran off to live with her 18-year-old boyfriend, thereby quitting the reasonably OK school she was at & allowing me to wash my hands of further responsibility.

 

Lesson for me: 'Helping' anyone in Thailand from a poor & illiterate background is much harder than you think. Avoiding a pregnancy is the best we can hope for now.

 

 

[Dumbastheycome]

I would say support the initiative  for as  long as it  is demonstrably genuine in results.

That is after ascertaining the real purpose! e.g. is a boy she fancies also moving  schools?

Been there as an experience.

[Yinn]

https://www.eef.or.th/en/eef/

 

 

https://www.edfthai.org/en/

 

 

[bodga]

NO, simple short and  sweet.

[Lacessit]

20 minutes ago, Dumbastheycome said:

I would say support the initiative  for as  long as it  is demonstrably genuine in results.

That is after ascertaining the real purpose! e.g. is a boy she fancies also moving  schools?

Been there as an experience.

No boys involved as yet, although it is a valid point.

[Pilotman]

If it is part of a concerted family effort to help, that is everyone chips in for the duration, however small the amount they can afford, then I would say yes, provided, as others have said, you have gateways on academic performance that the girl must meet. Another issue may be, are there other kids in the family system that are just as deserving of help that you will be asked to help. My wife and I helped three of our nieces to learn English and all have used that skill to get better jobs, bar one, who went off and got pregnant, twice, but even she is now studying, so it was all worth it. 

[anterian]

I would make it conditional that she does her homework in your home, not her grandparents. You may not understand the homework but at least you can see she is not just playing on her iPhone.

[BEVUP]

Can she even speak some english

they all want to do things but is it plausable

depends on the childs ability 

if it becomes to hard they just drop it 

[Lacessit]

10 minutes ago, BEVUP said:

Can she even speak some english

they all want to do things but is it plausable

depends on the childs ability 

if it becomes to hard they just drop it 

She can speak some limited English, and is studying it. I have helped her with homework a few times.

[473geo]

From what I have experienced, if encouraged and supported, Thai children can be very industrious and apply themselves, sure doesn't always work out the way we expect, that should not prevent providing the opportunity.

I don't know your girlfriend but would suggest she approached you because she felt this was something worthwhile

 

[twocatsmac]

1 hour ago, anterian said:

I would make it conditional that she does her homework in your home, not her grandparents. You may not understand the homework but at least you can see she is not just playing on her iPhone.

Absolutely in his home and show gratitude, maybe clean some items. 

????

[Scott]

If you are in a position to help financially, do so.   Education is always a good investment.   It may not benefit you directly, but of all the things people spend money on, I'd say this is a pretty good option.  

 

[AlexRich]

You know the girl better than anyone on here. I’d say if you believe she will take it seriously and the cost does not significantly eat into your income then agree to fund the first year, with any further years dependent on passing the exams. So you have a get out clause if she’s not applying herself. But if the funding adds to your economic burden then just explain that you can’t afford it ... sorry. Ultimately she is not your responsibility.

[Lacessit]

4 hours ago, twocatsmac said:

Absolutely in his home and show gratitude, maybe clean some items. 

????

She does help her grandmother with stuff like doing my laundry, or clearing away dining plates.

[Pilotman]

10 hours ago, anterian said:

I would make it conditional that she does her homework in your home, not her grandparents. You may not understand the homework but at least you can see she is not just playing on her iPhone.

Learning is a very individual thing.  In those far off days, I did my homework  with a stereo blaring out for hours, my Dad thought I was mad, but left me to it.  So long as she meets the milestones set for her, I would leave her to do it in her own way. Maybe her grandparents house is just the place, only she will know. 

[Lacessit]

14 hours ago, Yinn said:

https://www.eef.or.th/en/eef/

 

 

https://www.edfthai.org/en/

 

 

Do you have the first link in Thai, so I can have my GF read it? Translator icon not working.

[Yinn]

9 hours ago, Lacessit said:

Do you have the first link in Thai, so I can have my GF read it? Translator icon not working.

https://www.eef.or.th

[scorecard]

On 6/18/2020 at 11:52 PM, blackcab said:

I would consider it, but I would want much more detail. I would also put a limit on it. For example, you will help until she finishes this school, but if she wants to go to university then you will review her progress before you say yes or no to helping with uni fees.

 

Also pay the school fees directly.

 

Many schools & universities in LOS had serious problems with students paying and getting a receipt from the immediate admin. staff then later the student get's a request from the actual accounting dept., for the whole school 'please pay your fees, your overdue. 

 

Proven again and again the local admin gave a receipt but they pocketed the money.

 

One uni I'm aware of had very serious problems with this, a few years back they started a new system:

 

1. Every admin. dept had to give a numbered and fully itemized bill to every students just before the start of registration for each semester, and the bill had to have the name and number of a bank account with Krung Thai bank. 

