philo Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Well, I managed to survive this day too - so far. Felt like a child who has lost it's parents at a large fair when I walked out of the hospital today around 3PM. Got a tuktuk to take me straight to the hotel. But I should have accepted the hospital's offer of a car. When I reached the hotel, I was so winded up I was afraid there would be no room even if I have prepaid it and had the receipt. It took me an hour to realise that I wasn't going to run around insanely looking for a shelter. Went to the meeting in the morning by hospital car. After the meeting I called the hospital - no cars. Got back by a tuktuk. All ok then because I was still wearing my inpatient plastic 'bracelet'. The panic came after being discharged. Once settled in a little bit in the room I went out in the soi for a coffee. With two maps, I started my trip to the evening meeting by walking the soi and two roads to a corner where somebody told me there would be songtews coming by. It worked, so I got the second meeting also. (I was so nervous that I started out 45 minutes before the meeting - ex post it took 15). Same procedure back. Walking back to my soi, I passed a bar with open bottles. I was very close to end up there when I first came here around 3PM, but after the second meeting I just passed it. My tickets for the brown (my last one was green) bottles are all used up. I went further down the soi and challenged myself to order a coffee in a pool bar. Then I thought it was enough for today - more than enough - so I headed back to the hotel and got this 20 Baht little white card with a Username and a Password on it. It is only 30 minutes internet time, and I forgot to look at the PC clock, so I hope it won't die before I hit the Add Reply. I really would like a beer now, but I know that I am saved today. I have water, juice, some food, TV and a bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Philo, I join the general congratulations re your choices. Addiction's a hard one to beat.You have the 'ring of authenticity' too: the self-understanding that one who's been to the bottom often has. I'm curious: if you've been drunk for 20 years, how have you managed to earn a living, travel, & now to admit yourself to Bumrumgrad? 1. I am 52 and emptied my first bottle of Vodka at around 14 years of age. 2. Drinking in the evening, night (and even morning) every day does not neccesarily prohibit working daytime monday to friday. 3. Savings, house sold, private pension plans, early retirement from government university job. 4. I am in Chiang Mai, not Bangkok. 5. In your best interest, please do not ask about anything more unless you want a guide to disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Well, thanks to everyone. I forgot to write down the time I opened the second 30 minutes card. I will meet my wife and two children on the 19th. Nobody knows what will happen before then or at that day. The card will soon die, so I am over and out. philo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAceFace Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Keep strongn Philo,congrats on getting this far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cognos Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 you may want to quit smoking too after some period of sobriety..then you will have all the monkeys off your back..most people at AA smoke like crazy..just another slow suicide. Good Luck 2u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lancashirelad Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Philo, i'm pleased to read you are doing so well. Please keep it up. You have a tough time to go through yet, but it will definately be worth it. Don't try to do it on your own, involve us here, your friends at AA and your family. About writing to Thaivisa, keep it up, we all want to see that you're ok. Before you open IE, look around to see if the computer has "word" or "office" similar on it, write what you want to say in there, then copy it. Then sign in and just paste into here. Don't forget to go back to the original & delete it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 Thanks. 12 clean days (Oct. 1-12); 13 periods of 24 hours in 10 minutes (Sep. 30 8.30 AM till Oct. 13 8.30 AM since the last beer). But I am depressed and desolate to the point of crying. Last time I spoke to my wife when in hospital, I told her I would't survive going back to our (hers: built from my money) house in the sticks of Nong Khai. I have never slept in it anyway, we built a small 'resort' like house first; and when the new house was 'finished' (this word is a joke in Thai construction), I couldn't take the jungle and her family anymore and moved to Udon. She came after with our daughter. I also said that I cannot live in Udon anymore (I have been drunkdriving to and from AA meetings, my daughter' kindergarten, smugling bottles and cans in and out of hospitals (wrapped in laundry) when my children were hospitalised, drinking almost continously after she changed to another room 2-3 months ago et. ad infinitum. Thus I told her that I will try to live in CM, where there are two AA meetings filled with now sober low bottom drunks every day. I didn't ask her explicitely if she wanted to come also, but after some indirect talk she said that 'she wanted to live where I