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jfchandler

Trip Back Home To Meet The Parents In Kk For Song Kran

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I would go the "my money is tied up for a couple of years" route, I like that and might need to remember this myself soon, from what I have seen once you open your wallet it forever stays open, Goodluck.

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You stayed in one of the best hotels in town.....go to a nice clean restaurant and pay for everything no problem. You offer the Dad a bottle, not of 100 Pipers, but Black Johnnie. Good on you as it shows you can afford these things.

Then they say they are worried you can not "take care of their daughter"? No, my friend this is to me a set up. I would not really happen that the father would say such a ridiculous thing unless you were a back packer. In which case thay would probably acccept you anyway and hope you may make some money in the furure. half a farang is better than none!!! LOL. The crying is always the instant tap syndrome. Thai girls can cry on cue......no problem. This was not real grief, tears or sadness.

Sorry to say. Time to move on as the demands are too much too quick. But whatever you do I wish you all the best.

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PS. JF. If you build the house you will almost certainly lose it within months. DO NOT even consider it now. Tell her the truth. Far too early to ask me for a house.....why did you ask so soon off me?? Who will own the house? What plan did you have for me when you asked me to build a hoiuse?

All this stuff and more....see what she comes up wioth.

We are not trying to burst your bubbble ...just trying to maybe save you heatbreak and loss.

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I agree with the comments along the lines of "my money's tied up for 2 years, can you wait till then?" - that's a VERY good response!

I will say that I think there can be a strong element of a 'face race' amongst Thai (Isaan?) girls with farang other halves - who can have the bigger house, newer pick up truck etc etc etc I am NOT saying it's right, but I have seen it happen. Unfortunate fact of life and, yes, indicative of families who view farangs in all the wrong ways when you get to the heart of it...

My wife is currently building a new house in the village at roughly the same cost as the OP is talking about. All I will say is that my wife and I have been together since 2003 and she only asked me about it late last year when it was clear (even to my eyes) that the old place was about to collapse - a couple of months seems awful quick to make such a request to me...

My condition on giving this money was that ONLY my wife now appears on the "chanote" - all others have been removed. The house can be her asset and she can let her mum or anybody else live in it if she wishes but I personally would NOT gift assets to the family / hangers on / bludgers / term them as you will...

The OP has sensibly said he's not rushing in and he should stick to this approach and see what the response is IMHO

CC

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Read my lips...and words...please....

"Nor was/am I planning to get married with her any time soon, or haul off and fork over 1 million baht for their family house. But I am trying to decide how best to respond to their request, and what to do about my relationship with the lady."

Thanks again...

Not a cynical offer of advice ( read common sense ) but for my 2 bahts worth i,d ..........................

Do as other have suggested, say your money is tied up and you cannot access it for x amount of time.

If she sticks with you and she stops putting the little hints of buying this and that, then rethink the situation, you will buy yourself time to assess if your relationship is genuine or about money.

Remember the line of a well know Beatles song " MONEY CAN,T BUY ME LOVE "

( Incidently it,s a pity Macca didn,t listen to his words ), but this is possibly off topic regarding your area of contention and doubt.

If she takes the high road then you will have saved yourself 1 MIL and what ever may follow on from this, be so much wiser, hopefully, and cautious the next time it may happen. ????????

Thai,s can cry at will so do not let this show of distress and upset influence your judgement.

marshbags :o

IMHO of course :D

Edited by marshbags

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[( Incidently it,s a pity Macca didn,t listen to his words ), but this is possibly off topic regarding your area of contention and doubt.

RY12

Just a thought, I read somewhere that 'visiting the Thai family' is the same as wanting to get married. But and a big BUT, the family and your girl are being dishonest with you. RUN FOREST RUN ! :o

MARSHBAGS

Macca was lucky, In days of olde, Omnipeds would have robbed you AND MADE YOU WALK THE PLANK :D:D:D (OFF TOPIC)

Dave

Edited by Dave the Dude

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I am 100% sure that this is a shakedown. Issan parents want to see there daughters married because there is still shame in traditional families when their daughters sleep with men outside of marrage. If this was ligit they would be talking about sin sot and marrage not building a house. The daughter would not be staying with you in your hotel either.

If you stall about paying any money than you are only opening yourself up to plan B to extract money from you. You have already established that this women is after money now you have to decide if you want to hitch yourself to what will no doubt be a lifetime of money demands. She and her family have already figured out that your enough of a sucker to still stick around after the 1mm baht pitch so they will just work on closing you on a lesser amount.

I would move on now before she figures out what your soft spot is.

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I suppose the stories that we farangs have to tell about sĭn-sòt tong mân are legion. In my own case I keep feeling that I am taking part in the production of some medieval morality play. Wealthy old foreign prince comes to land of beautiful female peasants to seek nubile young bride to take care of his every need. To test the prince's good intentions the family of his chosen one exact a price for their gift which will definitely hurt the prince's sense of material complacency and at the same time display to the other peasant families that they (and their beautiful nubile daughter) have scored a great achievement. That's the basic plot, but it's up to us all to be playwriters as well as the central characters. The script of version of the play involving my Thai lady, her family and myself is still being written and has already undergone a series of major revisions in the past eight months since we all met. Only time will tell whether it is ever performed.

