Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[LindsayBKK]

I would just like to make it perfectly clear I am not a d...head!

But who is the QLD Premier again? Joh Bjelke-Petersen?

Edited June 2, 2010 by LindsayBKK

[peter991]

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.

'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said,

'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks

'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,

so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer.

'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[Jai Dee]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Chris Lawrence]

Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

That's how it's done, Folks!

NOW, that's real POLITICAL SPIN.

[Robby nz]

Is this true?

Are you aware of the following?

The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial assistance:-

^BENEFIT

AUSTRALIAN AGED PENSIONER ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN AUSTRALIA

Weekly allowance

$253.00 $472.50

Weekly Spouse allowance

$56.00 $472.50

Additional weekly hardship allowance

$0.00 $145.00

TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT

$16,068.00 $56,680.00

YES !!! These people get $40,612.00 'MORE' than our own True Blue Aussies

After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years

AUSTRALIA.......SAVE IT BEFORE WE LOSE IT............ITS NOT TO LATE !!

[midasthailand]

Is this true?

Are you aware of the following?

The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial assistance:-

^BENEFIT

AUSTRALIAN AGED PENSIONER ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN AUSTRALIA

Weekly allowance

$253.00 $472.50

Weekly Spouse allowance

$56.00 $472.50

Additional weekly hardship allowance

$0.00 $145.00

TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT

$16,068.00 $56,680.00

YES !!! These people get $40,612.00 'MORE' than our own True Blue Aussies

After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years

AUSTRALIA.......SAVE IT BEFORE WE LOSE IT............ITS NOT TO LATE !!

In answer to your question, NO, it is not true! if you check Snopes you will see that it is a crock! You can also visit Centerlink's Website and see for yourself what the various welfare payments are and who qualifies for them.

[Robby nz]

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6,000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah......and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus.... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought...

[biplanebluey]

I'd appreciate some Aussie jokes here please...at the mo I'm on to a hiding to nothing.Any humans (kiwis) help out here?

hows this Chuchok--------------------------

Man goes to Doctor and complains that his arse is ommiting some funny faint sounds.Doc says OK fella,drop your daks and we'll see whats going on.Doc bends over with his stethoscope on the man's arse,and after a few seconds says''you're ok mate--get dressed.'' I can only hear ''Waltzing Matilda"and a lot of <deleted> sing that song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nignoy]

A real Australian joke,Here goes,Australia expect to win the soccer worldcup cant get much funnier than that

[peter991]

Brisbane Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Brisbane River, near the Storey Bridge.

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excess alcohol consumption and a suspected drug overdose.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, red garter belt, pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and a "Rudd for PM in 2010" t-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

Police removed the Rudd t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[Robby nz]

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.

"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Jai Dee]

For those that voted for change...

[Robby nz]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[peter991]

WALK NAKED IN AUSTRALIA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1.00PM Eastern Standard Time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

P.S. It is your patriotic duty to circulate this and inform others. If you don't send to at least 1 person, you are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs.

[peter991]

Got to thinking today:

Socrates was poisoned

Julius Caesar was stabbed to death.

Napoleon died in exile.

Abraham Lincoln was shot.

Gandhi was shot.

Kevin Rudd was Gillardteened.

[peter991]

FREE KITTENS

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, red-haired, grinning woman.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister Gillard. What do you have in the basket?" she asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Julia.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labor supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Julia Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, it was agreed that the prime minister should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC,Channel 7, SBS, Ten & Nine.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Gillard got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," she said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes mam," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."

Taken by surprise, the prime minister stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were Labor supporters."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

[Robby nz]

The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming Association by the Federal Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, ‘Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those dingo’s ain't f***in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Jai Dee]

A Northern Territory Black Fella picks up a hooker off the streets in Darwin.

'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'You do Black Fella style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 do it Black Fella style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Black Fella style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says,

'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Black Fella style..'

She thinks,

'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Black Fella Style be?'

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is ' Black Fella style'?'

The Black Fella replies 'You send bill to Government'.

