Urgent help needed!

[jayme83]

Hi guys,

I'm new to this forum and I have a major dilemma which I'm hoping you maybe able to assist me with.. In a nut shell, here is my problem:

- Thai gf stops talking to me in December.

- Finally get in contact just a few days ago and find out she is pregnant with my child.

I met her on Thai love links website around April 2012. I went to Thailand to meet her for 1 week in February 2013, I buy her an ipad and help her with some little money and pay for her monthly internet so we can talk every night.

I went back for around 4 weeks in August 2013 which we travel together and I met her family in Khon Kaen. There was 2 occasions where I didn't use a condom but pulled out well before. Now she is saying she is pregnant and has known since December.

Her mother doesn't want her family to know (I think it will bring shame).

I don't know what to do.... I have asked her many times if the baby is mine and she said she is 1000% certain it is and is willing to do a DNA test to prove this. I'm planning on going to Thailand asap to take her to the hospital and get the ultrasound done. I think the doctor will also be able to tell me when the baby was conceived and when it's due which will also give me an idea its my child.

She is 20 and lives in Pattaya and I am 30 and live in Australia.

I'm thinking when I go to Thailand,

- get ultrasound done

- see if I can get her tourist visa to Australia (not sure how or if this is possible) and bring her back with me to Australia.

- convince her to have the baby in Australia for Australian citizenship.

- get a DNA test done to confirm it's mine.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, but the last 5 - 6 weeks for me has been extremely stressful and I'm just not thinking clearly. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you

[BBJ]

I'm new to this forum as a member so I don't want to speak awkwardly. But what do you want members to do for you?

It seems you have fallen for the trap while being carless yourself. If indeed she is pregnant, you need to decide what you intend to do to care for it, and of course her and no doubt the family.

A similar thing happened to my friend in the UK. She deliberately became pregnant hoping he would give up the UK, move to Thailand to take care of the family. Needless to say he didn't. She apparently aborted the child on a whim.

[sam sen]

you need to prioritise, the first you need to establish if the child is yours, if it isn't then all your problems go away. if it is then you need to think and plan further.

calm down and take things a step at a a time

[jayme83]

I want to get the ultrasound done and have the doctor tell me when the baby was conceived and when it is due. This will give me a good idea that the child is in fact mine as they should be able to tell me it is such and such weeks old and was conceived around August.

I want to take care of her and the baby which is why I'm going to fly to Thailand asap to get the ultrasound done. I believe I have enough supporting documents to get the tourist visa (I will likely get help from an agency as well just to make sure).

If I bring her over here, can she have the baby here (she may overstay her visa) and if she does have it here, will we be lumped with a huge medical bill since she has no medicare?

If we get married, is it better done in Australia?

[jayme83]

you need to prioritise, the first you need to establish if the child is yours, if it isn't then all your problems go away. if it is then you need to think and plan further.

calm down and take things a step at a a time

Thank you. I'm hoping the ultrasound will give me a good indication of this. I don't know of anything else I could do at this stage otherwise.

[jayme83]

I know I'm going to get a lot of "You've fallen for the trap.... You are careless comments...." But this will not help my situation. I have a problem and I'm trying to talk about it with others in an open forum rather then keep it to myself. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[iancnx]

Sounds like you already have a plan. However if you take the girl to Aus, have the baby, get the DNA done and then find out it's not yours, what will you do then? I fear she will already have you inextricably trapped by then. Next then look at her profile. What does she do in Pattaya? She will have known she missed her period for 4 months. Has she been working all that time and now cannot work anymore? She had unprotected sex with you the second holiday meeting? Have you been to her room in Pattaya? If she is on love links she could have several boyfriends. If she is smart and super devious as many as one a month. Need to do some serious background checks before you get to the point of no return.first thing I would do is have her meet me at the airport and pretend you will stay in a hotel in pats. Once in the center of pats tell her change of plan you need to stay in her room and have the taxi take you straight there. Can't wait to have a peek inside her laptop!

[BBJ]

I want to get the ultrasound done and have the doctor tell me when the baby was conceived and when it is due. This will give me a good idea that the child is in fact mine as they should be able to tell me it is such and such weeks old and was conceived around August.

I want to take care of her and the baby which is why I'm going to fly to Thailand asap to get the ultrasound done. I believe I have enough supporting documents to get the tourist visa (I will likely get help from an agency as well just to make sure).

If I bring her over here, can she have the baby here (she may overstay her visa) and if she does have it here, will we be lumped with a huge medical bill since she has no medicare?

If we get married, is it better done in Australia?

If you get married in Australia, bare in mind that should the poo hit the fan, she may be entitled to a lump of what you have in your country. If you marry in Thailand that wouldn't be the case unless things have changed.