live'. Yesterday I called her and said I have booked a room for Sun 18 in the amphur where I will apply for my 3rd or 4th one year extention which will be applied for Mon 19. I also said I will fly CM-BKK-UT Fri 16 or Sat 17, get all the documents and drive to the small town where 'our' immigration office is on Sunday morning. Then she said that 'She has thought well about it, (What the F, The B doesn't even have a brain') and she would not come to CM. Two weeks ago I would have said: 'F you, you F.ing stupid B, your mother is a M.key and your father is a WaterB, go F yourself, you F.ing Wh' (the language should be clear enough), closed the telphone, opened two new bottles and said' I don't give a F'. But I just said 'Up to you, I will call you later. Bye, Bye' as controlled as I could'. As she is physically to far away to throw objects (including the childrens' toys at me), she hung up. She couldn't take it that I didn't go crazy. I got seriously depressed in a matter of minutes, felt 10 years older, and was an inch from starting drinking. By chance I had seen a massage place down the soi, and walked zoombie like down there to get a foot massage (never done it before; before I married I sticked to penis- and scrotum massage). Then - while sitting in the chair - the telephone calls. I see it is her, open it, and it is my daughter saying: 'Papa, yuu tinai, tam arai?. Kit tung pooh'. It completely wiped me out, she will even use my children to hinder me from getting sober because she starts to understand that if sober I will not be controllable as before. Have to get to the 9.30 meeting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EnhancePlus Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Great work, Philo. Keep it simple and stay close to AA. Coming up on 12 years clean myself. Remember, you're not alone and you never have to be alone with your problem again - a solution is usually only a phone call away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerryBScot Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Yeah great job Philo just don't take the first drink, it is as easy and as difficult as that. You need to remember your missus and kid[s?] are probably off their heads as a result of living with you, in their own way as sick as you [and me!]. It might take them a long time to understand that you are changing. Up to this point in their lives your behaviour has probably been very predictable. What you are doing now will actually be pretty shocking and threatening for them too. They'll probably be the last people to acknowledge the change, especially as the change will be ongoing and gradual. I got into CM last night and got lost on my way to the meeting this morning, took the wrong turn on the superhighway, but I will hopefully be there tonight and will be interested to hear how you are getting on. Once more well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpmsprtd Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Good luck, Philo, in your new, clear life. Welcome to the club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insight Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Hi Philo, a few weeks from now things will be much clearer. Hope you can hang in until then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 Thanks again to everybody. I am still sober. The internet room in my hotel was closed 11PM, so now I am sitting in a small internetshop next to a bar in the same soi as my room. I can smell the beer, listen to the drunken talk in many languages, the uninhibited tries to talk Thai and the bargirls playing pool with the customers. And I don't fear that I will walk the 5 metres to the bar. My last post about my wife was too much. I regret it, but at the time I wrote it, it seemed (insanely) neccesary. I cannot and will not ask her to forgive me for anything now (she will never read the post so I am speaking generally), but I shurely will later in some form or another. I went to two meetings today, feel relatively calm - but are still afraid of meeting my wife. I will call her and politely ask her if she will help me with the one year extention or not. If she says yes, I will beg her her not to bring the children but leave them with her mother and sister for the 3-6 hours it will take her to drive with her father to the immigration office, be present and cosign the application, and then go back to her family's house. I will tell her that she will get money for herself and the children whether she helps me or not. Also, one of my friends in AA in Udon has said he is more than willing to go with me to meet my wife and her father (a 2.5 hours ride from Udon). If this materializes, I will be spared the trouble of just letting my Non O Marriage run out and then go to Vientiane and apply for a tourist visa or just doing a visa run. I will now go to my room to pray for guidance. Thanks again to all. philo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rixalex Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Well done Philo for getting this far. Stick at it. Life is too short to waste another second of it as a slave to alchohol. Free yourself once and for all and for good. I know it's a million times easier to say than do, but the reward will be your life, and that has to make it worth it i'd say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lancashirelad Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Thanks. 