Dowry

[keithkarmann]

I have already been there and lost money, after marrying the Thai girl of my dreams and finally getting married and paying the dowry ( ok not a big fortune) she left me after only 2 weeks and the family ended up with a new motorcycle at my expense. But that is history. Now the new Thai girl of my dreams wants us to get married ( we have been together for 15 months). I have promised to marry her before October so I asked her today what was expected of me (knowing in my mind there is no way I am paying any dowry). She replied the family would expect money and gold. My immediate reply was there is no way I am paying anything as I do not believe in buying a girl from the family. I do already support the family by paying the monthly payments on the shiny pickup parked at their house. I know their are many ways to look at this problem but I am English and things are the opposite there and the father of the Bride is supposed to pay everything. I could risk losing my girlfriend over this but I have my pride and my views. I know this subject has been dealt with many times but we all have our opinions about what is right in this situation. But I would appreciate the views of other TV members but I am 99% sure my mind is made up. I may add that I have no need to get married again as I have a bad track record with marriages - my first wife has been certified mentally ill, my second wife died in a motor accident and you know what happened to my Thai bride so by getting married again it could end up with disaster as my daughter keeps telling me. So why should I get married and risk losing a wife and a dowry as well. Keithkarmann

[benalibina]

Funny OP....it can go 2 ways on this thread...

1) Hardly any replies....

2) People complimenting u on ur stance or .......well only a few...

Good luck though on ur 4th marriage...with whoever and whenever !

[jvs]

You answered your own question already.You could also take it easy and talk about it in a friendly way.

You could tell the family you are willing to pay a sinsot for display only and that you want it all back after the wedding,no body looses face this way.

[rgs2001uk]

Immediately cancel the payments on the pick up.

When asked why tell her its to save up for the sin sot, watch the reaction.

If you lose her, so what, I dare say you will have another ready to step into her shoes tomorrow, if she and her family have any sense, they should ask themselves how easy are you to replace.

15 months of knowing her isnt long enough, you are already being taken for a mug with the pick up payments.

Maybe after another 5 years you might wish to reconsider, thats if she and her family dont address their attitude problem pretty damn quickly.

[CharlieH]

Seems you havnt learned a damn thing and are heading down the same road.

If you do what you have always done you'll get what you always got.

Sorry but this is another disaster waiting to happen.

Edited February 20, 2014 by CharlieH

[Donnie Brasco]

I have already been there and lost money, after marrying the Thai girl of my dreams and finally getting married and paying the dowry ( ok not a big fortune) she left me after only 2 weeks and the family ended up with a new motorcycle at my expense. But that is history. Now the new Thai girl of my dreams wants us to get married ( we have been together for 15 months). I have promised to marry her before October so I asked her today what was expected of me (knowing in my mind there is no way I am paying any dowry). She replied the family would expect money and gold. My immediate reply was there is no way I am paying anything as I do not believe in buying a girl from the family. I do already support the family by paying the monthly payments on the shiny pickup parked at their house. I know their are many ways to look at this problem but I am English and things are the opposite there and the father of the Bride is supposed to pay everything. I could risk losing my girlfriend over this but I have my pride and my views. I know this subject has been dealt with many times but we all have our opinions about what is right in this situation. But I would appreciate the views of other TV members but I am 99% sure my mind is made up. I may add that I have no need to get married again as I have a bad track record with marriages - my first wife has been certified mentally ill, my second wife died in a motor accident and you know what happened to my Thai bride so by getting married again it could end up with disaster as my daughter keeps telling me. So why should I get married and risk losing a wife and a dowry as well. Keithkarmann

You sound like an honest sincere guy, Keith.

Stick to your guns.

Unless your fiancé is a corn-fed Uni-graduated virgin, do NOT be blackmailed into this thing.

Respect yourself.

You won't find what you are looking for with this family.

And, YES. I am insisting on sinsot for my own daughter.

And Keith I'll go so far as to say "Call me a hypocrite but Keith would be the first to agree that he'd never be eligible to marry my daughter"

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit."

[benalibina]

I have already been there and lost money, after marrying the Thai girl of my dreams and finally getting married and paying the dowry ( ok not a big fortune) she left me after only 2 weeks and the family ended up with a new motorcycle at my expense. But that is history. Now the new Thai girl of my dreams wants us to get married ( we have been together for 15 months). I have promised to marry her before October so I asked her today what was expected of me (knowing in my mind there is no way I am paying any dowry). She replied the family would expect money and gold. My immediate reply was there is no way I am paying anything as I do not believe in buying a girl from the family. I do already support the family by paying the monthly payments on the shiny pickup parked at their house. I know their are many ways to look at this problem but I am English and things are the opposite there and the father of the Bride is supposed to pay everything. I could risk losing my girlfriend over this but I have my pride and my views. I know this subject has been dealt with many times but we all have our opinions about what is right in this situation. But I would appreciate the views of other TV members but I am 99% sure my mind is made up. I may add that I have no need to get married again as I have a bad track record with marriages - my first wife has been certified mentally ill, my second wife died in a motor accident and you know what happened to my Thai bride so by getting married again it could end up with disaster as my daughter keeps telling me. So why should I get married and risk losing a wife and a dowry as well. Keithkarmann

You sound like an honest sincere guy, Keith.