Ultimately, you need to do what is best for the child if it is yours. But understand the majority of these relationships end in tears. If she comes from an impoverished background, your GF and her family's priority will be their financial security, you will be their last. That isn't a criticism, just the way things are. I've been there as I'm sure many other have and I learned a very expensive mistake. I advice you to take care of yourself and your possibly future child as a priority. Get married in Thailand but make sure your kid has a dual passport when the time comes.

Edited January 22, 2014 by BBJ

[varun]

Whether you choose to believe it or not, in all likelihood, she is out to take advantage of you (financially).

The pregnancy 'scam' is the oldest trick in the book, so don't fall for it.

You have no obligation towards the girl and her family, so just chalk it down to experience, and get on with your life.

That's right, cut all contact with her.

The odds are slim, that the child is yours.

[96tehtarp]

I'm sorry to hear your dilemma and the stress it is causing you.

First, don't believe anything she tells you. Don't even believe she is pregnant. Don't believe she is not already married. Don't believe she doesn't have multiple farang sponsors and boyfriends.

At some point you may want to verify if she is actually pregnant. Then if and when a baby is born you will easily be able to see if the baby is half farang. If the baby is Thai, walk away. If the child looks half farang do a simple and very cheap blood test to determine if it is at all possible that you are the father. If a blood test confirms that you are possibly the father then have a DNA test done. If the DNA test confirms you are the father then go ahead and legally legitimize your parenthood of the child and apply for and get Australian citizenship for the child. Then start supporting your child.

Never give the mother any cash for anything. Open a Thai bank account and transfer on-line small amounts at a time as required to the mother's account and document every single payment. You will need this documentation, (a few years, or less), down the road when (if) your relationship with the mother sours.

Another option is to tell your GF you love her and wan't to marry her and don't care who the real father is and that you will take care of the both of them no matter what. Some guys do this and it all works out. Although, she won't be able to marry you if the child's father is her current Thai husband.

Now go back and read the second paragraph.

Good luck.

[jackr]

I would take a deep breath and think about this a bit. 20 year old, meet online, 'works' in Patts etc etc. She likely has lots of sponsors and has been merrily banging away, unprotected! While women can get pregnant through pre-seepage, chances are it is likely someone else's, if she is pregnant at all even. at that stage, you walk! Even if she is and it is yours, if the rules are anything like the UK, you could marry and get the nipper an Oz passport/birth cert' at a later date from within Thailand.

/stops talking to you/disappears for a month: indicates she has someone else I'm afraid. Assume the worst//

Edited January 22, 2014 by jackr

[wym]

I have had a similar experience and am now a single father caring for the kids alone.

I disagree with those who are assuming either way that she is sincere vs a scammer, it's yours or it's not.

To me none of those factors matter all that much.

What you want/should/need to do is 100% up to you.

If you consider "is it my child" to be an important factor, then don't commit to anything until you find that out.

If it is, then personally I'd say you need to take some level of responsibility, if nothing else a reasonable support stipend, how much depends on your circumstances and abilities to pay, IMO 10,000 per month would be a minimum.

I do NOT think you should assume that marrying the girl and bringing them back to Australia would be the best thing for anybody, and may well not even be what she would want.

You certainly IMO don't have that as a moral obligation (as I believe you do helping out financially), just know if you're not going to be happy together you're messing up three lives not helping anyone.

Take it slow, the default stance is do nothing until you feel you have a compelling case to make a decision with certainty.

Absolute worst case scenario you take no responsibility and disappear completely, just know this happens every day in Thailand, no one's going to die, they'll muddle along somehow.

But personally I'd say do take the steps to determine if it's your baby or not.

Unless you do truly love her and think it's going to be a good marriage - in which case doesn't matter if it's your baby or not.

Just my opinion of course.

Better for you to have these conversations with people that know you, that you're close to and trust.

[jayme83]

Sounds like you already have a plan. However if you take the girl to Aus, have the baby, get the DNA done and then find out it's not yours, what will you do then? I fear she will already have you inextricably trapped by then. Next then look at her profile. What does she do in Pattaya? She will have known she missed her period for 4 months. Has she been working all that time and now cannot work anymore? She had unprotected sex with you the second holiday meeting? Have you been to her room in Pattaya? If she is on love links she could have several boyfriends. If she is smart and super devious as many as one a month. Need to do some serious background checks before you get to the point of no return.first thing I would do is have her meet me at the airport and pretend you will stay in a hotel in pats. Once in the center of pats tell her change of plan you need to stay in her room and have the taxi take you straight there. Can't wait to have a peek inside her laptop!

I have been to her room in Pattaya many times when I have been there. I have no suspicion any any other boyfriends and I guess I have the option of going through her ipad when I'm over there. Thanks for your time in writing back.

[jayme83]

I have had a similar experience and am now a single father caring for the kids alone.