12 clean days (Oct. 1-12); 13 periods of 24 hours in 10 minutes (Sep. 30 8.30 AM till Oct. 13 8.30 AM since the last beer). I think you've just about cracked it now....... almost 2 weeks by the time you read this. But I am depressed and desolate to the point of crying. From what i understand, that's normal at this point. Happens after major heart surgery too. It WILL pass in time and then you will start to notice every day things around you, you haven't seen for a long time. Try your best to get your wife on side........... you know her better than any of us. But even if in the end that doesn't go well, you still have us, the motley assorted crew at TV, & your friends from AA AND sounds like a diamond geyser from Udon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Day 15. I never knew there were an ocean of time between 2 weeks and 15 days. Last night I was so tired I slept from 10PM till 6AM. (Now I am beeing thown out of the small shophouse with internet; the wife of the owner -who is absent right now- will take her children to school. <deleted> is the maning of open 7AM and close 7.30AM?. The internet in the hotel is not yet open. I will be back.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Day 16. Now 16x24 hours since last beer (closer to a month than to 0), but have to wait till tomorrow morning before I have 16 (more than half of this month) clean days. The two meetings today will be the last for a few days. I am flying to BKK and on to Udon tomorrow Sat 17, meet friends/AA people, rent a pickup Sun 18 (cannot use my (my wife’s, that is) car because she wants some stuff that will not fit into a sedan). The price of the stuff bought new hardly matches the rental price of the pickup (Where is the logic?), but if she wants it, so be it. Mon 19 a 3 hours ride with one or two AA friends to meet her and apply for the new one year extention. I’ll move out of my Udon dwelling, put the most important stuff in the sedan car, dump the rest, and drive to CM. Hopefully at new year I will have 3 months and can start sorting things out with my wife (who hopefully will stay with her parents, sisters and brothers, nephews and nieces (my childrens’ playmates). But one day at the time … Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikey5311 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Hey Brother: Great work. Its very hard but possible. Both my mother and father were recovered alcoholics. Each with over 35 yrs soberiety before they passed away. They were AA successes. If one last incentive (negative one). I found on facebook one of my old teenage buddies from the 1970s. We got in touch and I visited him last month. I was horrified. He's in the last stages of Alcohol Induced Pancreatitus. He can't eat until he takes morphine and Dilaudid. Incredible pain - type 1 Diabetes. At this point he found the disolving the tablets and injecting into a vein is better than swallowing. All from years of booze (and coke). Good luck. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speicher Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 This is difficult for me. I have been following this thread and the encouraging events of Philo. I finally have the courage to write and say that i am in nearly the same degree of danger Philo was in. I know i will not last much longer if I dont do something. I have looked up the AA meetings and am interested in the one at McCormick hospital and maybe the one at the park. I need the courage to go. Does anyone know what it will be like if i go there the first time? I appreciate any information or help, thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rixalex Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 This is difficult for me. I have been following this thread and the encouraging events of Philo. I finally have the courage to write and say that i am in nearly the same degree of danger Philo was in. I know i will not last much longer if I dont do something. I have looked up the AA meetings and am interested in the one at McCormick hospital and maybe the one at the park. I need the courage to go. Does anyone know what it will be like if i go there the first time? I appreciate any information or help, thanks Can't offer any information or advice but just wanted to say well done for taking the first step - seeking help. It's never too late. Never think that. Help is out there. And moral support is here. Use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 This is difficult for me. I have been following this thread and the encouraging events of Philo. I finally have the courage to write and say that i am in nearly the same degree of danger Philo was in. I know i will not last much longer if I dont do something. I have looked up the AA meetings and am interested in the one at McCormick hospital and maybe the one at the park. I need the courage to go. Does anyone know what it will be like if i go there the first time? I appreciate any information or help, thanks If you think you are ready for it - and it sounds like you are and that you are in CM - PM me or get your ass to the Boots Pharmacy oppsite the gate at 2 PM. If you don't want this, be at the main entrance at McCormick around 6 PM and stand still until I see you. May be the meeting will make you feel like the Biblicial Lost Son