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One morning a Club Secretary was standing at his office window watching old Jack, a memeber for 40 years who had never missed a days golf at the club during his life, practice his putting on the green when he saw a funeral courtage pass by the gates at the entrance to the club.

Old Jack suddenly stopped his putting ,removed his hat and lowered his head until the courtage had passed by.

The Club Secretary was touched by this knowing that Jack had always been a brash sort of fellow decided to go outside .. when he approached Old Jack he said "Jack I noticed that you doffed your cap and lowered your head when that funeral coutage went by a few moments ago..and I must say that I found that rather touching"

Jack did not look up from the put he was about to make but replied in a very low tone

" Yeah well... She wasn't a bad Wife" :o

I know it should be in the Jokes section .. but its Golf related so.. I put it here as I am sure that many golf addicts can relate to it!!!

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Try not to be guilty of this.

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes ho

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But

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Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.

He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?'

The pro says, "Lack Of <deleted> Talent."

golfer02.gif

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A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,

"That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

----------------------------------------

Earl won first prize at a Father's Day tournament which was an envelope.

When he opened the envelope, he was very surprised to find a voucher for a free visit to a brothel. He had never been to one before but he decided to go the next day even though he was very nervous.

The girls were very friendly and soon he found a lovely young lady and went with her to her room.

Five minutes later, she came running to the Madam and asked,

"Can you tell me what a Mulligan is?"

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Ok, just one more.

TheWhy Golf Is Better Than Sex

* A below par performance is considered good.

* You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

* You can still make money doing it as a senior.

* It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

* Foursomes are encouraged.

* Three times a day is possible.

* Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

* If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

* You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

* If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

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These are great... we should really have a Golf Jokes section :D

Just one more.

A guy is having lessons on the course with his club Pro... on the 9th hole he slices the ball which travels out of the club ,over the trees, and hits a car windscreen causing the car to swerve into the path of on an oncoming petrol tanker which is turning onto the forecourt of a petrol station. The tanker also looses control as the ball passes through the open window and knocks the driver out cold. It carrers into the petrol pumps and explodes, blowing up the petrol station and six cars which were being refuelled. People are tossed into the air like rag dolls as a flame 100 feet high shoots into the air.

There is carnage and burning bodies everywhere

"Oh My God" cries the hapless Golfer "What am I gonna do now"?

The Golf Pro calmly turns to him and says

"Next time try not to give the ball so much lift, keep your head down and your legs only slightly apart.. Now lets try that at the 10th" :o

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

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Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night, with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before the cause was determined. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term, "Ship High In Transit" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term.

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Golfing Lingo... some (read most) not PC... :o

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker.

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result.

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it.

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good.

A sister-in-law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be...

A Kathy Freeman - it's ugly but it's still running.

A Kate Moss - a bit thin.

Taking a Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional ball.

A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole.

A Diego Maradonna - very very nasty little five footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.

A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems ...

Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole.

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In my hand I hold a ball....

white and dimpled, rather small....

Oh, how bland it does appear....

this harmless looking little sphere....

By its size I could not guess....

the awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell beneath its spell....

I've wandered through the fires of hel_l....

My life has not been quite the same....

Since I chose to play this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hours on end...

A fortune it has made me spend....

It has made me swear and yell and cry....

I hate myself and want to die....

It promises a thing called par....

If I can hit straight and far....

To master such a tiny ball....

should not be very hard at all ...

But my desires the ball refuses....

and does exactly like it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....

and even disappears before my eyes....

Often it will take a whim....

to hit a tree or take a swim...

With miles of grass on which to land....

it finds a tiny patch of sand....

Then has me offering up my soul....

if only it would find the hole....

It's made me whimper like a pup....

and swear that I will give it up....

And take a drink to ease my sorrow....

but the ball knows.....

I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

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Being Totally Honest:

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Well, if we're being totally honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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More!more golf jokes pleeeeezeee!!!!!! :o

The Golf Club Secretary looked out of his office window and saw a male player taking stance on the Ladies Tee. He switched on the course loudspeakers and said,

" Will the gentlemen playing off the Ladies Tee please move back to the Gentlemens Tee!"

The player looked round and waived the Secretary away and took his stance again,

"Will the gentleman playing off the Ladies Tee PLEASE move back to the Gentlemens Tee NOW!"

The player again looked round, waived off the Secretary and took stance again.

The Secretary, now furious, stormed out and confronted the player.

"How many times do I have to tell you to move back to the Gentlemens Tee?"

The player turned slowly, gave the Secretary a withering look and said,

"Will you please shut up and let me play my second shot!"

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The Laws of Golfing

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

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Putting Class

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question:

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Bert came home from the golf course the other day in a cranky, terrible mood.

“What’s the matter honey?” asked his wife.

“It’s that son-of-a-gun, Ernie,” complained Bert. “I’m never going to play golf with him again! He’s the biggest cheater I’ve ever seen!”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’ll tell you why,” he said. “We were all tied up in our match going to the 18th hole. We walk up to the green and that miserable so-and-so finds his ball sitting 12 inches from the cup. I could have screamed and thrown my putter I was so mad!”

“So what’s the big deal?” she asked. “That's possible.”

“No. It‘s not!” cried Bert. “Not when his ball was in my pocket!”

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Two guys are playing a cart game of golf and are all square on the 18th.

The first guy slices his way off to the left, and the ball comes to rest on the cart track. His opponent smashes his shot straight down the middle.

"Oh well," says the first player, "I should get a drop off there."

"Heck no," says his playing partner, "we play the ball as it lies."

"OK," says the first guy, as he drops his opponent off in the middle of the fairway.

From his perfect fairway lie, the playing partner easily finds the green on his second shot, and he can't resist laughing as he sees sparks flying from the cart path during the first golfer's practice swings.

Finally the first guy hits his second shot off the cart path -- sparks flying again -- leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.

Upon returning to the cart, the playing partner asks in amazement, "That was a great shot ... what club did you use?"

"Your 6 iron."

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I am thinking about writing a book about golf. Some of the chapter headings I have decided on are:

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.

Chapter 7 - When to implement handicap management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9:00 A. M.

Chapter 9 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 10 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 11 - How to let a foursome play through your twosome.

Chapter 12 - How to relax when you are hitting five off the tee.

Chapter 13 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 14 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 15 - God and the meaning of the birdie-to-bogey three putt.

Chapter 16 - When to regrip your ball retriever.

Chapter 17 - You can purchase a better golf game.

I will post more chapters as they come up.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A couple has a whirlwind, 30-day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married.

After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."

"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."

"That's OK," he said, "We’ll just play dogleg lefts."

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Very Old Golfers

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

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So this golfer gets a call on the course from the hospital.

The Hospital says that his wife has been in a horrible car accident.

The guy rushes to the hospital.

"Is she OK?", the man asks.

The Doctor tells the man that the man is going to have to feed her... dress her... pay for a wheel chair... cook special food for her... give her pain killers every four hours... and just do everything for her.

"Wow that’s a lot of work", says the man.

The doctor turns to him and says, "I'm just screwing with you she's dead."

:o

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  • 1 month later...

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon.

On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas if you are performing brain surgery.

:o

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Golfisms

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt... for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker; If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.. that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and pass gas if you are performing brain surgery.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing his wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

:o

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Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

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A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

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variation on this one..

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!

It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!

For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!

She died more than two hours ago.

What'd you shoot?

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