I disagree with those who are assuming either way that she is sincere vs a scammer, it's yours or it's not.

To me none of those factors matter all that much.

What you want/should/need to do is 100% up to you.

If you consider "is it my child" to be an important factor, then don't commit to anything until you find that out.

If it is, then personally I'd say you need to take some level of responsibility, if nothing else a reasonable support stipend, how much depends on your circumstances and abilities to pay, IMO 10,000 per month would be a minimum.

I do NOT think you should assume that marrying the girl and bringing them back to Australia would be the best thing for anybody, and may well not even be what she would want.

You certainly IMO don't have that as a moral obligation (as I believe you do helping out financially), just know if you're not going to be happy together you're messing up three lives not helping anyone.

Take it slow, the default stance is do nothing until you feel you have a compelling case to make a decision with certainty.

Absolute worst case scenario you take no responsibility and disappear completely, just know this happens every day in Thailand, no one's going to die, they'll muddle along somehow.

But personally I'd say do take the steps to determine if it's your baby or not.

Unless you do truly love her and think it's going to be a good marriage - in which case doesn't matter if it's your baby or not.

Just my opinion of course.

Better for you to have these conversations with people that know you, that you're close to and trust.

This is great advice. Thank you!

[kirstymelb101]

When the baby is born and if it's yours take full custody over the child, if she's unfit to be a mother. I suggest you take two DNA tests one in Thai/Oz because she could easily bribe a doctor for fake test results. Don't play victim to her scam if that's her intention. Thai girls can easily manipulate and make you believe anything. I hope for your sake she's not using you as a winning lottery ticket.

On a 2nd note - It's good to see you're taking action and being responsible! You could have easily hung up the phone and let her deal with the issue.

She's afraid the news will bring shame to her family, yet she takes a Foreign man she met over the internet to meet her family after a few weeks? I love how Thai girls play the cultural card when it best suits them. Generally a Thai GIRL will never take a man home to meet the family UNLESS the relationship is GENUINE. Most definitely not after after a few exchanged chat messages over the internet.

Why did she wait four months until she had the courage to tell you?

I know it's bad to make assumptions based on little evidence, but something doesn't seem right !

[Showbags]

Of course 'is it my child' is an important factor...2 reasons, 1, why care for someone elses child when you had no plans to be a father just yet and lumped with the responsibility...2, if not yours, then she has lide about the 1000% sure cry trying to sound so loyal...why would you not care to deal with that appropriately.

First off, do not take her back to Oz, you will be lumped with the huge hospital bill and god help you if anything goes wrong and requires extra care and attention.

She will also have huge claims on you forever and a day from within Oz and access to free legal assistance most likely one way or another.

And if it is not yours, you cannot know until a dna is done after the birth, which will cost a fortune in Oz, then you will have paid for all of this and be burdoned with it all for someone elses child...which she lied to you about.

Sheesh....wake up johnny and punch yourself in the face a few times.

[Showbags]

Of course 'is it my child' is an important factor...2 reasons, 1, why care for someone elses child when you had no plans to be a father just yet and lumped with the responsibility...2, if not yours, then she has lide about the 1000% sure cry trying to sound so loyal...why would you not care to deal with that appropriately.

First off, do not take her back to Oz, you will be lumped with the huge hospital bill and god help you if anything goes wrong and requires extra care and attention.

She will also have huge claims on you forever and a day from within Oz and access to free legal assistance most likely one way or another.

And if it is not yours, you cannot know until a dna is done after the birth, which will cost a fortune in Oz, then you will have paid for all of this and be burdoned with it all for someone elses child...which she lied to you about.

Sheesh....wake up johnny and punch yourself in the face a few times.

[eldragon]

I'll just pile on the "don't believe her" bandwagon. Or at least the "proceed with caution" one. This place is filled with a variety of complex scams and schemes. Many of the less upstanding girls I've met here will freely admit their favorite victims are 1) guys that don't live here and 2) guys that are new here. Which is you to a T.

It would help to know what kind of girl it is [you think] you're dealing with. We already know she's 20 years old. If she's good looking, then there's a high change someone else has been pursuing her. And even if she's a "good girl", the definition of a committed relationship is a bit vague here. I've noticed Thais tend to use the argument of "if no one knows, then it didn't happen" to justify getting what they want... Especially when it comes to sexual relations.

That being said, if you care about her, then go ahead and be supportive. And when the baby arrives, get the proper testing done.

[wym]

AUD$ 600 seems to be the top end for government/court recognized paternity DNA testing in Australia.

For the first round, you can get self-administered kits off the shelf.

Prenatal and delivery costs in Thailand, 20-30K all up gets you a decent government hospital not full VIP package but much better than what most Thais would receive.

If you can afford to help out with these expenses before even knowing it's yours or not, obviously up to you.