[Robby nz]

After Making Love

The Italian says :

'When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and

gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed

in ecstasy'.

The Frenchman replies:

'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend,

Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet

wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.

The Aussie says:

'Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my missus, I get out

of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains.

And MATE ..... She hits the f*#king roof.'

[Robby nz]

If this is true then it would seem that Ned Kelly is on the loose again.

Reported by Australian Police Department Please take note you never know!!

While driving on a rural end of the roadway on Thursday morning, I saw an infant carseat on the side of the road with a blanket draped over it. For whatever reason, I did not stop, even though I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head. But when I got to my destination, I called the Police and they were going to check it out. But, this is what the Police advised even before they went out there to check....

"There are several things to be aware of ... gangs and thieves are now plotting different ways to get a person (mostly women) to stop their vehicle and get out of the car.

"There is a gang initiation reported by the local Police Department where gangs are placing a carseat by the road...with a fake baby in it...waiting for a woman, of course, to stop and check on the abandoned baby.

Note that the location of this carseat is usually beside a wooded or grassy (field) area and the person -- woman -- will be dragged into the woods, beaten and raped, and usually left for dead. If it's a man, they're usually beaten and robbed and maybe left for dead, too.

DO NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON!!! Dial 000 AND REPORT WHAT YOU SAW, BUT DON'T EVEN SLOW DOWN.

If you are driving at night and eggs are thrown at your windshield/car, do not operate the wiper, do not stop and do not spray any water because eggs mixed with water become milky and block your vision up to 92.5% and you are then forced to stop beside the road and become a victim of these criminals.

This is a new technique used by gangs.

These are desperate times and these are unsavory individuals who will take desperate measures to get what they want.

[Robby nz]

Seems the women are

Heard on the PA system:

'Clean up on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Husband Down

Janet and Eddie are shopping in their local Coles supermarket.

Eddie picks up a slab of Carlton Draught and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Janet.

'They're on sale, at only $15 for 24 cans' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them!' demands Janet, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along Janet picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies Janet.

Eddie retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Carlton Draught, and they're only half the price.'

Then down he went ... !!!

[Chris Lawrence]

A grain of truth in everything......

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Robby nz]

Aboriginal Tracker Somewhere between Karratha and Onslow

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the

middle of the road, an Aborigine..

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied,

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one.. The left pront tyre is bald.

The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel..

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied......... I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!".

[Antathome]

WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a

free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional ######. We come from

many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and

although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to

bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's

Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is

the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big

horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that

"it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it

is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar ,thin

books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has

more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its

mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to

keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family

that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra

chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest

faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the

Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of

foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where

else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in

Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the

Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One

drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim

to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the

men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last

state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the

government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep

stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty

kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere

on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of

anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national

culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our

way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document

defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God

probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next??

Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists

and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our

lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy

when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better

than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political

party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still

not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave

that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right

mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So

what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love

sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race

and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all

the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting,

two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies,

the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known

universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little

people, at least we feel better for it.

You are, I am, we are Australian.

throw in the aussies, brits, dago's, <deleted>, russians, yanks, plus you name it, and it sounds like thailand in the making

Nah, nothing like Thailand - in Australia the government spends all of its time working out ways to screw you financially. We have a red head for a PM who wants us all to sing the Internationale whilst we stitch fake animal skins together to keeps us warm in out caves. We can't afford houses anymore.

[Jai Dee]

Two Aussies are drinking together.

One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”

The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

[Odysseus123]

4 minutes ago, Jai Dee said:

Two Aussies are drinking together.

One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”

The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

Strewth Jai Dee-the last post was 7 years ago....

So have yer been flat out like a lizard drinkin' in the meantime? ?

 

I

[Jai Dee]

1 minute ago, Odysseus123 said:

Strewth Jai Dee-the last post was 7 years ago....

So have yer been flat out like a lizard drinkin' in the meantime? ?

 

I

Always mate. 

 

It took me a few hours to find this classic thread... aged like a fine wine!

[Jai Dee]

Entrapment