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J F. The family are ripping you off big time. Or trying to.

Only you will know if your Girlfriend is on the level or not.

Edited by Lite Beer

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All I will add to this is that sometimes families put an extremely large amount of pressure on the girl to get married, build a house etc.. especially when a farang is involved.

Also in Isaan the family bond is very strong and the children do tend to do what they are told by the parents, I would say they feel obligated sometimes, even long into adulthood and middle ages.

To mirror the advise above, say that the money is there, and you will be happy to build a house (if that's what you want), but only after you are married, after 2 years etc..

You can also bet she's getting plenty of pressure to get married also, expect that discussion soon.

Just because this has happened it doesn't mean they're out to get you, just that maybe their expectations are to high, and you most certainly don't have to go along with it.

Take it slow, explain it to the GF, if she is serious about your relationship she'll find a way around this and deal with it, more importantly use your brain.

Totster :o

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Bad behaviour from girlfriend and her family. :o

Be very careful, the parents are obviously looking for "showcase house" money, not "happyness" or good live for the daughter. If you want a future with this girl, tell her it does not include her family, and settle down far away from KK. If she don't agree..............................walk away.

There are plenty of good Isaan girls - and parents :D

In a word mate your doomed I have been here 28yrs seen this so many times / seen men cheat families back in UK to play keep up with the Jones, take it from me she and the family loves your money not you, i have never seen a relationship work when the family applies the pressure / bail out mate!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by martyh01

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I'd "tie-up" my funds too and see what develops. I'm thinking this is more a case of trying to keep up with the "Samak's" than greed, so it may work out. However, meanwhile, never underestimate the power her family have over her. I had a wonderful relationship with a girl some years ago. We lived together for almost 5 years and never had an argument and never talked of marriage, building houses, etc. Even made numerous trips to her village and her family dug me. Then her youngest sister got married to a Dutch guy and the family started pressing my GF for us to marry. Never indicated they wanted anything except not to have their last unmarried daughter living with a falang not officially hooked up. I of course resisted. Her mother called every day and nagged so, after about 4 months of continous pressure neither of us could stand it so we split. Have always regretted it a little bit but the choices left to me were all unacceptable so I took the "least worse." Keep your eyes and ears open and plod on.

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The idea of lying and saying your money is tied up is ridiculous. The only way to have a good relationship is to be honest. Work out how you feel about things and then tell her. Do your best to work things out honestly.

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Want to say thanks to everyone for your advice and comments. They have helped me think about the situation...and with all of your experiences at hand.

I think it's pretty simple at this point: I will not be building a house for her family any time soon, and am not even sure I would if we had a good relationship in the future (because of the legal pitfalls of farang property ownership in Thailand). Buying a condo or something for she and I might be a different question...down the road, if everything worked out great.

However, the way her family acted really put me off, and it's been said before, when you marry a Thai lady, you are also marrying with her family. So that's always an important area to consider.

As I told someone in a personal message, it went following our first family meeting together roughly like this: a) that night, the GF said her family liked me and she was happy; :o the next morning after talking with Mom, she said her family didn't think I could take care of her; c) later that day, she told me her Mom wanted her to go back to BKK right away; and finally d) the following day, she told me her family would be fine about us, if I built a house for the family. To me, that's CRAZY!!!

So, if she stays with me now, then, I will know the score. And if she bails, I'll likewise know the score. Either way, I'm fine with the outcome. As various folks have said, I do honestly believe there is a lot of pressure to keep up with the Samaks, as someone put it, when there's already a farang-Thai marriage in the village. And likewise, I believe her family is putting a lot of pressure on the lady, and she is, like many Thai ladies, very beholden to her Mom and family. So honestly, I wouldn't expect her to cross them, though it's possible I could be surprised...

About the comments below, she has told her family we are not sleeping together. And, the commenter below doesn't know if we are or not... So, don't presume to know something you don't know. She and her family specifically didn't want us to visit or stay in her home because, they said, they didn't want to start more gossip in the village unless we were getting married. So, that's why we stayed in the hotel in KK. And true or not, I was fine with that. More comfortable for me, and in keeping with the request of her family. Likewise, I think everyone can pretty much assume 1 million baht for a house would constitute a request of sin sod. So, that's exactly what her family was talking about...

Likewise, about the second comment below "farang who had nothings..." you likewise unfortunately don't know me or what you're talking about. If you want to throw opinions about, please at least base them on some semblance of knowledge and fact... In this case, you have neither. That would be much appreciated.

I am 100% sure that this is a shakedown. Issan parents want to see there daughters married because there is still shame in traditional families when their daughters sleep with men outside of marrage. If this was ligit they would be talking about sin sot and marrage not building a house. The daughter would not be staying with you in your hotel either.

..............

I would move on now before she figures out what your soft spot is.

I'm 100% agree with your opinion schooner and on the other hand i find that hard to belief that a thai's woman 20's something with university degree and a good job would going out with farang who had nothings never mind that sleeping in the same bed before they even engaged. just my two pennies....

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