coming home. And if you don't like it, well <deleted>#K it and go for a drink. But that you will have to do alone... Or call these numbers right now (the group at McCormick has no numbers on the net; don't ask me why); that was what finally got me from Udon to CM and into RAM. If you are somewhere else, send me a PM with your telephone number and I will find your 'closest available' AA member in a few hours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 logging out. Will check back 1.45 PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ijustwannateach Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Wanted to add my congratulations to you for making the right choices and beginning to take responsibility for things, Philo. I don't blame you for staying out of Udon; it's a very strange city and its past history has not made it a good place, I think, for foreigners to live. I think it's only natural while you are in the early stages of drying out you will go through a lot of mood extremes. Remember, you don't have to ACT on them, just FEEL them. At the same time, your family will be adjusting to your new status and that will cause stress for them and for you. Building more healthy stress relief into your day (like the foot massage) is a good idea in anticipating these kinds of problems. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triplegee Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Keep going Philo - great work so far. Inspirational stuff from you which has been the catalyst for me to get off my arse and do something for a close relative. I can't thank you enough. Go well. GGG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) Day 17. Still sober, but a little depressed, tired, bored and not liking a sober life yet. But I HAVE to leave that bottle for someone else to drink. Flying out today. If lucky, only 50 min. at Swampy. If not, some 5 hours (they gave me two tickets, have to check in both in CM and BKK because there is only 50 min. between arr. BKK and dep. BKK. The computer says 55 mins. for connecting flights and two boarding cards in CM). Will report from Udon. (To speicher: My telephone will be closed from 11AM till 12.30PM and 13PM til 15PM because of the flights.) Edited October 17, 2009 by philo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 Forgot. Thanks to all. philo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pluto_manibo Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Philo, congratulations on your progress and recovery! Picking up the pieces is not always pretty but it gets a little better everyday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elektrified Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Philo, congratulations on the great work you have done! Hang in there and keep going to the meetings. Being depressed is normal after giving up a habit like that, but believe me it will pass after time. If living in Udon is too difficult for you, then by all means stay in Chiang Mai and keep working on yourself. It may be difficult for your wife to understand why you want to stay in C.M. but the most important thing right now is your recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerryBScot Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Hope your trip to Udon went well. I had a long drive back but glad to say we made it and now at home. All well. Don't take any chances P and keep posting. G Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 Day 18. Still sober. Not because I want to - I would rather be pissed if it was not for the horror I will face if I open the first one. My brain will explode, I will suffocate in my own spew and the whitish tiles on the floor will be brown from diarrhea. In 12 hours I would need someone to pour the beer into me (due to loss of coordination). It was a mistake to go back here (and to those who have MET me and think they KNOW me and my situation - please shut the fuc# up! I don't need more loving and caring advise. I am up to my nose in water bufallo shit, and have to dig or drain it away myself.) Preparations in CM went well, the flights went well, 5-7 AAs and Christians waited for me at the 'church' (ICF Udon - International Christian Fellowship; one of the AA meetings is held there), the dinner we had across the street went well (It must be the first food I have taken with water only for 10 years), and the preparation for the visa extention thing started out ok in my soon to be abandoned room. But when I spoke to my wife on the telephone, she started the same old shit: The fuc#ing 700 Baht table, the claim towards the brainless staff at BUPA, some new blood test to be taken for some stupid shitty SCB Saver+ savings plan for the children, why I didn't do that and why I did that and she thinks that I should do so and she knows that ...... FUC# THE BITCH! If it wasn't for the fact that she is the mother of my two children, I would gladly have given my life to get her electrocuted through the mobil phone. Resentments? Fuc# resentments. HATE can be endless. philo, sober waiting for today's load of shit to hit the fan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naam Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 why do i have the strange feeling that you are not sober? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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