Stick to your guns.

Unless your fiancé is a corn-fed Uni-graduated virgin, do NOT be blackmailed into this thing.

Respect yourself.

You won't find what you are looking for with this family.

And, YES. I am insisting on sinsot for my own daughter.

And Keith I'll go so far as to say "Call me a hypocrite but Keith would be the first to agree that he'd never be eligible to marry my daughter"

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit."

Without photos and more background info, ur comment is meaningless.

[EyesWideOpen]

Points of view...

1. Long term expats who never married here

" What kind of idiot would buy his wife from greedy upcountry relatives

who should get jobs instead of selling their family members..."

2. Expats who paid sin sot and are living the Isan dream in an upcountry village

" I paid sin sot for my lovely wife and am the happiest man in the world. This

is a Thai custom, and if you want to be properly integrated into Thai culture

you must pay this. Anybody who would not consider paying is simply a

cheapskate......."

Hey wait a minute. I have a lovely half Thai three year old daughter. Does this mean I can sell her when she is marriageable age ? Hmmmm....

Edited February 20, 2014 by EyesWideOpen

[Donnie Brasco]

Points of view...

1. Long term expats who never married here

" What kind of idiot would buy his wife from greedy upcountry relatives

who should get jobs instead of selling their family members..."

2. Expats who paid sin sot and are living the Isan dream in an upcountry village

" I paid sin sot for my lovely wife and am the happiest man in the world. This

is a Thai custom, and if you want to be properly integrated into Thai culture

you must pay this. Anybody who would not consider paying is simply a

cheapskate......."

Hey wait a minute. I have a lovely half Thai three year old daughter. Does this mean I can sell her when she is marriageable age ? Hmmmm....

Nope

But when the lads come sniffin' around you're gonna want them to put some skin in the game ;-)))

Thai Cowchah

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit."

[holeyman1]

I mean no disrespect but why would anyone promise to marry the other?

I shudder to think you did it out of compassion?

Making pick up payments before marriage should already set off warning bells. I don't suppose you'll do the same if you were back home?

Not exclusive to isaan but (statistics speak for themselves) many dream that their daughters will one day catch a foreigner.

Foreigners means more face & abundant help for the family. Sole

purpose is to wring you dry before you move on to another girl. To a thai, most foreigners are unfaithful, it's simply a matter of time.

Take some sound advice from people in this forum.

Many have been there & done the exact same thing.

If you do decide to move on to another, chance it a little & say you've got a little Indian origin & back home the bride-to-be pays the groom.

Or as one would say, cut the pick up payments to save for sin sot!!!

somtam palah

[mogandave]

Punishing your next wife for the actions of your previous wife, that makes perfect sense.

[Donnie Brasco]

I have already been there and lost money, after marrying the Thai girl of my dreams and finally getting married and paying the dowry ( ok not a big fortune) she left me after only 2 weeks and the family ended up with a new motorcycle at my expense. But that is history. Now the new Thai girl of my dreams wants us to get married ( we have been together for 15 months). I have promised to marry her before October so I asked her today what was expected of me (knowing in my mind there is no way I am paying any dowry). She replied the family would expect money and gold. My immediate reply was there is no way I am paying anything as I do not believe in buying a girl from the family. I do already support the family by paying the monthly payments on the shiny pickup parked at their house. I know their are many ways to look at this problem but I am English and things are the opposite there and the father of the Bride is supposed to pay everything. I could risk losing my girlfriend over this but I have my pride and my views. I know this subject has been dealt with many times but we all have our opinions about what is right in this situation. But I would appreciate the views of other TV members but I am 99% sure my mind is made up. I may add that I have no need to get married again as I have a bad track record with marriages - my first wife has been certified mentally ill, my second wife died in a motor accident and you know what happened to my Thai bride so by getting married again it could end up with disaster as my daughter keeps telling me. So why should I get married and risk losing a wife and a dowry as well. Keithkarmann

You sound like an honest sincere guy, Keith.

Stick to your guns.

Unless your fiancé is a corn-fed Uni-graduated virgin, do NOT be blackmailed into this thing.

Respect yourself.

You won't find what you are looking for with this family.

And, YES. I am insisting on sinsot for my own daughter.

And Keith I'll go so far as to say "Call me a hypocrite but Keith would be the first to agree that he'd never be eligible to marry my daughter"

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit."

Without photos and more background info, ur comment is meaningless.

Yeah, shure, uh uh, that's what I'll do. I'll post my personal information along with my daughter's details on an expat forum.

