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Attitudes Of Thai Woman , Advice Needed


dmax

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In the beginning they may feel that they hit the jackpot but soon realize, like everybody else (not just Thais or women) that money and materialism does not in it self ensure happiness. When this happens they begin to resent the predicament that they got them selves into.

They begin to yearn for the good old days when they could go to the disco with their friends 'till all hours in the morning, party it up and get laid.

I could try to tell you not all thai women are interested in the above

but I get the feeling I would be wasting my time

by the way how many Thai ladies do you think contribute to this site ?.

there are fewer women on the forum to begin with. a few of us are thais though. some are less active, or sometime we get tired of trying to correct mis-perceptions knowing most that make generalisations about thai women are not really open to listening to / reading anything that contradict their mis-perceptions.

I cite Timtang above to illustrate my point :)

- everytime me and my wife have fight it is allways me to come back to her and say sorry even if it is her fault,

General observation: many Thais find it hard to admit they are wrong or say sorry. Face has a big part to play. You're also not supposed to make other people lose face and point out they are wrong.

I have no wise words on relationship, but what I do know is, if I ever need advice on the marriage front I would turn to Fletchsmile and Boo :)

one thing to add to what Fletch said about the 'saying sorry' part - keep in mind that sometime we may not 'say' we are sorry, but might find ways to show that we are?

all the best

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Sounds like your average Thai woman Temper Tantrums.

How do you make someone grow up?

Sounds like your average woman of many nationalities with an 18 month old baby. Give some account to the exhaustion and depression that can result from the constant commitment of being a toddler's mother requires.

I have a 13 month old and we live in Thailand so the burden is shared with a loving and large extended Thai family. If she is alone in bringing up the child (even though you may give a couple of hours a day yourself) I can see that it could be a desperately dark few years that she sees in her horizons and she may be just taking it out on you for trapping her.

I have no idea whether the above fits - just an input with no prejudice implied.

To answer your question, my wife is quicker to criticise and explores the silent routine much more so than before the birth; she also claims that she told me something to support her case, when quite clearly to me she did not. Luckily she snaps out of it quite quickly and we both trade apologies within a few minutes or an hour or two. Come to think of it she's much more balanced about arguments than most of my prior English wife/girlfriends were (but I did tend to go for ballsy women for some unfathomable reason!).

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hi Dmax

I am a Singaporean who is married to a Thai man and who may be able to help you with with a little understanding as to why your wife behaves the way she does.

1. Not going out w/o you: First week after arriving in Bangkok , I took a stroll around my neighbourhood, hubby calls , gets mad that I was out !!! demanded that I stay put til he came to pick me up. Being pregnant and emotional, though I thought he was nuts, I didn't argue with him but instead bawled my eyes out for 3 days until he felt really really bad and stupid and gave me some lame reason that he was concerned for my safety. He's a lot better about me being out on my own now.

Some Thai girlfriends have also told me similar stories about their married life being like this.............. Thai men like their women to stay at home. They are both divorced now lol

Similarly another Thai gf married to a German guy, living in Germany for 20 years now, barely speaks English or Deutch , never leaves her apartment in Germany, never wears make-up, never wears anything other than baggy bermudas and baggy tees, spend six months a year in Thailand (with he Thai bf lmao) but they are very very happy. ( no he does not know about the other guy)

2. Bad Temper/ Convinced that you have another girl : Sadly Thai men are usually doing just that when they don't come home for the night .......... and yes though not all but A LOT of Thai women are controlling because of this.

In the four years she's been there, have you made any effort to introduce her to new people? make some friends? join some sort of club or forum?mix with a more international crowd ( not just other overseas Thais) .

In the 3 months I have been back to Bangkok as a "couple", it's been pretty lonely for me and him. We are 2 hours away from Bangkok, and there are no English speaking Thai girlfriends here for me(not even the ones with the phoney accents) , there are no SIngaporeans either, lol, my hubby and I get odd stares from the "farangs" when we talk to each other in English , I cannot wait to start working again .

It must be so much harder for her, not having a job and/or a network of friends, having only you to rely on, the way I see it, that's the root of the problem.

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Well, I don't know where your husband is from Senia, but at least out in the country among regular folk, I have never seen a Thai man expect his wife to stay home. In fact, usually its the wife who is out gadding about visiting friends and relatives. I think my MIL spends more time out than in.

One thing I find interesting is the idea that she would necessarily want Thai friends in the UK. From the stories I have read on this forum and from my own personal experiences with my husband, Thais do not always trust other Thais enough to form close friendships as adults. Most really close friendships are formed when young.