 

2. Student or family member had to pay at the bank /bank transfer direct to this account quoting the student number.  Within a few minutes of payment the student gets an e.mail confirming receipt of the fees. Students told to never delete this e.mail. Students have to take a copy of the proof of payment e.mail to the uni book room to pick up books etc., for next course. Uni forbidden to ask students for extra money for books etc.

 

3. Nobody at the uni / no hangers on allowed to approach students asking them to pay more or offering them 'extras', all totally banned. 

 

4. Students told to immediately write their names and student number on their new books before they leave the book room, security guard at door has to see the names / students, on all books. If they just write their nick name 'Doi' or whatever security guard won't accept, tells them to write full name / students number, every book. If they forget books in the classroom and maid hands the books to admin, the admin staff are totally banned from asking the students to pay a recovery fee. 

 

The new system is not complicated, it worked and quickly made a big positive change to attitudes of staff. 

 

 

 

 

[rumak]

I have just skimmed the answers posted so far,  and except for Yinn's input,  the opinions are

almost all     If this, on condition of that,  dependent on this,  to be reviewed periodically, etc.

 

Those are all good points,  and in my experience the oversight required would be quite an undertaking

as well as IMO  an almost certain recipe for future disagreements and problems between the parties involved.    It just is what happens !!

Reminds me of the advice:   don't give a loan,  if you are going to "help"  just give the money or whatever outright and do not expect anything in return.

 

And then there is the famous saying "  No good deed goes unpunished" 

 

Hard to be so cynical,  took years of experience

[473geo]

48 minutes ago, rumak said:

I have just skimmed the answers posted so far,  and except for Yinn's input,  the opinions are

almost all     If this, on condition of that,  dependent on this,  to be reviewed periodically, etc.

 

Those are all good points,  and in my experience the oversight required would be quite an undertaking

as well as IMO  an almost certain recipe for future disagreements and problems between the parties involved.    It just is what happens !!

Reminds me of the advice:   don't give a loan,  if you are going to "help"  just give the money or whatever outright and do not expect anything in return.

 

And then there is the famous saying "  No good deed goes unpunished" 

 

Hard to be so cynical,  took years of experience

In my opinion better to monitor by continuing to show a little interest - possibly through the girlfriend, rather than attach 'terms and conditions' which suggest one is anticipating the worst

[scorecard]

On 6/19/2020 at 11:44 AM, Pilotman said:

Learning is a very individual thing.  In those far off days, I did my homework  with a stereo blaring out for hours, my Dad thought I was mad, but left me to it.  So long as she meets the milestones set for her, I would leave her to do it in her own way. Maybe her grandparents house is just the place, only she will know. 

What's also important is regular face to face encouragement and asking 'do you need anything', but not appearing to be checking/policing.

 

 

[BangkokReady]

2 hours ago, rumak said:

don't give a loan,  if you are going to "help"  just give the money or whatever outright and do not expect anything in return.

But it isn't a loan.  It's a gift and is being requested to assist in education.  It seems reasonable to make it conditional (since the justification is that it is for education and presumably a better future) upon the child genuinely making an effort, otherwise the gift is squandered and they may as well not pay.

 

"Please, it's for her future!!!"

 

**student proceeds to perform badly and squander opportunity**

 

"Gee, I'm so glad I spent my money on securing a good future for her."

[Lacessit]

2 hours ago, rumak said:

I have just skimmed the answers posted so far,  and except for Yinn's input,  the opinions are

almost all     If this, on condition of that,  dependent on this,  to be reviewed periodically, etc.

 

Those are all good points,  and in my experience the oversight required would be quite an undertaking

as well as IMO  an almost certain recipe for future disagreements and problems between the parties involved.    It just is what happens !!

Reminds me of the advice:   don't give a loan,  if you are going to "help"  just give the money or whatever outright and do not expect anything in return.

 

And then there is the famous saying "  No good deed goes unpunished" 

 

Hard to be so cynical,  took years of experience

I've never considered money given to my GF or her family as a loan. My approach is I expect the father and mother to be responsible for contributing to the support of their children. If they think

this farang is an easy source of funds, they are sadly mistaken.

Your saying does resonate with me, because I tried to do the right thing by a former defacto in Australia. That experience, and her greed,  has made me far less trusting.

[1FinickyOne]

On 6/18/2020 at 8:05 PM, Lacessit said:

I don't have a high opinion of the Thai education system.

Not pertinent... sounds like an excuse to not help...

 

If you like the kid and want to give encouragement and help out, then you will contribute... there is no guarantee that it will work out ok... anything might happen. All you can do is help with the opportunity or not... 

 

I have helped many of the children in my family - sometimes it works, sometimes not. But because it doesn't work for some, it does not mean that I should not give to others... 

[Kurtf]

If it was me and I cared about this girl, I would pay the 1/2 school tuition. However I would make sure to pay the money directly to the school and not let it pass through the hands of the mother, father or grandmother. I also would want to see her report card each 6 months.

[rvaviator]

 

You will never know unless you try - Show an interest and it may all work out very well.