But if it does turn out to be yours and you don't and something goes wrong, wouldn't want to be in those shoes myself.

Not in any way saying you have to or should in the sense you owe her, but do "the right thing" according to your own personal moral code, don't listen to the attitudes of others on an anonymous web board.

[CharlieH]

Simple really, prove to me its mine, then we'll talk, see how quick she drops you then !

I wonder how many others she had the same conversation with and are now contemplating the same?

Edited January 22, 2014 by CharlieH

[iancnx]

Sounds like you already have a plan. However if you take the girl to Aus, have the baby, get the DNA done and then find out it's not yours, what will you do then? I fear she will already have you inextricably trapped by then. Next then look at her profile. What does she do in Pattaya? She will have known she missed her period for 4 months. Has she been working all that time and now cannot work anymore? She had unprotected sex with you the second holiday meeting? Have you been to her room in Pattaya? If she is on love links she could have several boyfriends. If she is smart and super devious as many as one a month. Need to do some serious background checks before you get to the point of no return.first thing I would do is have her meet me at the airport and pretend you will stay in a hotel in pats. Once in the center of pats tell her change of plan you need to stay in her room and have the taxi take you straight there. Can't wait to have a peek inside her laptop!

I have been to her room in Pattaya many times when I have been there. I have no suspicion any any other boyfriends and I guess I have the option of going through her ipad when I'm over there. Thanks for your time in writing back.

I guess would have been better to share this aspect in the OP. So I am now assuming not a working girl? What does she do for a living? If all replies are in her favour then good on you for thinking about being responsible. But be super careful. Many many of the scam stories you hear are ALL true! Good luck.

[weegee]

Please, for the love of god.....DO NOT take HER to Australia....You will loose big time as Showbags commented above....

They are using the Free Legal Assistance, to get what your assets are worth in Aus..

You take her there(Aus) and you have made a much bigger mistake, than you have ever made before....

[JLCrab]

Can she take a picture of herself on her (your) iPad and send it to you?

http://greenacresgirl.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/5-months-in-the-nursery.jpg

[oogster8]

If your not capable of working things out for your self,you are too young to have left home. Go back to your parents.

As you can see, I have an idea of what I want to do. I'm just seeking opinions and advice. I live interstate from my family and independent many years so I don't see how moving back to my parents can assist me?

He is making fun of you.

[Jack Mountain]

If she is pregnant from you, why didn't she want to talk to you in december? Made in august huh? Too late for an abortion then ...

How does she feels about it?

[ubonjoe]

A derogatory reply and quotes of it removed.

[yourauntbob]

I'm sorry to hear your dilemma and the stress it is causing you.

First, don't believe anything she tells you. Don't even believe she is pregnant. Don't believe she is not already married. Don't believe she doesn't have multiple farang sponsors and boyfriends.

At some point you may want to verify if she is actually pregnant. Then if and when a baby is born you will easily be able to see if the baby is half farang. If the baby is Thai, walk away. If the child looks half farang do a simple and very cheap blood test to determine if it is at all possible that you are the father. If a blood test confirms that you are possibly the father then have a DNA test done. If the DNA test confirms you are the father then go ahead and legally legitimize your parenthood of the child and apply for and get Australian citizenship for the child. Then start supporting your child.

Never give the mother any cash for anything. Open a Thai bank account and transfer on-line small amounts at a time as required to the mother's account and document every single payment. You will need this documentation, (a few years, or less), down the road when (if) your relationship with the mother sours.

Another option is to tell your GF you love her and wan't to marry her and don't care who the real father is and that you will take care of the both of them no matter what. Some guys do this and it all works out. Although, she won't be able to marry you if the child's father is her current Thai husband.

Now go back and read the second paragraph.

Good luck.

Well said , OP, use the above advise!

[kirstymelb101]

If she is pregnant from you, why didn't she want to talk to you in december? Made in august huh? Too late for an abortion then ...

How does she feels about it?

Exactly my point!

If I were pregnant the first person I'd tell is the father ASAP.

[jayme83]

Thanks everyone. I think it's best I do not even talk about Australia until I am 100% certain it is mine. I'm disappointed that she didn't tell me she was late with her period but then again, I'm disappointed in myself for putting myself at risk, even it it is very remote. I need to find out more details and it's hard when I'm over here which is why I was thinking of going to Thailand for 1 - 2 weeks to get an ultrasound done, ask some more questions, talk to the mother, etc,. Maybe I could get a copy of the ultrasound and take it to my doctor here in Australia?

If it is my child, then I have to man up and take responsibility.

Thanks for your advice.

[samuibeachcomber]

If your not capable of working things out for your self,you are too young to have left home. Go back to your par

not a helpful comment.The OP is in a dilemma and is just asking for constructive comments.