It seems as tho the OP needs to 1. find out if his wife really does have post natal depression. Sure she doesn't want to go to the doctor but you must convince her. And 2. he needs to learn how to work things

out with her and make her realize its the only way things are going to work. Thai people can learn to discuss issues and work problems out.

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Hi sbk

my hubby is a lot better now, maybe cos he worries too much and that I'm preg. I dunno. As for my Thai gfs who were married to Thai men, one hubby was just immature and the other really was having an affair.

my gf in Germany says the same thing, she used to have Thai friends there but according to her they were all "mai dee", constantly borrowing money from her and scamming her and what not. Her one advise for me here was as much as possible , keep to myself , cos in Bangkok they are here for the money, friendships are not genuine.

I haven't made any new friends here yet but many neighbours have been great with helping me with stuff.

how long does post natal depression last ? OP has to get her out from the house. And Thai people can admit that they are wrong, just don't be too confrontational and accusing.

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Good question, I think post natal depression can last quite long, and you are right, get her out of the house is good, but can't be easy now since its winter in the UK and that must be extra miserable for her.

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  • 1 month later...

Sounds like she has not adapted to the western culture. Learning to read english would have been a good first step. Even then Thais tend not to adapt well since their culture is so unique. More often then not they end up going back to Thailand. Sounds like you are in quite a pickle. Could she not go back to Thailand with your son? You probably can't stomach the idea of that but you don't seem to have a lot of options here. She would have the support of her family in Thailand who would help raise the child.

Edited by ES1
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Hi sbk

my hubby is a lot better now, maybe cos he worries too much and that I'm preg. I dunno. As for my Thai gfs who were married to Thai men, one hubby was just immature and the other really was having an affair.

my gf in Germany says the same thing, she used to have Thai friends there but according to her they were all "mai dee", constantly borrowing money from her and scamming her and what not. Her one advise for me here was as much as possible , keep to myself , cos in Bangkok they are here for the money, friendships are not genuine.

I haven't made any new friends here yet but many neighbours have been great with helping me with stuff.

how long does post natal depression last ? OP has to get her out from the house. And Thai people can admit that they are wrong, just don't be too confrontational and accusing.

THere is no need to ask so much. The point is that they can accept that they are wrong, and there is no need to force the admission out of them; they will worry that if they admit, then you will lose respect for them, and that they will have to act accordingly, whereas if you can accept that they accept that they are wrong, without insisting on an admission, then you can get on with life together

Many of us insist on asking 'difficult' questions, when we maybe will not believe the answer, or already know the answer.

Trust is more important than belief, and commitment is more important than honesty....

SC

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  • 1 month later...

I could not agree more! YOU ENABLE HER!

First, remember that all relationships are negotiated agreements. Second, before you enter a long term relationship find out how they fight. (it's too late for this now) Third, women are more powerful than men, and also lazy lots of times. (It's easier for them to manipulate us than to actually go out and make a life for themselves.) Fourth, the one who loves the least controls the relationship. Fifth, she is using your child as a tool, to play you like a fool.

I GUARANTEE that the moment you sit down with her and tell her this is the way it's going to be, she is going to test you. When she figures out you are serious she is going to try another trick, because that is her stock in trade, PLAYING YOU. You are in a war and you don't know it. If she can't figure out how to be a good partner and parent then find the best lawyer you can and, for your child's sake, cut your loses. Use every trick in the book to keep the child away from her, or she will do it to you first. That is her trump card, her volleyball, and ticket to the good life. If you genuinely love your child you will not want it to be around a calculating and manipulative person.

On a positive note, if she is wiling to look in the mirror at herself (fuk losing face) then, the way to raise a child with good values is to first examine your own values.

How do I know this? Well, I have never been married, but I am almost certain I have been divorced!

I'm not a thai woman but....

stop enabling her.

When she does this don't leave, stand your ground, stay in the house, tell her clearly & firmly that you wont be putting up with it & get on with your day. If she does the silent treatment then ignore it, talk to her as normal but don't cajole her or pander to her. It seems that you have always backed down & she has always taken advantage of that. If she is a danger to the baby in a temper then take the baby away from her to another room.

Stop doing everything for her, if she wants something done then she either tries by herself thus learning something or else she will have to come to you & you can help her if she is civil & wants to learn how to help herself.

If you care about your child you wont walk out leaving her with an unstable & potentially dangerous mother( mothers with with PND can be VERY dangerous) she needs to start taking her meds, you need to take control of that if she wont.

Time to take control of your life & protect your child.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you seem like you are trying to do the best but making all the wrong moves. Backing down all the time when you aren't the one in the wrong is not the way to go, she will never learn how to function as part of a mature relationship or how to admit & learn from her mistakes all the while you are enabling her.