There's great appeal in remaining "meaningless" (whatever you mean by THAT) to this board.

If you are suggesting that you won't believe what I am saying . . . . . . Try to imagine how little I care about WHAT you chose to believe or do not chose to believe.

If you are merely repeating a wisecrack that often appears on this board when (gasp) actual young women of accomplishment and beauty are mentioned . . . . . Thanks for the chuckle.

"Sometimes, 'fuggedabowdit' just means fuggedabowdit."

[tingtong]

Get burn once...a mistake.

Get burn again...stupidity.

for the first bride family you bought a motorbike....

for the second a car...

will you go for a house next time if this wont work out?

[ukrules]

Give them nothing and don't ever marry her.

As a punishment for their greed I suggest you also stop making payments on their pickup, tell them you're rethinking things since they decided to sell their daughter.

To the other guy who said he will demand sinsod for his daughter - you had better make sure word doesn't get around back home as selling women is illegal in some countries.

[Ajaan]

Oh just STOP it. Another one of these nonsense troll threads carefully designed to get everyone out of the woodwork and at each others' throats. Groooaaaan. And yaaaaawn.

[Robininbkk]

Listen to your daughter, she knows better.

[falkan]

change username to walking-atm-machine and dump that girl!

[wym]

Just face the fact that even if she does really love you that's not what's important, money for her family comes first.

They'll probably let you marry her without sin sot, but only if they'r sure they'll get even more on the back end.

To negotiate effectively, you have to sincerely be ready to walk - are you?

IMO doesn't matter as long as you are getting good value for money, and only you can ensure that, day to day month to month, the sin sot is really not the pooint, a once-off drop in the bucket.

[aveabeeror2]

Pay nothing.

[Bender]

few years ago i did have a close friend, he paid 400K for the sinsot and as well was paying for the pick up.

Few months later when the car was fully paid, the thai girl left with another foreigner... real story.

And my friend just get back home completely wasted.... yet i warned him!

Edited February 21, 2014 by Bender

[chrisinth]

OP, assuming you have been living together for the duration of your relationship (15 months), what does marriage really mean? Again, assuming the GF is Thai and following a different religion to you, what does marriage really mean? It is 2014 (2557), times are changing and views on marriage are changing also.

Some posters are suggesting that you dump her and look for someone else, IMHO, easier said than done as you obviously have feelings for the girl if you have been together for 15 months. If you are both happy, leave it the way it is. If the reason is to simplify visas or whatever, the two of you go on holiday and get married quietly without the family involvement, they will forgive after a time if the love for the daughter is true.

If the girl really loves you, she won't push it.

[sam sen]

i agree with stopping all financial support. if she loves you, really loves you and is committed to the relationship, she will stay with you through thick and thin, good times and bad.

before going any further you really need to know whether she cares for you or she cares for your money

i know people who have never paid a thai woman or her family a satang and have wonderful relationships

[inzman]

Run Forrest run, if the relationship starts with payments it will only get worse. Many ladies out there who just want a man to love. You don't have to buy them.

[richard_smith237]

You have already placed yourself in a situation whereby you can never be sure if she is with you for the money and thus simply tolerates you, or if she is with you because she loves you...

Adding or not adding Sin-Sod to the equation doesn't change this - you are paying already.

The only true way to be sure is not to make any financial arrangement in the first place.

Cutting finances is already too late. Thus: If you are happy to continue paying for the pick up, you can suggest that this is as far as it goes.

If the family want Sin-Sod simply for show, thats fair enough, if you have guarantees that you'll get it back.

After reading many similar topics its clear that throughout Thailand expectations of Inlaws (and future Inlaws) tends to vary dramatically depending on Socio-economics, education and simple greed. No single rule or generalisation is correct or universal. Thus, being a little flexible is fine...

Mutual Respect is key.. it isn't bought, its earned on both sides. When it exists problems disappear.

[larsjohnsson]

Punishing your next wife for the actions of your previous wife, that makes perfect sense.

Yes he is punishing her by paying the new pickup

Sent from my GT-I9152 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[Bluetongue]

Paying for a pickup is a lot more than sin sod would normally be I would think, so you're already invested big time. Therefore just point that out, buy 1bt gold if you feel inclined and anything else is for show only. If that isn't acceptable don't get married.

[celso]

How about just say no, and if the girl likes you she will go with it. If she doesn't really like you, she will disappear and you save yourself getting into a loveless marriage. Who cares what the family think.

[transam]

I can't get my head round you buying a truck for a girl friends family........

How did/were you put in that position to do so ?

[BobbyL]

Don't pay a bloody thing, you have known her for under two years! Getting involved in a payment for a truck was a staggering balls up on your part.

I would ride off into the sunset because this sounds like it's going only one way, down the u - bend.

[Somsrisonphimai]

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I can't get my head round you buying a truck for a girl friends family........

How did/were you put in that position to do so ?

LOVE makes people do crazy thing.