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warfie

Worst Joke Ever

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A sprightly 101 year old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. 

 

She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great great grandchildren ...

 

... and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

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A man is married to a wealthy Thai widow. Suspecting that she is having an affair, he returns home late at night, a day early from a golfing trip. He wants to catch her in the act.

 

While en route home, he asks the cabbie to be a witness. For 1,000 Baht tip, in addition to the cab fare from Swampy airport. The cabbie agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

 

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.


The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Benz I gave you for your birthday. He paid for our new Ratchaprasong house, the riverside condo, and the holiday homes in Hua Hin, Samui, and Chiang Mai. He paid for your golf club membership. And, he pays for all your 1st class flights to England and your Arsenal season ticket.


The husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

 

The cabbie replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.....and give him back the Arsenal tickets!!"

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Just been reading about a thief in the UK who was caught stealing the Advent calendar from a local school.

 

He was sent to the magistrates court and sent down for 21 days .😆

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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. 
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,

“Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,

 

 

“If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut up."

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A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog.

 

His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.

First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.

So the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.

 The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend,

“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

 

“I sure did,” replies his friend. “He can’t swim.”  
 

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 A redneck lion had to appear at the courthouse to prove he had been a good ruler of the animal kingdom. He was nervous about his first day in court, but his friends told him he’d be all right if he just focused on the questions the judge asked and answered them as best he could.
 The lion dressed up in his very best suit, and got to court right on time. He smiled at the judge and was very polite. He was a little shocked when the judge asked him, “Are you a lion?”

 

 

 “No, madam,” stammered the lion. “I swear, I’m telling the truth!”  
 

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