Good luck.

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would not waste to much time trying to figure it out as you never will. differnt culture, getting the same treatment now after 9 years. dont even think about asking why as you will never get to the bottom of it or what the REAL problem is.

IMHO from experience i wished i had come from a broken home as a child in stead of living in one for 15 years of hell.

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  • 2 months later...

Save the child!

I think you already know this, but I just wanted to reinforce it. Sometimes in the heat of a parental conflict the child gets pushed to the side.

I am not qualified to comment on how to solve your marital problems. but just from reading your post it seems that the one thing you and your wife can agree on is that you want the best for your child. If you can manage to keep that thought first, you can survive this.

Is there some way that both of you can be good parents to the child, without bringing into the child's life the conflict between the two of you? Think about where you could live (apart but nearby?), how you could raise the child without providing negative influences, etc.

In my experience, if you put the kid first, the other stuff can be dealt with.

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  • 2 weeks later...

''why she doesnt ever say sorry''

well.....is it a big deal??

according to my view for keeping a relationship good.......never feel ashame in saying sorry to ur partner ....just a small word can make her smile......remember the time when u were trying to impress her by saying that u can do everything for her.....so whats about saying a small word now??? if this word can make her calm down then say it even u r not guilty....never make prestige issue with whom u love......saying sorry always make things better......

and for about that thing if all thai ladies r like this....i wanna say NO.....when i get so much angry with my thai gf.....she just join her hands like thai sawasdee ka position and says Sorry....and really i forget all my anger and her mistakes and give her a hug and say sorry too for my angry behaviour on her mistake......hope that will work to maintain ur relationship....goodluck

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To the OP: stop apologizing to her, you confort her in her role and ultimatively you concede that she is right.

Secondly, as strange and heartless as it may sound - the child isn't everything.

At 18 months it still doesn't have a very strong link to you, and you have plenty of other shells in your cannon, so to speak.

But of course, in the UK the woman will get every right and you will have to pay endlessly.

Does the wife want to stay in UK or return to Thailand?

There may lie the solution.

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<_<

Yes, she's scared and she is reacting defensively to her fear. She doesn't understand what's going on. Her English skills are not good enough to understand and deal with her day to day life in the U.K. As you say, she can't read her own mail, do shopping, and so on...all that stuff frightens her. But she can't admit that she is unable to cope with life in the U.K. with you. She is scared of making a mistake.

You need to understand the Thai concept of "losing face". It is important to be your own person and be able to do those everyday things you need to do to take care of yourself...if you can't do those things then you will "lose face" by admiiting that fact to another person...because you will have to admit to that person that you can't handle you own life.

I'm guessing here, but I suspect in Thailand she was a self-reliant and independent person who handled her own life and daily routine. Now she is in the U.K. and she doen't know the "rules" of how to act. She can't really understand the language and the customs.

Therefore, so she won't make a mistake and "lose face" by making that mistake, she is avoiding doing anything at all. But, in the long run, that kind of behaviour just makes things worse for her.

I'm not sure how to help her out of this...but you somehow need to help her rebuild her confidence at her own ability to cope in the U.K. and make her believe she is a valued part of your family with a role in your family that she feels is important and needed.

Do you have Thai friends or are there Thai friends, particularly Thai women, who you can introduce her to?

Maybe, she can learn from other Thai women, who can communicate to her in Thai what needs to be done for such normal chores as shopping for food for the family and the daughter. Perhaps they could take her shopping also? That might give her confidence and get her started feeling the valued and important part of your family she should be.

She needs to find something that makes her an important person in the family...so she can find her "role" and place in your family,,,,so she can re-establish her "value" to your family.

Good luck.

:rolleyes:

Edited by IMA_FARANG
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Secondly, as strange and heartless as it may sound - the child isn't everything.

At 18 months it still doesn't have a very strong link to you, and you have plenty of other shells in your cannon, so to speak.

Nice and people here say things about Thai men.

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Secondly, as strange and heartless as it may sound - the child isn't everything.

At 18 months it still doesn't have a very strong link to you, and you have plenty of other shells in your cannon, so to speak.

Nice and people here say things about Thai men.

sometimes it is just better to move on.

I realized that too late, and now I have drama, stress and financial problems everyday.

And "moving on" doesn't mean abandoning the child or not supporting mother and child.

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Marriage, and I suggest particularly in cross-cultural marriage require a great deal of compromise, throw in travel 6k miles into an Alien culture, can throw any young parent into freefall.

Considering, it would appear, that there has been little contribution into society, and this responsibility should be shared, she may appear vulnerable, throw in PND as a possibility and if so, needs to be professionally diagnosed, it can last for a considerable time years if untreated, but stress, esteem, arguments and no family hierarchy for support, may all be contributary in mood swings.

My wife felt very vulnerable in her first few months here, without family and friend support, but threw herself into first garnering a greater understanding of the language, getting a job, then two, one in a nursery and then progressing into higher education.

I would suggest, diagnosis, one way or the other in regard to PND.

A better intergration policy, even to the extent of going to Thai Festivals and Community events.

I am not a follower of keeping away from all fellow Thai's in the UK, we have met some great friends and some wrong'uns, just like any other people I have met in my time.

The wife and I rarely fight so I can advise little in this area, but perhaps sitting down and discussing the problems may help and trying to iron out the irks and irritations that develop into an all-out war may help.

Are Thai women stubborn? Sometimes, is my experience, more so than other nationalities? the juries out, any more than men of any nationality, the jury is definately in, there is a striking resemblance.

Do Thai women talk about their feelings, they most certainly do and in such personal detail, it is their relief valve, the one's I know anyway. Are western women different, possibly, but for more insight you need a better reflection than someone like me.

If all else fails, leaving is an option, possibly the best one, but I am not condoning abandonment, but support from a relative distance, and if the psychological anguish is a danger, then that support should be with you and the child and the wife should have access.

I am only responding to the OP and in no way am I in support, it is a two way situation and we only have one side, I am also not suggesting it is a biased report, just one side.

I wish all three of you well.

Edited by Mossfinn
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  • 7 years later...
On 1/16/2011 at 7:13 AM, MAJIC said:

Sounds like your average Thai woman Temper Tantrums.

How do you make someone grow up?

Very much agree with you MAJIC.  I do feel strongly that Thai culture doesn't emphasize on being grown up and take responsibilities. I may be wrong of course but I see people think Thai young ladies(16 to 23) are cute and giggle a lot that's because they don't have a care in the world and not really know they have lots of responsibilities once they get married. They don't think much further than what is the immediate future.

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  • 1 month later...
On 12/8/2018 at 3:34 PM, madusa said:

Very much agree with you MAJIC.  I do feel strongly that Thai culture doesn't emphasize on being grown up and take responsibilities. I may be wrong of course but I see people think Thai young ladies(16 to 23) are cute and giggle a lot that's because they don't have a care in the world and not really know they have lots of responsibilities once they get married. They don't think much further than what is the immediate future.

h4ose.jpg

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  • 10 months later...

This is not a Thai issue. She is deeply manipulative.  You and your kid must get away from her. But beware, feminist solicitors will support her and break you. She will survive in the UK without you. She'll have a Thai community based around a temple to give her support. If shes attractive shell get by. You are in danger of losing your money, mind and kid. Be careful.

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On 2/2/2019 at 3:34 AM, GeoMill said:

h4ose.jpg

Thai kids, especially females are burdened with responsibilities from a very young age constantly helping out arouns the house and small businesses. Just because they have a happy care free attitude does not mean they do not carry burdens. It is because of filial duties and responsibilities that girls go to work in bars. The profile of the girls you describe I simply do not recognize.  I meet bright, hard working Thais, Male  and female, all of the time. I suspect certain foreign men unconsciously or otherwise end up in codependent relationships but usually it is the man infantalised in Thailand.

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  • 3 months later...
On 1/20/2011 at 8:21 AM, sbk said:

Good question, I think post natal depression can last quite long, and you are right, get her out of the house is good, but can't be easy now since its winter in the UK and that must be extra miserable for her.

My wife had suffered depression quite for a while until she died. And the clinical depression is not same as the emotional down mood what we normally say. Depression is very serious disease caused by chemical imbalance of the brain. In a word the syndrome of op's wife seems to have nothing to do with clinical depression. Anyone who suffers depression including my friend's wife hurts own emotion not others, which leads to suicide when it reaches the critical severity. 

 

Our upbringing forms our personality and emotional behavior. I am the typical example of that, growing up with vindictive stepmother. I still have problem mixing with crowd. My educational background gave me to analyze myself and am able to admit my downfall. 

 

It seemed op's wife problem might be the consequence of her environment with which she grew up. That might be acquired personality and she might not have intuition to see herself. Good education and knowledge could provide self guidance. It seems she is not very well educated also. 

 

Life is tough. You gotta do what you have to do for the best benefit of every one. It is your choice and decision. 

Even it is too old post to give any advice.

Edited by Retarded
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  • 5 months later...
On 9/10/2020 at 7:35 PM, Seik said:

Kinda makes me wonder how that couple turned out today.

 

Our OP has not been seen for a considerable time so we're unlikely ever to find out..

 

I'm going to close this antique thread.

 

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